I’ve seen a lot of public conversation about reopening churches: people wanting the sacraments, people asking bishops to change their policies, people driving across state lines to attend a Mass, people who want to get on with their lives. What is not so public are the conversations within households as churches reopen and faithful families try to discern how to return.
I’ve received so many private messages from people agonizing over the decisions they face:
“Do I go back to Mass when there’s been an uptick in local cases?”
“With a vulnerable family member, is it safe for me to attend and possibly bring the virus home to them?”
“How do I attend with an adventurous toddler who can’t understand social distancing or wear a mask?”
“What do I do if the idea of being around that many people gives me an anxiety attack?”
There are so many questions. And since none of us have ever been in a global pandemic that necessitated being separated from public worship for a time, we don’t have a playbook for this. We’re all just trying to do the best we can. But with the zeal for returning to Mass (paired with judgements from some corners that those wearing masks, taking precautions, or staying home are cowards) makes for a difficult situation for many.
“Am I not as Catholic? Am I not as faithful? I feel so guilty that I’m not at Mass yet.” These are the messages I’ve been getting and I want to speak to all of those struggling to make prudent and holy decisions.
There’s a lot going on here and tensions are high, but I think the situation is simpler than we’ve made it out to be. There are really only two things that you need to keep in mind as you prayerfully make decisions for your household:
`1. Obey your bishop.
Obey your bishop. Obedience isn’t easy, especially if you feel like you know better than the person in authority. But you’re not the bishop. You are, however, asked to be obedient to him.
From the earliest days of the Church, obedience to the bishop has vital for every Catholic. St. Ignatius of Antioch who was martyred at the beginning of the second century reminds us of how crucial this obedience is:
“See that ye all follow the bishop, even as Jesus Christ does the Father…Let no man do anything connected with the Church without the bishop.” (St. Ignatius: Letter to the Smyrnaeans; Ch 8)
“It is becoming, therefore, that ye also should be obedient to your bishop, and contradict him in nothing; for it is a fearful thing to contradict any such person. For no one does [by such conduct] deceive him that is visible, but does [in reality] seek to mock Him that is invisible, who, however, cannot be mocked by any one. And every such act has respect not to man, but to God.” (St. Ignatius: Letter to the Magnesians; Ch 3)
If the bishop says no public Masses, don’t attend an underground Mass. Obey your bishop.
If your bishop has opened public Mass in your diocese, respect his policies for taking precautions. Obey your bishop.
And if your bishop has stated that you are not obliged to attend public Masses (as all US bishops have, in my understanding), you are not sinning by not returning to Mass yet. Obey your bishop.
I don’t say this to dissuade anyone from returning to Mass, but just as a reminder that you are not being asked to do more than your bishop requires of you. Each family gets to discern their return to Mass according to their circumstances. As long as you are obeying your bishop, you are okay!
And when you do return, be obedient by following the protocols and precautions put in place by your bishop and your priests. If you are taking more time to return to Mass than some other people you know, I’m pretty sure it’s not because you love Jesus less than they do. This isn’t a competition.
2. Take Care of Others
People are coming from very different circumstances. Maybe you are vulnerable due to age or medical condition, but desperately need the Eucharist. Maybe you’re at low risk for complications yourself, but work in a field where it’s likely that you will be exposed and could infect others before realizing you’re sick. We’re all doing the best we can, but keep the safety of others at the forefront. It breaks my heart to hear of parishes that have been exposed and of priests dying (like in Houston last week).
Every priest I know has been courageous and attentive to his flock during this crisis. Our priest reached out to us about setting up a time to pray in the church and have confession during Holy Week because he knew that I was struggling with not being able to go to Mass, but also anxious about bringing my kids with asthma into public spaces.
Our priests have been going above and beyond to both keep us safe and offer the sacraments our souls long for. I know they are so joyful to see parishioners in the pews again where churches are open! But please, follow precautions and take care of them as well as of your fellow parishioners.
If you wear a mask to protect my asthmatic family members, your small inconvenience is an act of love for us. I went to daily Mass for the first time since March this morning. I was so excited to be there, but then more than half of the parishioners did not wear masks and the (unmasked) woman behind me coughed on me the whole time. Wouldn’t it have been a beautiful act of charity to stay home if you’re coughing and to wear masks to protect others?
To sum up, if you’re obeying your bishop and you’re taking care of others, then whatever timeline your family prayerfully discerns for returning to Mass is perfectly acceptable.
Maybe you’re like my family with higher risk family members due to underlying health problems and are discerning a prudent return to Mass with an eye on local cases and hoping that your fellow parishioners will take wise precautions to protect you (to be honest, I’ll probably wait a few days to recover from this morning’s experience with being coughed on for half an hour.)
Maybe you’re personally at low risk of complications from the virus but are in a line of work (like healthcare) that means you’re likely to be exposed and have decided to stay at home in order to protect vulnerable and elderly parishioners.
Maybe you live alone and your heart is full of joy that your local parish is reopening and you can receive Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament with your brothers and sisters in Christ.
Maybe you’re pregnant and you’re staying home because if you test positive for Covid, your husband can’t be present at your baby’s birth due to hospital policy.
Maybe you’re in a diocese requiring masks (and maybe you’re not thrilled about that) but you follow the precautions your bishop outlined as an act of loving obedience and care for the others in the pews.
Maybe you or a member of your household is at great risk and you are staying at home to protect them–and it’s hard.
People are different and we are in different circumstances. Don’t feel pressured to feel a certain way about any of this. Obey your bishop, love others with your actions. Take a deep breath.
I woke up from a dream a few nights ago of getting to receive Our Lord in the Eucharist. It was a beautiful dream. And when I woke, I had the words of an old hymn in my head: Softly and tenderly, Jesus is calling. Calling for you and for me…
Our Lord’s call is not one of pressure or comparison, it is gentle and tender and loving. Jesus, in the Blessed Sacrament, is not pressuring you, despising you, or comparing you to other families. He is watching and waiting and loving you. Obey your bishop. Prayerfully discern how to take care of others. Give yourself grace. (And say a prayer for your priests.)
This is beautiful Haley and I think a lot of people need to hear this. I have had all these struggles in thought. You were inspired to give a true word to your fellow Catholics by the Holy Spirit I believe! Bless you and your family!
Thank you so much for these words, Haley. Praying for our communities, our sick, and our priests from home for now but hoping to carefully attend daily mass sometime soon.
Thank you for your thoughts on remaining obedient to one’s bishop. I definitely benefited from that!
I understand you are anxious for your asthmatic family members; however, I would humbly encourage you to re-consider your judgements on those who choose to go without a mask. I am asthmatic myself and it is BECAUSE of my asthma that I choose not to wear a mask, after extensive research on the subject. It hurts me to think that friends and other Catholics at mass would judge my heart to be uncharitable because of this scientifically-sound decision. You can, of course, have your own opinion, but it just plain ain’t theologically correct to judge the interior life of others because they’re at mass with a naked face.
Also, how do you know the woman behind you at mass wasn’t asthmatic herself and coughing due to her condition?
There are valid reasons that some people cannot wear masks that would protect others. I’m certainly hoping that the woman who coughed on me incessantly wasn’t ill. But if one of my kids with asthma was coughing all through Mass during a pandemic of a virus transmitted by coughing, I would remove them simply as a courtesy to my fellow parishioners.
Hi Haley,
I hope you and your family are well. From reading your words I definitely can understand your concerns and hesitation to return to mass for the sake of your at risk children, and us as parents have the absolute right and responsibility to make that call. I’m so sorry that someone was coughing incessantly behind you, virus or no virus, that’s never a comfortable encounter. I also on one hand can see why you’d want people to be prudent and wear masks for the sake of their neighbor, but also on the other hand (which I’m sure you’re aware of) some people can’t or choose not to mask for health or personal reasons, and also masks really aren’t proving to be all that affective. I believe the precautions that should be made are the ones we should’ve been following all along, if you’re sick or think you could be coming down with something, stay home. From a common cold to a serious virus, those are the practices that should be common sense. I also believe that we shouldn’t be scared of the “what if’s” of a virus, we should have the choice to determine how we’d like to proceed with caution. I’ve always found your content to be enjoyable and educational so thank you for that! It’s also impossible for you and your followers to agree on everything 100% and that’s ok too. Thank you for sharing your heart with us here, and I hope others can be respectful in their disagreements should they have any. I also hope that God give you the peace you need during these uncertain times. ❤️
What a lovely and charitable reply.
There is very new data suggesting that masks are quite effective in preventing transmission of the virus. I am happy to share if you would find it helpful, but don’t want to bombard Haley’s blog if not. think public messaging on the topic really did a disservice to people; we didn’t have enough of the critical masks for healthcare workers, so we spent a lot of time being told that masks don’t work. Unfortunately, the true message was that masks do work but they should be preserved for frontline workers until there are enough for everyone. There was not enough faith in the good will of the public to trust that mask hoarding would not occur.
Common sense precautions are great and should be followed, but will not prevent the virus’ transmission because a large fraction of people who transmit the disease are asymptomatic or pre-symptomatic, and data suggests their viral load is just as large as those who eventually come down with severe symptoms of COVID-19.
I agree that health reasons may explain why some do not wear masks, but guidelines suggest that only N95s have a significant effect on airflow and are contraindicated for those with respiratory diseases. Most people (such as my father with heart failure and difficulty breathing) should be able to find a mask that allows sufficient air flow.
Please do post the data. It would be helpful for me to share with some anti-mask people in my life. Thank you! cake pro 1 at gmail
The first rule didn’t really resonate with me exactly. I’m in SF bay, where we have been in SIP before the entire rest of the country except for Washington. Our hospitals are well, well below capacity. We crushed the curve. But churches are not going to be reopen anytime soon. The bishops will follow the public health officials here. General sentiment towards churches is pretty negative and and I don’t see them being priority to reopen at all. Truthfully I know many people who would prefer they never reopen. Im hoping public officials mAking the call aren’t biased towards organized religion. I agree with your second part though. We aren’t bringing our younger kids to Mass anytime soon. My husband I will go separately with masks worn and hand sanitizer ready. I also won’t judge anyone for returning to the Mass or waiting.
This! Thank you!
Haley, your words are such a balm to my mind and heart. ❤️ Thank you for sharing them!
Best post in the recent Catholic blogosphere!
Thanks and amen! Your blog and social media are a breath of fresh air. Hope your family remains well (as a fellow asthmatic and healthcare worker- I sympathize!)
I am so glad our church has mandated masks for those over the age of 10 so that it is a non-issue in our parish. Honestly, “personal reasons” just doesn’t do it for me when it comes to science and public health. I make decisions for personal reasons all of the time but I would never do so at the expense of someone else’s health or safety. I think in America we’ve become so caught up in protecting our own personal rights/opinions that we forget that every decision we make has the potential to negatively affect someone else, thereby infringing upon their liberty. As far as the argument that they don’t really do anything to prevent the spread (which seems questionable)- well, they don’t do anything to exacerbate it either.
Two months ago, I never would have believed that I would be commenting on this topic. It seemed like something all Americans could finally agree on. I should have known better. The culture wars know no bounds, even during a pandemic, it seems. It is exhausting.
There seems to be a lot of judgement from those who believe everyone should wear a mask. Something to think about: if you are truly concerned about those not wearing one- stay home; if someone is coughing near you – move. While you may not agree with “personal choice” or a medical reason for another person NOT wearing a mask – you do not know their heart nor their personal situation.
Judge not lest you be judge needs to be everyone’s motto
unfortunately moving away after someone has coughed is unlikely to prevent transmission. Also, I think many of the people saying this are in places where it’s possible to just “move away.” I live in a dense city with small shops. If I am in line for groceries and the person in front of me does not have a mask on, do I just walk away from my cart and leave the store because I feel they are putting me at risk? They also have conceivably worsened the entire enclosed environment because they have been breathing and/or talking in the space, which means they may have left infectious aerosols in places beyond their immediate vicinity. So even if I move away, I am at increased risk from them. Also, if everyone is unmasked, transmission will increase enough in that population that things will likely have to shut down. Things that could have been low risk become high risk. So those who want more stuff open should be *more willing to wear masks.
And for those who work in places like grocery stores, they can just “walk away” because someone is unmasked? Or anyone else that works in what are deemed “essential businesses” can just “walk away”? They are just as important as any others. Maybe those of you who won’t mask should just stay home, which is what I keep hearing people say about those who are worried about unmasking at this point.
Or as a friend of mine pointed out, many other countries mask as a matter of fact when they are ill, and they are having difficulty wrapping their heads around the fact we Americans see this as a civil liberties issue.
Thank you for this, Haley!
I took my kids to daily Mass for the first time today since the outbreak in March. We all had masks, but then my 2 year old took hers off and kept trying to mouth the pew. I doused every inch of the pew with disinfectant before we left, and I realize this means we probably shouldn’t go back. But when?? How long until it’s safe to be at Mass with our kids? This situation is so heartbreaking. We just want to be at Mass. Thankfully we got to receive the Eucharist today.
I feel ya, Sheena. My 21mo licks EVERYTHING and is a thumbsucker so anything she touches immediately goes in her mouth. And then some of my older kids have some sensory challenges so they have trouble not touches their mouths and faces by habit (no matter how hard I try to break the habit!) It’s tough. I’m hoping to take the older kids who have had their FHC one at a time, but the baby not for awhile probably. I just hate it!
Each situation, diocese, parish and Mass are different. I think it is prudent to go easy at first regardless of masks, and health circumstances. Masks are no guarantee, so please stop obsessing over them. I and my family are young enough and healthy, but am going to try to avoid the busier and what could be more crowded times. To think you should just jump in to your regular Sunday slot with kids and entire family in toe, is probably not realistic. Receiving the Eucharist when you DO go will all the more special.
Thank you for your wonderfully well-written article which articulated ALL of my thoughts.
I am grateful that your experience with priests that you know is gracious and kind. And your kind and loving post here is not lost on me. Thank God there are places where good sense and compassionate concern for the faithful has not been extinguished.
That has not been the experience in our diocese. We have not been afforded any sacramental opportunity in our diocese during this terrible silence on the part of the Church and the locking of all church doors in our diocese. I would not hesitate to drive across any border to access sacramental grace if I knew where it was offered.
Secondly, obedience to a bishop is mitigated when the bishop is not in alignment with Catholic doctrine. With pastors and priests stating in online and Facebook posts that sins are absolved over the internet (as has happened in our diocese), I don’t trust all is ok with the restrictions now being placed on the faithful by bishops or pastors in the return to sacraments here. I am untrustful of their intentions.
There is at least a wide variance in dioceses across the nation. Whether all the faithful will have access to sacramental grace here is unknown. Fairness and courage have flown from the church leaders where we are.
Thank you, Haley, for this wonderful post. I too have been agonizing over going back to Mass. In my household all three of us have some kind of underlying health issues. So many posts almost make you feel guilty if you have decided not to return to Mass in order to protect yourself or your family, but that is exactly what I have decided to do. Before covid-19 I was leading a new women’s Bible study at our church but now with covid-19 I do not think I can safely attend Mass or Bible studies. As mentioned earlier, there are 3 of us at home and each of us has some kind of underlying health condition or conditions. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that it is not a mortal sin if you stay home from Mass in order to care for an ill family member or are too ill to attend yourself. Since the stay at home order was given here in California I have been “watching” the Mass via the airwaves. This week I began “attending” Mass, standing, sitting, kneeling, etc. during the designated times, just like when I actually attended Mass. I even wear my chapel veil during Mass and private prayer. Sometimes I feel like I am still trying to convince myself that I am making the right decision. I believe I am. Again, thank you for your beautiful post. I hope it will bless others as it has blessed me. God bless you.
One problem with the article is that governing the Bishops is canon law and that law says nothing about them having authority to ask under obedience for you not to go to Mass or to make medical decisions for you and your family. There is no scriptural or doctrinal basis for the Church claiming infallibility about medical issues and your risk is by definition a prudential question. Our bishops did what they felt they morally needed to do and we must respectfully take that into consideration in making our own choices. But, in fact, quite to the contrary, Canon law gives the faithful, who have no schismatic intention, the right to attend Mass or Divine Liturgy, even with a Church not in communion with Rome, if a Mass in communion is not available.
As much as no one has the right to suggest a lack of faith for your decisions for your family, seeing as disobedience is a sin, its wrong to suggest disobedience and sin where there can be no disobedience.
Oops, if you would delete my previous post it was incomplete:
Can. 844 §1. Catholic ministers administer the sacraments licitly to Catholic members of the Christian faithful alone, who likewise receive them licitly from Catholic ministers alone…
§2. Whenever necessity requires it or true spiritual advantage suggests it, and provided that danger of error or of indifferentism is avoided, the Christian faithful for whom it is physically or morally impossible to approach a Catholic minister are permitted to receive the sacraments of penance, Eucharist, and anointing of the sick from non-Catholic ministers in whose Churches these sacraments are valid.
Hi! Thank you for writing this. Many of us readers (I am in my mid 30’s) have actually gone through a pandemic(s). The one I remember is Swine Flu. It sadly killed more people than COVID—19 has back in 2009-2010. I had two small kids and was pregnant. I vividly remember the churches adjusting and not allowing the “Sign of Peace”, removing holy water fonts, and sanitizer stations, etc. Yet nothing closed down and stay at home orders were never activated (in my state one can get fined if one does not wear a mask if two years and over).
There was also Ebola from 2014-2016 and there is still MERS and SARS happening along with HIV. I mention these other pandemics because I want others to understand that we have gone through scary and tough times. That, the reaction to this current pandemic has caused a lot of heart ache, disruptions, and anxiety that I do not recall personally from Swine Flu. This trusting in Bishops is a must, but difficult when not fully understanding how this pandemic is different from say the deadly Swine Flu? I would love thoughts and clarification from other readers and even you as the author! Thank you!
Thank you Haley this is a fantastic post.
This pandemic has really brought out the very best and the very worst in so many of us. I think we can learn alot from history and looking at what happened back during the Spanish Flu of 1918-1919. Churches were closed and faithful had to pray at home unable to attend Holy Mass for the first time in their lives. All kinds of “experts” come forward with the solutions for everything. How is a pandemic supposed to work anyway? Back then masks were mandatory, and you would be arrested without one!!
As Catholics we are taught that God could call any of us at any time. And so be ready as we know not the time or place. It could be COVID-19, a heart attack, cancer or being run over by a car tomorrow. If we can get to confession, and do our best to remain in a state of Grace we can have the hope and joy of knowing that we could get to heaven regardless of what happened, which is our only goal anyway. If we can get that covered for ourselves and our families then as you say we then need to see who else we can help.
We found this really helpful
https://catholichomeschoolaustralia.com/2020/03/30/how-should-catholics-respond-to-the-coronavirus-pandemic/
I am reading this 6 weeks late, but in any event wanted to thank you for this post. My husband is a physician and our kids are too young to understand social distancing, so we have elected not to return to mass yet (our bishop having continued the dispensation). I have spoken to our pastor about this and he was super supportive, but it is still so difficult to watch live-streamed mass- now with actual parishioners there- and wish I was really there. This experience has illuminated the significance of our embodiedness in so many ways. Thank you for reminding me that it’s ok and I don’t have to feel “less Catholic.”