“So are you done having kids? Is this your last pregnancy?”
I’ve been asked this after each one of my pregnancies. And until this one (my 4th), I have always responded with a resounding “no!” (with the caveat that none of us are entitled to a baby and we can’t always predict secondary infertility). But keep the babies coming! No plans to stop! Enough for a quidditch team!
But this time my answer is different. “Yes. Maybe. I don’t know. I can’t imagine doing this again.”
This is my 4th pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (severe morning sickness that can stick around through the whole pregnancy). While I’m now 25 weeks and functioning although queasy 24/7, there were 6-8 weeks I couldn’t get out of bed due to the severity of the nausea/dizzyness/vomiting and then months of being too sick to prepare food or sometimes even walk through the kitchen.
Even being treated with prescription anti-nausea drugs, I could barely get myself showered, dressed, and out of the house for ages. It left me feeling very broken. And the months of illness have taken a toll on my whole family.
I’ve had rough pregnancies before, and after my third I took an almost five year break to recover physically and emotionally, but this is the first time I can’t imagine going through it again AT ALL. And these feelings surprised me.
Because I’m only 32. I don’t feel like I’m “done” with newborns and diapers and mothering little ones. But I’m starting to entertain the idea that my family won’t be as big as I dreamed. That maybe our future as parents won’t be in biological parenthood, but maybe in foster care and/or adoption.
You’d think with my experience of pregnancy that the Catholic Church’s teachings on contraception would really cramp my style. In fact I’ve had people ask, “do you wish you could just get your tubes tied and never have to go through this again?” But to be honest, no. I’m so relieved that’s not on the table. I am so grateful that our options are limited to Natural Family Planning, that we will continue to take things one month at a time. That I can’t just do something permanent while I’m still traumatized from another HG pregnancy,.
Asking a laboring mother in transition if she wants to have more kids would be insane, right? Because how can she make that decision in the midst of her agony? Nobody wants to sign up for more kids during transition! During each of my labors I remember thinking, “Important mental note from Haley to Haley: DO NOT EVER DO THIS AGAIN.” But once the baby is born, the joy overcomes the pain. The love is so big that I would do it all over a thousand times it that’s what it would take to meet that tiny person in my arms.
“When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.”- John 16:21
I know our future family planning decisions shouldn’t be made when I’m curled up in fetal position on the bathroom floor, too nauseous to move. Because the truth is I don’t know what the future holds. And I’ve learned enough in three decades of life to know that my plans shouldn’t be set in stone.
My life doesn’t look much like I imagined it would 15 years ago. It is so much better than I imagined. I hope I know better than to hold my plans for life too close.
So if you asked me today what the future holds I would probably say NFP indefinitely and that this is my last pregnancy. I’d tell you that foster care has been an unexpected call on my heart in recent months and that in the future we plan to pursue it. But I’ll hold those plans with open palms. I have to hold them up to God resting in the grace that is the openness to life and generous love that He calls us to.
Maybe down the road my soul will long for those baby kicks again and our family will be in a situation that makes a few months in bed something we can handle in that season. Or maybe we’ll have an unexpected pregnancy someday and I can rest in knowing that God’s plan to bring a new life into the world overcame my expectations. Or maybe God will bring other little souls into our home through foster care and adoption.
Whatever happens, I know it probably won’t look like I expect. And I’m okay with that.
So are we done having kids? Yes. No. Maybe. We don’t plan to actively pursue another pregnancy. This little girl may be our last baby. But will those plans change? Maybe. We don’t have to know what our lives will look like or how our hearts will move in the future. It’s all part of the adventure God has in store for us. And I’m looking forward to seeing how it unfolds. (And also looking forward to the suffering of this pregnancy being replaced by the joy of having this child in my arms.)
This was a beautiful post and reminder that God rarely leads us where we think we’re going. May He bless your family abundantly, no matter what the future may hold.
You post basically describes the situation that my husband and I find ourselves in with our fourth pregnancy. While I don’t have HG, I did experience severe perinatal anxiety/depression that had its onset very early in the first trimester and landed me on medication. My first three pregnancies didn’t have that. It’s an experience I’d rather not go through again, especially when I’m unsure that I’ll get through postpartum without a recurrence. So right now our answer is that we won’t be actively pursuing another pregnancy, which is sometimes a hard thing to share in our circles, but a necessary voice to add to the NFP choir. There is no list of “grave and serious reasons” available because it really is a discernment between a couple and God. While that used to bother me a lot, now I understand why it has to be that way.
Many prayers for you as you await the birth of your little one! We are also expecting another little girl – about seven weeks to go ?
Angelica, I have had severe postpartum with all of my pregnancies as well. I just wanted to say, from one mama to another, that you are strong beyond belief! We’ve discerned TTA indefinitely because of how severe my PPD is, because of how many c-sections I’ve had, but for some reason I always feel like it’s not “grave” enough. It’s just really nice to hear from another mom (so few of us discuss PPD) that it IS enough, that maybe it’s a good enough reason 🙂
Thank you! We are definitely not alone ❤️ Even if it’s a little embarrassing to talk about pregnancy related mood disorders, bringing awareness and support to others is so important.
I am also due at the beginning of June with baby number four (also a girl!) and I have been on anxiety medication throughout this whole pregnancy so far. I also have had PPD twice, but fortunately I now know how to prepare for it and I’ve made my peace with the medication needing to be a part of my life. This pregnancy was not “planned” and came at a time when we were SURE we needed a much longer break. A few weeks before we found out we were pregnant we sat down and firmly decided that we did have a serious reason to avoid. Sometimes God has other plans. We are so looking forward to this baby and can’t wait for her arrival. But life is just hard sometimes and it’s totally okay to admit it, in my opinion. Good luck with your new little one!
The fact that you can use NFP so effectively that you can say with confidence that this COULD be your last baby if you decided so — that is beyond foreign to me. Maybe my body just works differently, but I’ve had too many highly improbable babies! So when people talk about “TTA indefinitely,” I can’t help but think, “emphasis on that first T…” Best of luck to your happy family!
It is called Marquette! 😉 The only method ai could ever feel confident with.
It is called Marquette! ? The only method I could ever feel confident with.
This is refreshing to hear. I am 30 with 4 little ones under 6 including infant twins. The twin pregnancy was so rough on my body and our family. I really feel overwhelmed and at my limit with 4, so I am where you are. We aren’t planning for any more kids, but certainly plans could change. It’s nice to hear that as a Catholic you are allowed to say you aren’t planning on having more. I know some people make it sound like you can’t ever say you are done, but It’s nice to know that someone else feels like I do. Yes we are still open to life and always will be, but at this point in time we are planning on using NFP to postpone indefinitely. Thank you for sharing.
Hello Haley! I hear ya! I myself wanted to have lots and lots of children. Now we have three boys, each with a varying stage of Autism. And I cannot imagine my life without them, and when I think of the immensity of 3 souls I am blown away! Three souls is HUGE! ! And we have been practicing NFP for years in order to not conceive, because several very holy priests have stressed to us that it’s not in the number of children you have but the holiness with which you bring the ones you have to Heaven. So, here we are practicing NFP and raising our sons for Heaven! And that is totally in line with Humanae Vitae and our glorious Catholic Church’s teachings! It is important to remember Pope Francis’ words about “breeding like rabbits.” He was not saying that to denounce having lots of children, but to challenge our motives for having more. Are we truly seeking God’s Holy Will when having our children, or to be known as the family who has the most children? Are we raising souls for Heaven or having ‘trophy children?’ God Bless you and your happy family 🙂
I love this explanation of the Pope’s words. I love your wisdom. Thank you
I love this explanation as well! This is what I’ve always felt. I also talked to a priest about this and it almost felt silly discussing because there are so many bigger problems in the world then how many kids to have. I think social media also makes us feel like we have to keep up with other Catholic moms.
We are pregnancy twins. I have 3 little girls. The baby is 7 months old and I still cannot imagine. I could handle it myself but watching the other kids suffer because my caregiving is compromised. Last year we bought a house 5 minutes from the beach and I literally didn’t take my older girls 1 time. That is just 1 example. I was too sick and it made me feel so bad . I have always envisioned having 4 or 5 but at 37 years old I don’t know how that is going to happen. It had brought me closer to God and I feel like The Sacred Heart is cradling my anxiety and pain. We have also talked about the possibility of fostering. I will pray for you. Pray for me too. My baby was born in September and we had such a wonderful fall and Christmas season. That is all so close for you! Xo
Haley, I remember saying this to myself while in labor with one of my four children: “This really hurts. Why do I keep doing this? I’m not going to do this ever again.”
I was 32 and my husband was 30 when we had our last child. I wasn’t Catholic then (though my husband was), so I wasn’t as careful about grave reasons as I would be now, but we never decided to pursue another pregnancy and we used NFP so as not to get pregnant. It does happen.
I never felt done either, until I suddenly did. Isn’t it such a weird shift? I’ve always felt open to adoption or caring for children in other ways, too. That is certainly another huge aspect to being “open to life.”
My husband and I have been fostering for a little over 2 years. It is a beautiful and difficult calling, but one I am grateful God called us to and gives us the grace to stick with!
I can relate. I just had my third and am only 27. It’s the first time I’ve felt like it could maybe be our last, or at least that number 4 would be. I don’t have HG but I have a severe autoimmune disease. Years and years of NFP is a little daunting but I’m actually super encouraged y’all were able to space for almost 5 years! And survived it! haha
Oh, pregnancy can be so hard, and you are certainly not alone in those feelings ! I had my third 6 months ago, and I during the pregnancy I was so miserable, just wishing I could make it stop. And feeling so guilty, terrified that I would have a miscarriage and get my wish. I kept telling myself I would not go through it again, putting my wish for a big family aside. I changed it till “not for a very long time” once the pregnancy was over. And now he’s laying there smiling and looking adorable, and I’m thinking I might change my mind in a few years. But I’m accepting that my dream of a double digit family might not be what God has in store for us.
Practising NFP on a day-to-day basis is not my favourite thing in the world. My great comfort in using NFP is the fact that we are going to end up with the exact family God has planned for us. There are so many ways to be open to life and I think smaller families who practice NFP are beautiful examples of love and sacrifice.
I was sooo done at 4, and then 3 years later I started feeling like maybe I wasn’t actually done. But it is wonderful to be able to take it one step at a time and try to listen to what you need to do NOW. With my 4th baby, I wasn’t super happy to find out I was pregnant, and that shocked me. I knew I needed a break for a while, and that is what we did.
Haley, thank you so much for writing this. This is how I feel in my little family and it’s what we are practicing but no where in the Catholic world is this talked about. It’s very isolating and almost shameful feeling. I do truly believe that quantity is not equal to quality and my husband and I know that more children would lessen the quality of my parenting. Anyways, I just wanted to say thanks. When I saw the title to your post I thought “oh no, here we go again,” and was smiling towards the end because instead of feeing alone I felt community. So thank you 🙂
Ditto to every word on this!
*of
(doh) 😉
I heard the best line the from a mom with three sets of twins and a singleton. When asked “Do you plan to have more?” She answered “We’ve learned plans mean nothing.”
We felt that 5 was a good number for us, fit our plans well (you know, not to have to upgrade out of a minivan). Pregnancy number 5 was triplets! Seven seems like a great number to us. But we shall see!
I love this post! There is a current subculture in Catholicism that makes me feel like this post must have been hard for you to write. You’re a Catholic mom, have all the babies!! We are so much more complicated than that. My second son has severe autism and I love him, but honestly we waited a while to have our third. Of course, the third has taught me that he does more for my second son that I could, so we learn our lessons! But, my point is, I totally understand what you’re saying. HG is so tough I imagine, but we have to let ourselves be human. I’ve heard a lot about HG being linked to B12 deficiency, etc, etc. but I’m sure you’ve looked into all that. Bravo!
I was blessed to have an easy pregnancy, but we felt God calling our family to adopt. So now we have 1 biological daughter, 1 daughter adopted from China, and a soon-to-be another daughter adopted from China. 🙂
I wish lots of blessings to your family! 🙂
P.S. For you or anyone thinking about adoption, I highly recommend the book, “The Connected Child” by Karyn Purvis. So much wisdom that makes sense to my head AND heart. 🙂
So beautiful. You’ve got me in tears.
I have felt a similar experience–not due to pregnancy difficulties but because of health complexities with my boys. I never thought I would be done at 3 kids. I hear so many voices of openness and it *seems* to come from a place of either looking like a large brood or an emptiness, longing due to infertility (obviously short-sighted generalizations on my part), but I’m on a different path and it feels very lonely sometimes even though I know I’m not alone. On a weak day, I look at a photo of a mom surrounded by her “more than mine” # of kids, and it breaks my heart… because I’m open too, but that does not mean “more”. Your post is so spot on though. The present & the future are certainly not what I have pictured or will picture, but in that freedom, truth, and adventure I’m ultimately more joyful even if it means holding some small sadnesses from time to time as well all do.
This post really resonated with me, Haley, because our plans are ultimately so meaningless. I always thought I would have a huge family and my husband and I have been open to life from day one. 6 years later—no pregnancies at all and a 3+ year adoption process that ended with us not adding any children to our family. This is not what I ever pictured or planned, but God has still blessed me with contentment in the life He’s given me and a joy I can’t even explain to myself. Thanks for writing this and God bless you and your sweet family!
Hannah, my husband and I had a similar situation to yours. It took us 10 years to conceive our firstborn! And now at age 38 I have a 2 yr old and a 7 month old. Truly miraculous seeming based on the narrow definition of infertility, but I believe it was God’s timing and we submitted to it, and that in itself was very freeing, as you’ve clearly experienced since you mentioned the joy that comes with that. I just want to encourage you to continue to fervently pray and hope for your future child. I am so glad you are in a place of contentment. I will pray for you too.
What I am most touched by is all of the support of the readers this post brought about. It confirms that when we shed light on the Truth, we are usually filled with good things which is why satan tempts us to be afraid of the Truth. I love the Church community that Haley has drawn together through her blog!
This question is just so impolite. It always takes me by surprise. Kinda like being asked my age or weight. I like your new answer though; “maybe” is honest but not presumptuous.
Hi! I”m a muslim reader of your blog, and am subject to the same considerations. however, when pregnant with my fifth, I thought that this is how my kids were going to remember their childhood, with mom incapacitated in bed every afternoon. Also, I also came to realise that in modernity, we have access to much better healthcare and nutrition , apart from the fact that only a century ago, childbirth was the leading cause of death among women (after TB). In other words, modern life affords us significantly improved fertility, which is a different context, from when religious texts, which exhorts us to be “fruitful”, were written. Hope you feel better soon!
That’s a good point, Ib. And thanks for reading! I’m glad you’re here.
That’s where I am, too! I told my husband repeatedly when I was pregnant to remind me how terrible it was for me. I felt so drained and like I barely made it through. I don’t think I could do it again, having two kids to keep alive now.
There was a time I thought I’d have 12 kids. I love babies and always wanted nothing more than to be a mommy….my husband used to tell me, “even if you have 10 children, there will HAVE to be a last baby.” After my fifth baby though, I suddenly felt like you do. I just could not imagine experiencing another pregnancy. I had severe PPD & anxiety. That baby is now 8 1/2 years old and I still feel confident that another pregnancy would be too much for me and my family to take. We have used NFP all this time and it is working for us.
About 2 years ago, we felt God calling us to be open to life in a new way though. I had always thought about fostering and God spoke loud and clear to both my husband and I- saying NOW is the time.
So we began a new journey of parenting. We have had the privilege of welcoming and caring for 4 foster babies. One of whom is currently placed with us, three who have moved on from our home but are still in our lives. Foster care is a million times harder than pregnancy in many ways but the blessings cannot be measured and at the end of the day- it it not about doing what is easy anyway. It is about serving God in the way He has called us.
And I think that is what marriage, parenting, NFP, and fostering/adoption all have in common and what they are all truly about– serving God by sacrificing for and loving those He sends our way. I will pray that God will continue to speak to your heart and show you His beautiful plans for your family.
I love your surrendered attitude, and the realization that you don’t want to be making irreversible decisions about this while in the midst of an HG pregnancy. I’m actually not Catholic, but I am practicing NFP for now as well. I originally pictured myself with a much bigger family than what I have (2 precious daughters), but my husband is ready to be done and realistically, I probably am too. But at the same time, it’s so hard to imagine not giving birth again, not having another newborn. So are we done? I would give the same response as you: yes, maybe, I don’t know. I like to have the same attitude as you, that if God sees fit, he will bless us with another and it will happen, “planned” or not.
Hayley, thank you thank you for this. I’m also 32 with HG baby #4. We had two miscarriages before this little girl and of course I feel so blessed, but I cried so much during the throes of weeks 8-14 saying, “Dear God, please don’t take this baby, too. Because I don’t think I can ever do this again.” Prayers for you and the family!!!
Thank you for this beautiful post! I feel like you were speaking for me as I am in the throes of a 3rd HG pregnancy. Congrats on beautiful Hildy!
So true. I was “done” after my 4th and always jokingly said “we are done, God willing”. I have high risk birth situations and drs were always asking about having my tubes tied. Well, lo and behold when I was 41 1/2 I found out I was pregnant with our 5th! And God provided the most miraculous birth I have ever experienced. It’s hard being a parent to a little in ones 40s but he is such a blessing to our family, and I am so grateful for His will in our lives and the unexpected things in life are what make it so amazing .
I used to teach NFP and roll my eyes at the students saying they only wanted two kids so they could afford Disney and piano lessons, thinking they really had no idea what being open to life was about. Now here I am with 4 and can’t imagine teaching NFP (and struggling to want to use it!) because I’m so done and spent. I can’t imagine explaining being open to life. Because I’m so not at this point. Thanks for this post. It feels like we’re ‘behind’ with only 4, but I don’t think I can’t mentally or spiritually handle more!