If you’re a parent, you definitely understand the whole parenting perfectionism phenomenon. It tells us, don’t EVER take your eyes off your child. Interact with them every day 24/7 –no breaks for laundry, sending a text message, or talking to your spouse! Sacrifice your health, your sanity, your passions, and everything else in order to make their childhood perfect.
Everything from food choices to traveling sports teams to owning only wooden toys to teaching them multiple languages before kindergarten should consume every second of your life. You need to go out to dinner sans kids? What about your child’s ATTACHMENT? You signed up for this gig, you can’t just be MIA for 2 hours so you can eat Pad Thai uninterrupted!
I’ve been thinking about the pitfalls of the parenting perfectionism trend ever since I heard Jennifer Fulwiler discuss the problem on her radio show. Jen had some insights that I had never considered before and really hit home for me.
I fell into this kind of perfectionist thinking when I first became a mom. If we consider parenthood to be the thing we must extensively plan for and excel at for a brief season–something that’s carefully scheduled into life, then it’s easy for this mindset to take hold. Yes, you’ll get no sleep and no time to yourself until your kid is school-aged but YOU SIGNED UP FOR THIS and you better make it perfect.
Once this season of mothering is over you can “get your life back.” Have you heard that phrase? As in, “we just donated all the baby stuff because we decided we’re done and I’m going to GET MY LIFE BACK.” I think every mother can relate to that desire, but as Christians, are we ever supposed to “get our life back”? Or does our life belong to someone else? Shouldn’t it always be poured out for someone…whether that’s kids or others in need of love and service?
When you are open to life, you know that there’s no guarantees you’re “finally out of the baby stage.” The kind of intense sacrifice of a new baby could be just around the corner. Instead of being something that’s scheduled with a five year plan, parenthood becomes just one (very important) part of life. But furthermore, it’s simply the brand of Christian servanthood parents are practicing in that season.
When your days in the trenches of parenthood are over, you will be asked to served in other ways–caring for your community, caring for aging parents, caring for family members with special needs. The Christian life is a life of outpouring–a life of generous love.
If this motherhood thing isn’t just a season to neglect ourselves before “getting our lives back” and doing whatever we want, if instead it’s one beautiful piece of a life of servanthood, then we have to be intentional about making that life of sacrifice sustainable.
Perhaps it’s possible to spend two or three years of your life getting no sleep, getting no time to yourself, and neglecting exercise, physical health, mental health, and relationships. (In fact, I know it’s possible because I’ve done parenthood that way only to watch my health completely fall apart. I felt like I was drowning in every aspect of my life until I made some major changes in my attitude toward motherhood.) But if we’re called to serve others with our lives instead of treating a small season of parenting as the sacrifice window and motherhood is one important piece of that calling, then it is ESSENTIAL that we practice self-care in order that we have something left to offer.
We cannot run on fumes our whole lives. And for those of us who end up having larger families, we cannot treat motherhood as the season when we completely neglect ourselves, because that season will last a loooooooong time. It is simply not sustainable to ignore self-care and an attitude that does so will end up hurting our families in the long run.
I know when we had our first baby–a colicky little guy who NEVER slept and I was working full-time and Daniel was finishing his degree and we were states away from any extended family, I felt like we couldn’t ask for help. I didn’t get the support I needed from my community because I felt like, “well, Haley, you should have planned better. You signed up for this motherhood thing. So you’re starting to hallucinate because you’ve had 10 hours of sleep total in the past seven days? Too bad! Push through that post-partum depression!”
I had no idea how to practice self-care. I felt like I had to be on call every second or else I was a bad mother. I shouldn’t even WANT time away from my baby or I was a bad mother. By the time our third baby came along, something had to give. I could not be a healthy mother by neglecting my own needs. I could not continue functioning and serving my family when I was exhausted, touched out, and empty.
I had to face the lie I had believed for years, “If you need time away from your children, that’s because you don’t really love them.” Thinking about it now I can’t believe that I actually took that ridiculous lie to heart! But I did. I believed it. So I not only neglected my needs, but I felt guilty for even wanting to take care of myself.
Over time, I realized that to be the mother I wanted to be, I needed to figure out self-care. I knew how to take care of my family, but I had been ignoring my own needs for years and didn’t even know how to take care of myself. What could I do to feel refreshed and able to live out my vocation?
It took me awhile to figure it out. I started making alone time away from the kids a priority. I would sneak away with a novel and a cup of coffee, Panera bound at 5:45am before Daniel left for work. That’s often what it took to have those moments alone. I took on a weekly holy hour. I started diving into my writing career more and even hiring a mother’s helper once in a blue moon if I was working on a big project.
I realized that soaking in the bath with Epsom salts and watching a movie while Daniel handled bedtime was something I should do now and then and not feel guilty about.I slowly started developing a “grown up” wardrobe of items that make me feel beautiful and branch out from the t-shirts and ratty jeans I’d been wearing since college. I started getting together with mom friends for dinner once a month and staying out til 11pm when the Thai place would finally have to kick us out.
And all those little things together revolutionized not just my personal health, but also the joy I could take in mothering. I had something to give again. I didn’t just feel like ushering my children outside where they couldn’t ask me questions anymore because I was JUST SO TIRED OF TALKING. I didn’t feel resentful toward Daniel for going on a trip for work, or volunteering at church because I wasn’t drowning anymore. (Yes, at one point I actually felt resentful of him leaving to volunteer at church because that’s how burnt out I was.)
And the thing is, I am a better mom if I get time away and take care of myself. I yell less. I listen more. I read that extra bedtime book. Because I don’t feel like I’m gasping for air.
When new moms ask me for advice, I don’t tell them anything about how to parent. At this stage in motherhood, I’m pretty sure I don’t know anything. I’m definitely no longer the “expert” I was before having kids. But I do know that moms MUST take care of themselves to mother well. We encourage pregnant women to get sleep, good nutrition, and exercise for their unborn little one but then as soon as the baby’s born, we ignore the crucial truth that the child’s well-being still is highly dependent on the wellness of the mother. And that mothers deserve to thrive as well.
So please, take care of yourself. Prioritize your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Instead of neglect and exhaustion, pursue the self-care you need in order to serve. Whether that looks like the sacrifices of motherhood or whether you’re serving in a different way. We are all called to serve, no matter our vocation. Not just for a season, but with our whole lives.
Do you practice self-care? How do you take care of yourself so you can serve in whatever way you are called to?
Yes, and yes! I do think we have to be careful not to take self care so far that we end up neglecting our family and forgetting that our husband has needs too. This is one reason I’m not a big fan of Mother’s Rule of Life. Heading out every other Saturday, don’t know when I’ll be back, good luck honey? I don’t jive with that! We do need to be intentional about self care. I don’t think texting or checking our social media/email renews us, so we need to push those noise makers to the back and instead schedule down times where we are actually refreshed.
Thanks for the post!
I think that’s a possible pitfall, Elizabeth Clare, but I don’t think it’s very common. I know a LOT of mothers who don’t give themselves the self-care they need and are suffering because of it (or in some cases, are in a very stressful situation in which the self-care they need just isn’t possible at the time). I don’t know any mothers who practice TOO much self-care and are neglecting their families. My beef with A Mother’s Rule of Life is just that it doesn’t jive with my temperament and personality. I can’t be that rigidly scheduled or it causes more stress, not less. But I’m all about leaving the house for several hours while my husband bonds with the kids. He’s missed them all week and I’ve been homeschooling. That time away is what keeps me from going completely nuts!
Haley, glad to hear that you have found a better balance for this season! Walks, reading, taking time to write, taking a shower without getting interrupted… all so good and necessary!
I do want to ditto what Elizabeth Clare said about seeing mothers take too much “self-care” time- I actually see this a lot with the mothers I met at the park or other places that aren’t in my circle, who stay home but have a nanny and put two-year-olds in mothers day out always plus another morning away from home, and get a daily Starbucks because it’s so hard to have little kids (I live right by the wealthiest part of town. What can I say). These aren’t women who are expecting to have infinite years of childbearing but ones that will have 2, maybe 3 kids, and then be “done.” They leave one month old babies to go on dates and eight month old babies for the weekend (but it’s okay because the freezer is full of milk!). Not that any of these are bad in and of themselves- the two year old’s nap protests last year when I had a little baby definitely led me to Starbuck’s more than I am proud of- but it is an outlook that is trying to escape the difficulty in caring for small children, not one that is trying to care for oneself in order to give oneself. It does exist.
When I have an aversion to self-care, it is not out of a desire to make my children’s childhoods perfect, it is seeing that and not wanting to be like that. To make sure I pay attention to my children, that I do what I can in terms of taking care of the house, that I am not just trying to escape it. Anyway, my husband and I are figuring out what is feasible for our family right now, which often feels like there is not as much time as we’d like to be together as a family, to each have time alone, (and sometimes, especially after he’s been traveling for work, mine really has to be out of the house!), to each have time with friends, to have time by ourselves, to exercise, to spend time with extended family, to clean, etc etc. But we have SOME of each of those things, even if it’s not quite enough, and it is good.
Good luck continuing to strike a balance as stages change! It is VERY important.
YES Haley, this is such a good word, and I especially love how you draw out that for Catholic mothers who enter into an ongoing discernment of how many children to have, this heavy season of motherhood may be more than just 5 years of total abandon. That definitely can set us apart from the American norm of parenting. I have been learning how much I have GOT to speak up for my needs of basic sanity and rest, if this is to be a sustainable life of openness for our family going forward.
I really don’t think that any conscientious mother who wishes the best for her whole family and consults with her husband will end up neglecting the needs of her family if she thinks carefully about self-care and ties to get it. In fact, I think that with continuous assessment and asking for her different needs in different seasons, she can end up being more amenable to making sure her husband and her both get adequate refreshment time which carries no resentment on either part, and have better stores of energy and love for her children. Just like you outline. Hurray for that!
Totally. It’s a little bit mind blowing to get out of the “give up your life for 3-5 years and then donate the baby stuff and go back to doing whatever you want” mindset and move into……”Whoa…I could be in the baby stage for the next…..20 years.” lol
Once I got my own self-care under control is when I could actually support my family in a deeper way. For instance, Daniel’s going overseas on a trip for work for a week this summer. Three years ago I could not have imagined surviving that. Now I’m thrilled for him, just like he is for me if I go out of town for a weekend conference. The resentment is gone.
This is such a great post, Haley! I’m glad you wrote it. It’s like when you’re on an airplane and you can’t help the person next to you with their oxygen mask until yours is firmly in place. It doesn’t mean you’re selfish; it means you’re making sure you can help others (in this case, our husband and kids!) with our very best instead of running on fumes.
My husband is very good about making sure I get time for self-care, sometimes to his own detriment (I’m working on that!) It’s gotten a lot harder and we’re still adjusting to what that looks like now that we both work outside the home – it was easier before, when he was the SAHD and I was the sole breadwinner. Mandatory for each of us is at least one yearly retreat (we go separately, at different times.) We both have a standing agreement that if one of us needs Adoration or Confession time, the other pretty much reschedules whatever is necessary to make it work. I meet up for happy hour or coffee with a friend about twice a month, and I teach oils classes a few times a month as well. He gets to sleep in on Saturdays, go golfing occasionally, and attend Bible studies or classes at our church when he chooses. It’s not a perfect system and we are both still working on it. It’s hard since the kids are still so young and we don’t really have family here either.
Anyway – thank you for the post 🙂
It took me awhile to find the right balance, and of course that changes all the time depending on the kids ages and what they need and will change big time the next time (God willing) we’re blessed with a new baby. <3
Where was this 3 years ago when my first was born?!?! I LOVE YOU for writing this. I am now just realizing how I need to apply this to my life. Like literally my blow dryer died 2 weeks before his due date and I JUST bought a new one.
I feel as if God is telling me this from all sides, take care of you. He must really want me to! ?
Thank you for yet again a wonderful post and blog!
LOL about the blow dryer! <3
I really appreciate your balanced perspective here, Haley. Especially the point about this being Real Life and not a phase to endure: we dwell in possibility in the NFP life! I definitely feel better (that is, less guilty) about self care when thinking of it as a way of ensuring that I am fit to serve my family well. What I sometimes struggle with is finding ways to spend free time that are genuinely refreshing– sometimes there is a sense of pressure to hurry up and relax!
I see posts like this every so often, and they just make me want to cry. I don’t know how you all fell into such lovely lives that accommodate self-care time, or understanding families, or the financial means to buy help where none is forthcoming — or even friends who have any of these things, so that even IF I scraped together the time and goodwill to go to a Thai restaurant one evening that I wouldn’t be the only one in the booth … Well, we just don’t have that. I want it. It sounds so beautiful. I want it so much I’m pouring tears as I write this. But I guess God saw fit to give me something different. Life-threatening pregnancies, a body that can’t seem to cooperate with NFP, a family that would probably say “offer it up” if I ever said anything about “self-care.” I’ll remember to count my blessings… but don’t forget to count yours, all of you wonderful people! :’)
Anonymous, I’m so sorry you are so lonely. These burdens are so incredibly hard to bear. Have you seen this post about St. Greg’s Pockets? http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/st-gregory-pockets/ Maybe there is one near you. Or could you start one?
I will pray for friends to come your way 🙂
Thanks for sharing this link!
Hey, you aren’t alone is sitting in an empty booth—having a hard time finding like minded women who are in the same stage of life as I am right now as well. HANG IN THERE!
I’m very sorry to hear you feel so alone. Making mommy friends can be hard – it feels like dating awkwardly all over again!! – but it’s worth pushing out of the comfort zone! Try going to a library storytime with your little one(s). Call the church and see about the women’s groups. There are SO many mommy groups on Facebook now, too! Searching for some in your area! Meetup is still a good way to find groups and doesn’t always require a fee. Sometimes even if you just take a walk in your neighborhood regularly, you might start to run into Mamas who feel just as you do, only a block or two away.
It’s hard but YOU are worth it!! I will say some prayers today you find those nourishing relationships you seek.
Anonymous, I feel much the same way. I have three kids under four right now and work full time outside of the home. I really struggle with finding the time and financial means (no family help close by) to maintain in-person friendships beyond my family, and my husband can only occasionally give me time alone because of our many responsibilities.
I have confidence that God does not give us things that are impossible to handle (albeit requiring substantial sacrifice), so I am trying to discover what “self care” means for me in my current time of life. I can prioritize sleep, generally good nutrition, a little bit of exercise, and figuring out what little things can rejuvenate me vs. draining “entertainment”. I am learning that I can exercise a bit, even if I have to modify because of swarming children. I am rejuvenated a bit if I am outside and look up at the sky or trees to observe their beauty or if I watch my children’s joy and loving interactions. On the other hand, there are several habits that I default to when I am stressed, even though they are draining (re: social media, reading articles, chatting with people). I am making a conscious effort to find those little things and figure out how to modify them and soak up happiness to help me serve and accept the required sacrifice of daily life.
Sometimes I just need time alone, and have to ask my husband to pick up the slack while recognize that he will do it in his own way (for example–allow kids to watch a show or play with something messy). Hopefully you have someone who can do the same for you. I will pray for you!
I totally feel you here. I feel like other people are living in this magical land where NFP works, where pregnancy isn’t debilitating, where kids sleep through the night so you can get up an hour early without becoming dangerously sleep-deprived, where husbands work only 40 hours and have a reasonable commute, where help is available if we only asked …. That is not my life. I’m not a perfectionist, I just have four kids and they are ALL high-needs. I’ve been big on self-care and lowering standards but I’ve realized that in my attempt to relax and not make things hard on myself, I’ve failed to teach my 5-year-old literally anything, I missed my 7-year-old’s autism until this year, the 2.5-year-old is basically feral, and none of us have had doctor’s checkups in years. We can’t live like that. There are things that HAVE to be done. And there is no line out the door of helpful people who would like to take over for me if I would only ask, because they all have kids and work of their own!
I’ve found that you have to compromise on some things. Meaning we are giving up homeschooling, next year, because I’ve realized I just can’t do it this year. Maybe we can do it again the year after, I hope so, but being realistic meant I had to cut myself that slack. And the other thing is, I am going to be SURE not to have another child anytime soon … which means *cough* not trusting NFP because it does not work. I hate to recommend either of the two other options, abstinence or breaking church teaching, because I don’t know what’s worse for anyone else. But getting pregnant again is not an option.
This almost made me cry because I have been living this life for 6 years now. I have a trip with some mom friends planned for this weekend and it will be the longest I’ve ever been away from my kids and I am wracked with guilt over being away from them. I feel guilty constantly about not making their childhood perfect. Thank you for this post.
This is a great read, and so desperately needed!
Best line: “If this motherhood thing isn’t just a season to neglect ourselves before “getting our lives back” and doing whatever we want, if instead it’s one beautiful piece of a life of servanthood, then we have to be intentional about making that life of sacrifice sustainable.”
This is such a thing I need to work on! For years I’ve been in a cycle of pushing myself beyond my limits and then a few times a year I’d burn out and break down. Before I had a baby it was with my responsibilities at work and taking care of my home and husband, before I was married it was with work stress. I think this is a thing lots of people can struggle with but parenting takes it to a different place because you have these little people depending on you and you feel so much pressure to do it all and be super-mom. Since I had my son, anxiety and a few panic attacks have accompanied the overwhelm. I was already aware that I couldn’t maintain living that way, but being a mom has heightened that awareness and really driven home the idea that for the sake of my family (if not for my own sake) I need to make some changes in my life. It’s a tough thing to navigate through and see what works for us.
Thanks for a great article! As an ‘older’ (age 54) Catholic mom of a college-grad and high-schooler, I can tell you that taking care of yourself too and letting your kids figure things out on their own helps them become independent, compassionate, problem-solvers and not self-centered, especially in this day of both parents working outside of the home. My son started doing his own laundry because Dad used to shrink everything 🙂 When in college, he thanked us for teaching him how to do chores and clean (he must’ve had not so clean roomies!). Out of necessity, our boys also learned how to cook and their girlfriends’ parents have thanked us! The saying “When Momma is happy, everyone is happy” is true! Momma has to have her coffee too! Don’t feel guilty; and of course, everything in moderation.
At one confession, I shared w/ a priest how stressed I was and yelling at my family. He said that I should take care of myself too in order to be a better mom and wife. My penance was to take some quiet time just for myself! Wow – I love the Sacrament of Reconciliation these days!
Wow, you wouldn’t believe how timely this post is for my life right now! My DH and I were actually just talking about this as I admittedly told him how I find myself jealous of him leaving for working every morning to go to a job he’s fed up of to work with ppl he can hardly tolerate (yes, JEALOUS of this—WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!). We are in the trenches right now with a 6 yr, 4 yr, 2 yr and newborn. And like you said, being a ppl of life, we can’t say that this crew is complete—matter-of-fact, it mostly likely isn’t. This being said, I can’t keep on like this or we’ll all be locked up in the loony bin! I REALLY appreciate this Haley. THANKS!
Any tips on self-care for work-outside-the-home moms? My husband has no desire to ever leave the house (introvert), we work the exact same number of hours and he does kid pickup and dropoff, so I always feel guilty for the few times I do leave. Is my working time supposed to be self-care? I do get a lunch time every day where I only have to feed myself. Should I just be viewing this all differently?
Hi C! Please don’t worry if your hubby doesn’t want to do anything; my hubby is like that and that is just the way he is and he is perfectly satisfied like that; we are each different and that is probably why opposites attract 🙂 Don’t feel guilty either. If you take care of yourself, you will be happier and a better wife/mom. If you can, try to go for a walk; w/ or w/out a friend/co-worker;it will help clear your head and give you a calmer perspective on things, and it’s great physically! I walk during lunch and eat at my desk. Or see if you can walk before or after work, especially if your hubby is already doing the kid transport. If you can squeeze in at least 15 minutes of any exercise too, that is great. Good luck to you! You deserve me-time!
I don’t think that working time can really be considered self care, unless it is something that you really love doing and/or refreshes you. On the other hand, having a lunch to yourself every day can present opportunity. I feel more rested/rejuvenated if I spend my lunchtime outside or taking a walk to clear my mind. Some people might be more rejuvenated by having regularly scheduled “lunch dates” with a friend. Some might be rejuvenated by reading a book or doing a craft (knitting/crocheting/drawing are some portable ideas). Figure out what helps you, and just use the time available to your best advantage.
I am a working introvert married to a (working) extrovert. He gets out or invites people over way more than I do, and sometimes I resent it–but also know that he is happier with such interaction. He scales it down out of consideration for me, and he is supportive of me taking time periodically as well. I am still figuring out what really helps me in shorter doses (I could really use a 3-5 day retreat, but that is impossible for various reasons right now). We have candid conversations about needs (not so much “would be nice”) from time to time that help to gain each other’s perspective.
Such a good post! I have had so many people tell me that I needed to make some time to take care of me and I always smiled and nodded. I am sure that I even passed on this advice to other moms like I was an expert. Meanwhile, I pushed through 11 years of momming before I truly got it. I don’t want others to go through what it took for me to realize that I had truly neglected myself. I am on the path to becoming healthy, but I am convinced that if I were not unable to have more kids, that I would still be putting myself through the blender. As it is, we will soon only one under 6yo (Our 1yo) and I can’t help but feel like maybe God was forcing the issue with me… “Fine, if you won’t take care of yourself and kids at the same time…”
Please ladies, don’t wait until you are raising your caboose baby to realize that you have let friendships die, let favorite past-times become faint memories, and have not modeled for your kids how to build friendships or care for themselves.
Great as usual Haley!Everything that you said is so very true. At one point I had 6 little ones under the age of 9. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. I remember sitting at the foot of my bed and sobbing because I didn’t think that I would ever sleep again. I would be wracked with guilt because I wasn’t June Clever and Martha Stewart all wrapped up into one. And I was 100% sure that I was ruining my kids. It all shifted for me one day in confession. My priest was listening to me go on and on about being impatient and grouchy and not being the kind of mother that I felt called to be. He stopped me and asked me what I did for fun. I just looked at him. Fun?!? Who in the world had time for fun?!? He asked me if I took time to exercise or read or journal or to do something that was just for me. Again, I looked at him like a deer caught in headlights. Of course not. Who had time to exercise when I had so many things to do, like cook and laundry and help with schoolwork and nurse a baby? How in the world could I justify letting all of that slide to do something for myself. As my penance, he ordered me to take 30 minutes for myself each day to go for a walk and pray the rosary for a month. When I told me husband this, it made him realize how stressed out I was and he started to “enforce” mom alone time. It was still hard to do, but I was bound by obedience. After that month was up, I realized how even just a 15 minute walk in the fresh air was a huge help to my mood and made me a much nicer mom. I still struggle with the guilt thing, but I am much better at dealing with it. Another thing that happened was our last baby. He was kind of a “surprise.” Per my chart he shouldn’t have happened, but thankfully God knew better. A year after I had him, I ended up needing to have a hysterectomy. It was a very abrupt ending to my “baby years” and one that I really struggled with. I still do at times. But I finally realized what a beautiful gift fertility is and how blessed I had been when things seemed to be crazy. It’s so hard to remember when you are right in the middle of it. I think that in order to really appreciate the gift that this season of life is, we need to make sure that we are able to give of ourselves. And as I am sure that you have all heard before, you can’t give something that you don’t have. Prayers for all of you mommas! You are not alone.
YES I love this. I have thought about this a LOT, still being in the early years but not knowing if/when we will be “done” and the various ways that informs my parenting and family life. There are lots of things one can tolerate for a finite period, but indefinitely? Not so much. We mamas need to take care of ourselves, and ultimately I think setting strong boundaries with kiddos that help us do this is ultimately better for the kids, too. I only have two now, but I want them to learn to listen well and practice patience (which is hard for everyone, but a skill and a virtue!), because I know that will make life less stressful if/when we have more kiddos in the mix. It’s good for me to not feel like I lose my personhood in the midst of motherhood only to “get it back” after a finite period, and good for my kids to know they are not the center of the world. I especially love, though, the connection of Christian servanthood in every season of life, including but not limited to parenthood and family life. My life is not my own today, and really never was and never should be.
Hi Haley, this was an interesting post, thank you. It gets to the heart of my worries about the Christian life in general and our duties towards others vs towards ourselves. I vividly remember a priest from childhood telling us in a sermon that we had to ‘give until it hurts’. OK, maybe that’s possible: give to charity rather than buying yourself a new dress – that might hurt a bit. But when you look at the lives of the saints that are held up as role models of ‘heroic virtue’ for the average Christian, it seems to me that self-care is precisely not top of their priority lists. From hermits in the desert to self-starvation via extreme fasting to privation of comforts (sleeping on hard floors, wearing sackcloth) to giving one’s life for one’s unborn child (slightly different given that sometimes one can’t morally do otherwise, but you get the picture). I would love to believe that we should love ourselves as we love our neighbours: that is, look after ourselves the way we are supposed to look after others, not treat ourselves worse than we would treat another – and not burn out or make ourselves miserable by serving others. But the lives I see held up as models don’t reflect that. From what I have always heard, I have the impression that the Christian life demands us to love our neighbour MORE than ourselves. (Nb – speaking entirely theoretically here, I’m certainly not doing this in practice.) I’d be interested in how you see these examples and whether I’m missing something or misinterpreting.
I think you touch on something really important here, Maddie! We ARE called to heroic virtue. We ARE called to be saints. And as I said in the post, the Christian life is one of generous love and outpouring of ourselves for others. Wasn’t it St. Teresa of Calcutta who said “love til it hurts and then love some more”? But if you look at the daily schedule of her order (Missionaries of Charity) you’ll see that there is significant time set aside from their daily work of helping the poor to rest, have tea, and nourish the spiritual life. This is something I grabbed from Jen Fulwiler’s blog (this post: http://jenniferfulwiler.com/2014/02/the-courage-to-rest/)
“4:30 – 5:00: Rise and get cleaned up
5:00 – 6:30: Prayers and Mass
6:30 – 8:00: Breakfast and cleanup
8:00 – 12:30: Work for the poor
12:30 – 2:30: Lunch and rest
2:30 – 3:00: Spiritual reading and meditation
3:00 – 3:15: Tea break
3:15 – 4:30: Adoration Prayer
4:30 – 7:30: Work for the poor
7:30 – 9:00: Dinner and clean up
9:00 – 9:45: Night prayers
9:45: Bedtime”
So while the Missionaries of Charity are giving of themselves heroically each day, they have ample time to eat, pray, do spiritual reading, and sleep 7 hours every night (if only! right?). This would, of course, be essential because without caring for their own spiritual and physical needs, how could they do their work? Without this self-care, it would not be sustainable.
Thanks for your reply, Haley. I need to think about this some more. Perhaps I’ve got the wrong end of the stick about exactly how hard on ourselves ‘heroic virtue’ really has to mean.
In fact, perhaps the old ‘quality not quantity’ is relevant. The aim is quality (more love, facilitated by self care), not quantity (15 hour shifts helping the poor)
Can I also say as a single woman I wish more married Catholic women bloggers would follow your advice. I’m terrified, yes terrified, of marriage because a lot of what I see from the community is ‘NFP is horrible, I’m a (bored) SAHM with ten kids, but ho hum, heroic virtue’. It’s hard to see where the ‘but it’s worth it’ lies sometimes. ??♀️ Thank you for the wisdom.