This post is sponsored by Covenant Eyes.
My oldest child is seven years old. In a perfect world, I would not have to worry about protecting him from pornography. But, this is not a perfect world and I absolutely have to worry about it.
But at age SEVEN? Surely, I don’t have to worry til my kids are teenagers, right? Recently, my friend Jenny shared a great series on her blog about porn proofing our kids. One of the most shocking revelations was that the average child is exposed to porn for the first time at the age of 9.
That seemed so young to me that I asked around a little bit. “How old were you when you saw porn for the first time?” Everyone I asked said they were younger than 12 and I can only imagine it’s worse now than it was when we were kids because of all the devices connecting to wi-fi.
One of the things I’ve come to realize is that I cannot 100% protect my kids from being exposed to porn. At some point, they’re going to see it. It’s everywhere. I HATE THAT. I wish I could just stick my head in the sand. But, knowing not only the harm porn does but how saturated our world is with it, I want to do the best I can to protect my children. It’s time to start having conversations with our kids about porn before they’re ever exposed to it.
I want my kids to hear about sex from their parents and feel comfortable asking any questions they have with us. Because we’ve lived on a farm for the pest year, conversations about sex probably come up pretty often and I’m so glad that’s the case. So far, we’ve let our kids guide the conversation with their questions. And honestly, it really hasn’t been awkward. And even if it does get awkward at some point, I refuse to let that stand in the way of this important conversation. I want to be the resource my kids go to for all their questions. I don’t want them to think that porn is the only place the can go for answers about sex because porn will only tell them lies.
I want my kids to know that sex is a gift from God. That they don’t have to be embarrassed to ask about it. That their bodies are amazing and wonderful and they are each born with dignity and value. And I want them to know that there are images out there that would seek to diminish that dignity and warp the purpose and meaning of sex, images that exploit and injure both the viewer and the women and men being viewed.
When my kids are one day exposed to porn (because friends, it’s going to happen someday) I want them to realize what they are seeing right away and know that they don’t want anything to do with it. I want healthy relationships for them. I don’t want them to ever feel ashamed or unlovable. And I want them to understand that other human beings are created to be loved, not used.
I want them to know that porn is a lie and I want them to know that love is real and that they are so worthy of true love. I seek to make my marriage the kind of love they want to strive for. I hope my relationship with my husband is full of love, joy, friendship, passion, and respect so that they know what true love looks like and so they won’t settle for anything less.
I want to protect and prepare my kids for loving relationships and a strong sense of self-worth and the dignity and value of others. I absolutely hate that it’s necessary to have these conversations with my young kids, but here we are. It’s time to be smart about putting filtering software on our internet-accessible devices and perhaps moving toward having a family desktop in the center of the house rather than devices in the bedrooms.
I’m partnering with Covenant Eyes on this post and I had a chance to view their free online course called CMGConnect Parents. This little 20 minute video course is geared specifically to Catholic parents and covers not just how to have positive conversations about sexuality and the internet with your kids but also what to do when you discover your child has already been exposed to porn.
As I said, our kids are young so we haven’t been there yet, but I can only imagine that this is an incredibly common situation for families to find themselves in and can be tricky to navigate. Because of course you want to address the issue is a way that helps your child feel safe confiding in you and helps them feel loved and treasured, not ashamed and closed off. There’s great advice in CMGConnect Parents on how to handle those situations! And after finishing the short 20 minute video, Covenant Eyes is offering a code for a free month of their filtering and accountability service.
So let’s do this. Let’s start this conversation NOW and shine a light on the dangers of porn so that it can’t thrive in the darkness anymore. We can’t let this topic be taboo because we don’t want to think about it, it’s too important. This isn’t easy, but let’s start talking about it with our kids. Let’s prepare them to encounter porn and know that it’s telling them a lie about sex and love and what human beings are for. Let’s tell them the truth about sexuality and real love. Because that’s what they deserve.
Disclosure: This post is sponsored by Covenant Eyes. All opinions are my own. As always, I only share about services and products that I would use myself.
Thanks for the info, Haley. I am a longtime reader but first time commenter. I have two sweet girls under two but you are right, it’s never too late to start thinking about how we will navigate the inevitable. God bless you and the thoughts you articulate so well. I love reading your posts and the subsequent comments. I appreciate knowing that other Catholic wives and mothers think and feel like me!
Thank you, Alyssa! <3
Dear Haley, I have really enjoyed hearing about your family and your struggles as a young Catholic mom, I very much enjoy the way you write and your passion for your kids and writing. I enjoy Daniel’s point of view also.
I wonder if you realize that almost everything you post now is for sales? I get it, you need to make a living, but in my feelings that was not our deal at the beginning. I felt that three out of four posts or so would just be your thoughts and your take on life. Times are tough, ok, maybe half will be about Catholic parenting. That’s entertaining and thought provoking, especially to an old cradle Catholic like me. I love sharing things I have found that really work too. But I kind of feel that selling things has become the point now. Anyway, I wish you the best going forward, you are a great mom and a lovely person.
Hi Katherine,
So sorry you feel that way. To put a little perspective to your claim that “almost everything you post now is for sales,” of the past 9 posts, 1 is a sponsored post about an issue I care deeply about, 2 are fashion posts which are not sponsored and are just fun (in my opinion, at least), the other 6 are about our family life, books, politics, and music. My last sponsored post was posted about 6 weeks ago. I’m really glad that my job as a blogger allows me to write about the things I love at no cost to my readers who can access it all for free AND support my family (especially as it was the main source of income for my family during Daniel’s internship this past year). This post offers a free resource to help Catholic parents navigate internet safety. I consider that a bonus for my readers, not a negative. 🙂 I also turn down opportunities every single week because I don’t think they would be a true benefit for my audience.
What a wonderful respectful response, Haley!
As a reader, I am occasionally annoyed by sponsored posts, but yours always feel genuine. I am mostly annoyed by contrived sponsored posts, where the set up is a farce and the author isn’t authentic. I have not found that to be the case for you.
Even if it were, I appreciate your need to add to your family’s income and I see it no different than ads in a magazine or TV commercials. I am a big girl and I can choose not to buy or not to read any post. This, more or less, is your job. I am not paying you to write, so you get paid anyway that you can. Plus, I very much appreciate the thought that you put in to the discernment of which items/companies you promote, and the fact that nearly all of them are faithfully relevant (and if not expressly so, at least they are morally neutral) and that you seamlessly review everything through a Catholic lens.
Thank you for writing!
And thanks for teaching me about Covenant Eyes as we have a 7 yr old, too. The time is near!
I appreciate your comment so much, Amanda. Thank you!
Long time lurker, first time commenter- just had to give you kudos for such a classy response. I always think that even your sponsored posts contain depth and content, a LOT of blogs (my own included) could take a lesson from how you handle them. Glad you covered this SUPER important issue!
Thank you, Emma. I really appreciate that!
Agreed! And I am not Catholic! You are a model for bloggers everywhere Haley! Xo
Haley, I’m so glad you wrote this post, even if it’s sponsored! It’s definitely thought provoking and something I have been purposely “burying my head in the sand” about. I didn’t see porn for the first time until I was somewhere in my teenage years so it certainly is possible to shelter your children a little longer but only if you take the issue seriously and takes necessary to protect them. If you ignore it and think it won’t happen, it most certainly will! Such a sad world that we have to think about this at all. Porn is not victimless as some people claim, everyone involved in a victim even if they don’t think they are!!!
Katherine, I’m confused as to why you are so upset about this post. It’s a great standalone post with valuable information even if you cut out the sponsored info so it’s definitely not all about a product. And it seems like these are Haley’s genuine thoughts on the topic so why does it matter if she was paid to write it? Do you not read the newspaper because the writers are paid and therefore the information must not be as good as someone who does it all for free?
Totally, Mandi. I think the worst thing we can do is assume it could never happen to us. By taking precautions and opening up the conversation we can at the very least mitigate the damage when our kids are exposed.
Outstanding article! Please continue to speak out about this nefarious and insidious addiction, which destroys the lives of individuals, marriages, and families, both within and outside the Church.
Thanks, Marmee! <3
Sadly relevant to all parents, in every stage. Thanks for the recommendation, Haley.
Sadly it’s very prevalent. My son’s school has all the students and teachers sign internet usage agreements basically saying you won’t harass people online or use inappropriate language (like racist statements) or view pornography. I basically told him that he was signing that he wouldn’t use the computers to say mean things to people or look at pictures of naked people. I realize that a person being naked isn’t necessarily pornography. Certainly there’s enough art work of naked people, but how do you explain to a Kindergartner or a 1st grader all that without in some way stealing their innocence? I just went for the most innocent route. I’m sure the computer lab already blocks a lot of access points to porn and that the paper is to deter people from circumventing the blocks.
It really is difficult to figure out how to explain in an age appropriate manner!
Great post, Haley. I really like what you said about striving to have a marriage that shows them what true love looks like. Growing up, my parents definitely let us know that sex outside of marriage and pornography were wrong, but the example of marriage that they showed me wasn’t something that looked desirable in the least. I think that exactly when and how you decide to talk to your kids about these issues isn’t nearly as important as showing them the goodness and beauty of marriage in your relationship.
As for the how and when though…my oldest is in kindergarten, so I know the conversation isn’t too far off. We are very forthright with our kids about body parts and have talked about sex relating to the chickens and roosters that we raise. For the most part, we’ve just been taking their lead, answering their questions openly. But I have concern about introducing him too early to the idea of pornography. I know someone who was actually introduced to the idea through their church. I know that they’ll see it eventually anyway, but I worry that I’d just be putting an idea into his head that wasn’t even on his radar. Does that make sense? Any thoughts?
Yes, that makes complete sense! I think this is the year that we start to let our oldest use the internet for some homeschooling stuff and so I think we’ll need to touch on the subject before allowing internet usage. But of course you don’t want to make it sound like some forbidden fruit or something that they’re going to go looking for. I think I’m going to let the conversation happen naturally and not make a HUGE DEAL out of it. Mention that the internet is a tool that we can use but there are safety issues to be aware of. There are people that do try to use the internet to harm others and there are images that would harm us. Totally up to you about how much detail to go into. Start the conversation, make sure the child feels comfortable talking to you, and don’t make it a HUGE THING. Any moms who have already dealt with this want to chime in and give advice?
I’m thankful you brought this up. My oldest is only 6 and doesn’t yet use the computer by himself BUT there have been occasions when he and his brother have been watching cartoons on YouTube and an ad will come on that, though not porn, is very sexual. It freaks me the freak out. So we stick to Netflix now but I HATE that it’s so rampant like you said. I’d heard of Covenant Eyes before (great things) but hadn’t really put together that maybe the time to pull the trigger is getting close here. I appreciate the reminder!
Youtube is awful about that! And you really never know what is going to come up next since the videos start automatically. One time we were just watching tractor videos and then there was a near nude woman sitting on a tractor. That’s not the kind of tractor video I was expecting!
Just a quick note about YouTube: I use an AdBlock add-on to my Chrome browser, and it blocks those ads. You can also turn off auto-play so it doesn’t go to something sketchy. Just a thought!
Just wanted to chime in and say that we are Covenant Eyes users, and I’m a big fan. When we first signed up, I thought I would be overwhelmed with the reports and trying to sift through it all, but it has been wonderful, very user-friendly, and most importantly, it just opens up the doors to communicate about the issue without accusations or shame. Love it and love this thoughtful post!
That’s great to hear, Hannah! I’m glad Covenant Eyes has been so helpful for your fam!
Totally agree. Thank you for writing this. We had this series of conversations with our 9 and 11 year old boys this spring, using this book to help us. Another great resource.
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Pictures-Bad-Porn-Proofing-Todays/dp/0615927335/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1472136874&sr=8-1&keywords=good+pictures
I was just about to mention that book ^^ (Good Pictures, Bad Pictures). Also – Theology of the Body for kids. My husband and I don’t even have kids yet, and we were both so wounded by the secular way of doing things, we constantly talk about how to handle this with (future, God-willing) our children. It’s not too soon. Most of the awkwardness is brought to the table by the parents’ perspective. Kids don’t always realize it’s awkward, they’re just curious. I think you’re on the right track. Gotta be pro-active and open so that kids will turn to you, not a search engine with their questions. Also, it’s important to mention if/when anyone falls, we have the confessional. I think it was Scott Hahn who said that they would find a priest for their kids to confess to, no questions asked, at any time if needed.
Another shout out to the book “Good Pictures, Bad Pictures.” Find it at your local Catholic bookstore or at Amazon. Great for children of all ages. My kids and I read through different sections as conversations arise. Covenant Eyes is a great tool, also.
Matt Fradd has a great podcast called Integrity Restored and one of the podcasts is on talking to your kids about porn (If you already said this in your post and I missed it, sorry!). Definitely worth a listen and the other episodes are great, too -Various issues related to sexual addiction and the porn industry, trafficking, etc. glad to hear all is going well as you begin to broach topics of sexuality with your kids!
You CAN shield your children from pornography to adulthood–I have. It means homeschooling and being labeled by outsiders (but even some in our own parish) as abusive parents for sheltering our children from the “real” world. So be it. We raise our children and homeschool them without access to the computer (except for word processing) until they are in 11th grade when, after completing a course I wrote called, “A Christian Student’s Course on the Computer”, they get an e-mail account to begin the process of college applications. Before that we have instructed them thoroughly on human sexuality. By the age of 17 our four children have evidenced enough maturity to responsibly use the computer and not be drawn in by pornography or any other of the evils that the internet portents. It can be done but you have to keep them out of the prevailing culture. If you send them into it, you are fighting a losing battle. If you send your children to any but the strictest of schools (i.r. those that don’t use the computer in education), you will have to fight this battle–totally agreed there. We chose not to fight the battle out there but raise our children at home to prepare them for fighting the battles in the world as adults. Children need to reach a certain level of maturity before they can grasp the meaning of the battle. Now they are ready and they are beautiful brilliant examples of God’s warriors in the world.