Can’t make rent, Elinor Dashwood? Trouble surviving on your adjunct pay from Highbury Community College, Jane Fairfax? Millennials get you. We understand a world in which the last generation really did a number on the economy while you get to pay the price. Keeping your ancestral manor house isn’t in the cards, sweetheart. And despite what Lady Catherine de Bourgh says, giving up a weekly avocado toast habit won’t actually make a dent in your exorbitant student loans.
Here’s some millennial advice for your financial nightmares. I mean, your financial futures. My apologies, a slip of the tongue.
Anne, you’re going to need to put Kellynch Hall up for rent to a delightful admiral and his charming wife and relocate somewhere cheaper–much cheaper. Sure, right now your dad is living it up in Bath, but that’s because he can count on the social security that will no longer exist by the time you need it. The money’s going to run out leaving you without a roof over your head. Your word of the year is “retrench,” my dear. Are there any eligible sea captains available? That’s probably your only hope in being able to afford health insurance.
You can’t stay at Norland Park, Elinor. You can’t even afford that dump, Beecham Place, despite what your loving, but clueless boomer mom expects. (She’s still thinking like it’s pre-recession.) The only possibility for you is Barton Cottage because you’re distantly related to the owner and he’s giving you a break on the rent. Thankfully, as your obnoxious SIL, Fanny, reminds you, “a little cottage is always so snug.” Fanny also wants to know why you have an iPhone (the one you need for your job) when you’re “supposedly so poor”. Unrelated: that hot guy your sister met on Tinder is a real sleazebag. He should be cancelled.
Yikes, Lizzie. Sounds like due to bad planning, your sedentary and aging father is just one fatal heart attack away from making your whole family homeless. Going to grad school in comparative literature was also a terrible idea. You should have taken a page from your friend Charlotte Lucas’s book. She got an MBA. As for not going hungry, marrying the heir to an extensive estate is a good option–especially since you’re going to be supporting your little sister and her ne’er-do-well significant other’s gambling habits. And keep in mind that although Lady Catherine said, “Were I to ever look for a job, I would be a great proficient” you really shouldn’t listen to her career advice.
Fanny, I know you tried to keep your ridiculous cousins from posting ill-advised pics on Instagram, but they wouldn’t listen. Now there’s bad blood between you and your uncle, Sir Thomas, your only relative with a steady income, and you turned down the most eligible bachelor in town to boot. To make things worse, your aunt, Mrs. Norris, (who’s been mooching off Sir Thomas for decades and has never worked a day in her life) is accusing you of being entitled for wanting a job that comes with decent benefits. Sounds like your options are either wallow in poverty in a crappy port town or marry your cousin. Don’t blame me, I don’t make the rules.
Your neighbor, trust fund baby Emma, might be able to just throw parties and dabble in painting, but Jane Fairfax, you don’t have that luxury. You’re going to have to work your fingers to the bone for this academic career and you probably won’t even get tenure. You’ll just be teaching freshman composition until your brain explodes. Try to convince your rich boyfriend to put a ring on it and get you out of the tiny apartment you’ve been sharing with your aunt and grandmother while trying to climb out of that student loan debt. What’s the hold up? Does he think you can live inside the obnoxiously large piano he gave you that takes up the whole living room? Maybe his rich aunt will die.
Hope you got a chuckle out of this post. Can somebody help me out with advice for Catherine Morland? Because I got nothin’!
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Wow who knew that our little avo on toast story in the provincial antipodes had become a worldwide catch cry for millennials.
I had to check whose blog I was reading, because I had no idea the avocado on toast story had become infamous anywhere else, but Australia.
Although a little old to be a millennial, I wish I were a Lizzie, but I suspect my life has been more like Fannie. It took a long time, but I eventually got my man.
Catherine,
Good job ignoring that guy who spent the whole time talking about his car. It’s good you finally realized his sister was not really your friend, even though she helped you find good shows to watch on Netflix. Apparently, she didn’t realize you were traveling across Europe as the nanny. And I know that other guy made you laugh, but then his dad left you to make it home from Eastern Europe on your own. Glad you made it safely, but now you’ve got to find another job.
I feel seen and also poor.
Oh my, this was so funny and so sadly true! Thank you for this post!
Catherine? I know how it is; Pretty Little Liars & Gossip Girl taught you that rich people are gorgeous, fascinating, and very likely murderers. I further realize the combination of goth aesthetic and aspirational lifestyle posting sounds like Instagram gold (maybe friends know how to monetize this??? msg later????), but one week of moderate traffic on your @NorthangerSecrets account is not going to make up for the embarrassment of getting sent home on a midnight Greyhound when your BF’s dad realizes your family aren’t the Morlands in charge of a London investment firm. It’s tempting to try pounding out a viral-ready FB post about the hypocrisy of the rich on the bus at 3am (could lead to a book deal?? maybe????), but instead, cue up your favourite playlist and let it all sit for a day or two. Your BF is all about checking his privilege & I can guarantee you he’s going to be mortified. Unplug, enjoy your little siblings for a few days, let your BF deal with his dad & you may yet end up with more Abbey snaps after all.
This is pure gold!
I LOVE this! Bonus points for identifying the 21st century equivalent of Gothic novel culture…I’ve been mulling over it for months and you totally just nailed it.
I adored this!!!
Ha. A hair old for millennial…just a Gen-Xer trying to survive on community college adjunct pay. This was cathartic to read!
May I just say, I saw this post in my feed and thought to myself, “Self, you HAVE to tell Haley about this post. She would LOVE it.”
So, I’m not the most observant, but I think we can agree that I know you and Jane Austen. 😀
Too funny and way too true.
Loved the suggestions for advice for Catherine Morland. Mine would be to be wary to dress for the job you want, not the job you have when out networking, while an expensive fabric attracts guy with money who know their thing, you risk being left to hang dry when the world you fantasised about in your head doesn’t live up to your expectations and people will know you aren’t quite as established as you appear.
(i have a beef with that advice)
There is truly nothing new under the sun. This was a riot!
This is hilarious and you totally nailed it. This is probably the first time that the topic of health insurance has made me laugh.
Hi Haley! I read your blog often for the Catholic liturgically living, but I also love the Jane Austen and Harry Potter insights, too.
I have a question for you, as a fellow Catholic and Jane Austen fan: I noticed there are virtually no children in the Jane Austen novels, and the few ones that exist are usually described as annoying, so I wonder if you feel that Austen’s writing doesn’t reflect our views on openess to live and welcoming children?
This post is still amazing. And still what I think of whenever avocado toast is consumed and mentioned.
#Unashamed millennial avo toast love.