I was staring up at the crucifix during Mass. I was too sick to kneel, so I was just sitting in the pew while everyone knelt around me. I was desperately trying not to throw up, the pregnancy nausea coming in waves, impossible to ignore.
It was my first Mass in a month. I had been too sick with hyperemesis gravidarum to leave the house for weeks. The previous week I had tried to get out of bed and get dressed. But I stood next to my dresser while my husband found shoes and Mass clothes for our three children and I began to sob. He came into the bedroom to check on me and sent me back to bed where I curled up in fetal position and took my next dose of Zofran while my family buckled up in the car without me.
But this week I made it. Just being out of bed and before the Blessed Sacrament was comforting. But I felt so broken. On some level I knew the misery was only going to last a few months. It would end. But in the midst of it, it was hard to keep the despair from creeping in. And the feelings of failure plagued me. “I’m too sick to take care of my kids. I’m too sick to maintain my home. I’m too sick to drive.” I felt worthless.
But I looked up at the crucifix as the priest said, “This is my Body which will be given up for you.” And I felt the love and grace of Jesus wash over me.
The still, small voice spoke to my heart and said, “You are not worthless. You are becoming a reflection of Me. Do you see how I give up my body for you, my child? You are giving up your body for the child in your womb. You are broken because you are pouring out your love. This is holy. This is good. Do not despair.”
The sacredness and beauty of bringing new life into the world broke through the discomfort and pain. And during the darkest days of pregnancy nausea, I have tried to remember, “This is my body which will be given up for you.” You don’t have to be a pregnant woman to experience a reflection of the Cross, of course, but I think it happens in a very poignant way when you’re carrying a child.
As you start having trouble recognizing yourself in the mirror as your body changes and the pregnancy weight gain takes its toll: “This is my body which will be given up for you.”
As your back aches and your energy wanes: “This is my body which will be given up for you.”
As your feet swell and your shoes don’t fit: “This is my body which will be given up for you.”
As you wake in the night with a baby kicking your bladder: “This is my body which will be given up for you.”
As the stretch marks spread across your belly and breasts: “This is my body which will be given up for you.”
As the acid reflux keeps you awake: “This is my body which will be given up for you.”
As the hormones surge and the tears come unexpectedly:“This is my body which will be given up for you.”
And then as you suffer the pains of labor: “This is my body which will be given up for you.”
With every discomfort, large or small, we can join our sufferings to Christ’s as we offer them up for the new life inside of us. Because the crucifixion is never the last word. There is an Easter on the other side that will be celebrated with the cry of a new soul meeting the world, comforted in the arms of its mother.
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.-Psalm 30:5
Thank you, Haley. I am 34 weeks pregnant with our second child and this is what I needed to read tonight!
I think there is a reason pregnancy is 40 weeks—a time of waiting and preparation, usually with some suffering (think Noah, the Israelites in the desert, Jesus in the desert, the season of Lent), that helps us to grow and prepare for change. And just like you said, there is no Easter without Good Friday. Praise God for the Paschal mystery.
Prayers for you and your family (please say a prayer for me, too!)
What a beautiful post comparing pregnancy to Our Lord’s life-giving death on the cross. Thank you for this! <3 I will keep this in mind during pregnancy, God willing, and all other trials.
This was so lovely – thank you.
Diana J
I am 34 weeks pregnant and as the days get closer I find myself slowly slipping into doubts as the fears step in. I really needed to read this. Thank you so so much. God bless you
This came at the perfect time. We’re experiencing our second loss and this post has been on my mind for the past two weeks. Jesus weeps with us. He endured the cross for the joy set before him, and we can run the race because he has already won it for us. Thank you, Haley, for the sweet and timely reminder.
Thanks to Jesus for comforting you! And Thank you for sharing. Thankfully I wasn’t this sick during pregnancy, but I had treatment for breast cancer. At times I felt like you discribe. And found courage to carry it trough Jesus suffering.
Thank you for this post. I suffered with HG in my first pregnancy and now in my second. Only medication working for me is Diclegis and it makes me so weak and tired I can barely care for my one year old daughter. Many days I struggle with the thought of being a horrible mother. A poor Christian. All because I’m so sick and so tired constantly. I barely make it to church. My daughter watches Sesame Street all day sometimes. And I wonder why God has put such a burden on me in this pregnancy. But this article just reminded me of the beauty that is in the pain. The beauty of Jesus’ suffering for us. It brought me to tears. It was a perfect reminder that even in the pain of pregnancy. The hardships of parenting. We are reminded of Christ’s love for us. The beauty of salvation and his Grace. Thank you again. I needed this so so much.
This was beautiful! As I stare into the mirror at the new scars from having my gall bladder removed, another consequence of 5 full term pregnancies and 4 that didn’t quite get to the end. “This is my body which will be given up to you”.
I am exactly here at this moment.
I am pregnant with my 6th and I have HG and struggle tremendously. I can not care for my children, our home, let alone think. Having HG, can be so miserable and depressing and lonely. We have an incredible community lifting us up at this time; bringing meals, caring for our kids, cleaning our home and coming to sit with me to make the days pass. These are the moments when being pro-life is at its finest. Our family sacrifices everything for a new life we have been blessed with!
The struggle is so real!
May God be with you and all those that struggle with HG at this time!