A few weeks ago I shared something with my email subscribers–one of the more intimate “secret” posts I send to them that I do not post to the blog. (Psst! If you want to get them, too, you can sign up for free here). It was all about what my priest taught me in the confessional.
When I confessed losing my temper with my kids and being consistently impatient and frustrated, he told me to pray. But he didn’t tell me to pray for patience, instead he suggested asking God for surrender. He believed the anger and yelling is a result of the fear of not being in control. It was such an “aha” moment for me.
I have noticed lately that YES that’s when I lose it. When we need to get in the car NOW and one kid still hasn’t put her shoes on even though I have reminded her 6 times to do so and now we’re going to be late to Jiu Jitsu and I am completely not in control of the situation and BAM! Mom explosion.
Or when the sibling bickering gets insufferable and I start yelling (so helpful, right?) for it to JUST STOP. And I realize that I’m actually terrified. Terrified that my kids won’t learn to love each other the way they should. That they won’t be close when they grow up. That they’ll have trouble getting along with spouses and friends. I am scared and so I yell.
I haven’t conquered this problem. But I am noticing when it happens and why it happens. Parenthood puts us in situations that we cannot 100% control. And my prayer is to grow in this regard–to surrender myself to the interruptions, worries, frustrations and trust in God rather than grasp for control that I cannot have and will not achieve not matter how loud I yell or furiously stomp my feet.
I recently had a very terrifying health scare. After some tests, everything seems just fine but I did have some dark and awful thoughts. If I have to leave my family soon, will my kids remember me as the woman who was always yelling at them? And it broke my heart.
So I’ve been thinking about this issue a lot. I’ve tried to be more intentional about leaving plenty of time for things like loading up in the car so that even if it takes forever, I’m not freaking out and tempted to yell. I’ve also been prioritizing self-care which makes a HUGE difference on my patience levels. If I’m not depleted and burnt out, I’m much more likely to handle parenthood graciously. But those moments of stress will still happen no matter how carefully I plan my time, so I’ve also been trying to change my own heart and habits so that my first response isn’t to lose it. Because my kids are so precious to me! They’re the last people on the planet I’d want to lose my temper with.
And I know I’m not the only mom who struggles with keeping her temper. Anytime I’ve been vulnerable with a friend about the yelling, they’ve said, I’m so glad you told me because I do the same thing and I feel so guilty. We shouldn’t feel alone and ashamed. We should support each other toward change.
As soon as I heard that writer/blogger Lisa Jo Baker had created a Temper Toolkit course for learning to control your temper when dealing with your children, I thought, “Oh my gosh, I need that.” The introductory video spoke right to my heart. I felt like she was describing me. I never struggled to control my temper until I had kids. I would NEVER have described myself as an angry person. And here I am struggling every single day.
This course is not about guilting you about how bad it is to yell at your kids. I think as moms we all already carry plenty of guilt around and we KNOW we don’t want to be losing our tempers. We don’t need someone to tell us that. What we need is help so we can stop and I think that’s exactly what this course offers.
I don’t want to be the mom who yells. I want to be the mom who can model control, patience, and kindness for my children. I want my kids to remember feeling cherished and treasured, not barked at by a stressed-out woman raging around the house. I know my temper is much more under control now than it used to be a couple of years ago. I’m not dealing with pregnancy or post-partum hormones and I’m not overwhelmingly stressed out with a cross country move, career changes, etc. But I’m homeschooling, working from home, and writing a book in addition to all the typical life stuff to deal with like maintaining a house, buying groceries, and getting everyone to dentist appointments. Life is still full and always will be, right? I can’t wait for that imaginary time when there’s no stress to fix myself.
So I highly recommend the Temper Toolkit. Lisa Jo is so relatable and brings a Christian perspective to this problem so many of us face in our parenting. I am learning a ton and I want to encourage you to join me in conquering this struggle in motherhood. I’m human and will continue to make mistakes, but I want yelling to be the exception, not the rule. I owe that to my kids and to myself.
The Temper Toolkit course is usually $29 but through Tuesday, October 24th it’s included (along with my newest ebook and 104 other great resources) in the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle. So you can get the Temper Toolkit and dozens of other ebooks and ecourses on organization, intentional living, self-care, marriage, finances, healthy recipes, and parenting to help you make your home a place of peace–it’s worth over $1980 and if you grab it now it’s only $29.97!
But don’t forget that the sale ends TOMORROW Tuesday, October 24th at midnight, so grab your copy of the bundle now because time is running short!
Disclosure: As a participating author, a percentage of sales made through my affiliate link to the bundle will benefit my family. Thank you so much for supporting Carrots!
Such a perceptive look into what motivates our poor habits. As I come to terms with my anxiety disorder I really see how frequently fear has guided my actions or reactions. After a particularly bad experience of rambunctious kids at Mass I realised that my “impatience” with the kids was rooted in a fear of what others might think. That’s hardly going to teach kids to hunger for the joy of Christ in the Eucharist!
Motherhood certainly has these moments of grace when we learn to see the real issues that we need to work on, eh?
Thank you so much for helping me not feel alone in my struggle to keep my cool with my kids. I also had an aha moment recently. I discovered that I get sad and depressed the day after over-indulging in processed sugar and carbs. So the next day I am always sharper with my kids. Being aware of that had made it SOOOO much easier for me to stay in control.
I am with you! I want to have more fun with my kids and less yelling.
This rings really true. When I was in school for early childhood education, I learned about positive guidance techniques and could have sworn I would never yell at children. Then I got a job at a crappy daycare where we were under staffed and the children had behavioral issues due to a large variety of factors. I couldn’t control the class and they began hurting each other, so I yelled, terrified of the injuries they could and would inflict. It was awful. I felt so guilty for yelling but I had to figure out that it was the powerlessness and fear that drove me to act that way, so I won’t put myself in that situation again.
Do you really need to buy a book to teach you how to control your temper? Here’s a FREE toolkit:
1) Meditate on the virtues of the Blessed Virgin Mary, our Model of motherhood:
http://www.padrimariani.org/en/resources/r_pray_virtues.php
2) Pray the Rosary daily and ask our Blessed Mother to help you imitate her virtues.
3) When you feel short on patience with your children or husband, pray this aspiration until you recover: “Jesus, Mary, Joseph, help me!”
Completely free and very effective!
I think prayer is crucial for anyone trying to tackle their temper, that is so right. But I also think for some of us who have been praying on this for years and need to get deeper to address where this anger is coming from and change our habits and behavior do benefit from a course like Lisa Jo’s. I know I have!
Yes, but some of us need hands on help in addition to praying which I do every day.
I said the same thing in confession- I’m sure they hear that from a lot of moms – and my priest suggested I pray for joy. Mind blown. I always pray for patience and fortitude…but joy? To bring joy back into being a mom? That’s been amazing.
This article straight up changed my life. Thank-you.
I had never thought of it as a fear of loss of control but it rings so true for me too! Thank you!
Thank you for writing this! Something I have been struggling with and needed to hear. I just discovered this blog (through the Weasley family being Catholic post) and already love it!
Thank you for this post! I honestly felt like you read my mind.. and wrote what you read! I’m always so grateful to know that I’m not the only one out there. I appreciate the wise recommendation by the priest as well. I love your blog!