I think my daughters are beautiful. Last week I watched my oldest, Lucy (almost 3), tip toe across the studio of her third ballet class. (The class she’s been begging to take for months.) If ever my heart was in danger of bursting, it was that moment.
She didn’t even smile or acknowledge us when we walked in for parent observation day, she was too focused on keeping her hands firmly on her hips as she marched across the floor. And from her carefully pulled-back hair to the tips of her ballet shoes, she was just stunning.
My husband, Daniel, whispered to me, “She’s the youngest in the class, but she’s CLEARLY the best.” I grinned because I thought so, too. But also because as a former ballet teacher, I knew how ridiculous we were. I had inwardly chuckled at the parents of my former students as they proudly compared their little dancers. “Can’t you see that teaching 3-year-olds to dance is like herding cats?! No competition for Baryshnikov, yet,” I wanted to say. But I get it now. I get it. Because out of 12 beautiful little girls in the studio, only one was mine. Only one was my beloved and I couldn’t imagine anything better than her little determined face and the curve of her precious cheeks.
And see that’s the thing. I know Lucy. Her face is more familiar to me than my own. And I would change NOTHING about her. Not one eyelash. From her muscular little legs to her sweet round toddler tummy and her deep hazel eyes, I would be outraged at the idea that she should be any different. Because she’s perfect as she is. Each tiny feature is what makes her Lucy. And I love it all. I delight in her Lucy-ness. And it would pain me so much if she looked in the mirror and despised her reflection. If she wished any small part of herself away.
And it makes me wince to think of the world she will grow up in. The constant barrage of signals telling her she should conform to a virtual ideal of beauty, at all costs. That she’s not good enough. And that she should be ashamed because she never will be.
And y’all, I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it begin with five-year-old little girls. Every year, ballet costume measuring day was my least favorite teaching day of the year. I would take a measuring tape and write down what size costume each little dancer needed for the recital. It should have been easy. But it wasn’t. Because starting at age 5, they were anxious.
I would hear, “How much bigger am I than last year?” “I’m embarrassed because my tummy is so big.” “I need to go on a diet.” I would answer, “You’ve grown stronger and more beautiful than last year.” “Your tummy is exactly the beautiful tummy you should have.” “Little girls need to eat food that makes them healthy and strong. You don’t need a diet.”
FIVE YEAR OLDS. And as the dancers got older, I could see the anxiety follow them. Ballet culture has a terrible reputation for body image and eating disorders, but the studio were I taught was proactive about being nurturing and promoting healthy body image (and I am so proud of them for that). It wasn’t just the ballet mindset feeding this anxiety, it’s part of the psyche of our culture and our little ones are buying into it. And it breaks my heart.
So I would give the pep talk. That they are ALL different sizes with different bodies. And that God has made them all perfectly. That they are all beautiful, as dancers and as young women. But I would cry on my way home because I knew the damage was already being done and my five minute talk couldn’t overcome what was already taking it’s toll in their little hearts.
When I was overcome watching Lucy dance last week, I realized that this must be the way God sees us, through the eyes of love, a deeper love than I could ever have for my daughter. He made me. He made me Haley with the easily-sunburned Irish skin, wide feet, and short legs. He delights in my Haley-ness. And the stretch marks covering my middle? He loves those marks of motherhood. The motherhood that has uncovered more of the woman He wants me to be. No change would make me more beautiful to Him. That I would wish any of it away or see my reflection with dissatisfaction and regret must break his heart.
Would I want Lucy to look like the child model in a GAP advertisement? Heavens, no! Then she wouldn’t be LUCY. Would I want my husband to look like Idris Elba? No! It would take away from his Daniel-ness. But I struggle to be content with myself. Is it because I don’t truly understand that I am God’s beloved, just as little Lucy is mine?
To model the self-image I desire for my daughters (and son), a deep confidence that they are beautifully and wonderfully made and beloved by God, I cannot look in the mirror unsatisfied. I must rest in the assurance of God’s love for me–just as I am. All of my Haley-ness.
I’m not there yet, but I have two little girls and one little boy watching me everyday. And that is motivation enough.
Haley, this is beautiful- I loved it.
You absolutely nailed it with this post!! It saddens me that this is the society that our little ones are growing up in and that these negative self images begin at such a young age. But unfortunately it is and they do. You are once again correct! We MUST show our sons and daughters how precious they are no matter shape and size…and it begins with US!! I catch myself all the time looking in the mirror with disgust and then realize what I’m showing them and that it needs to change! I just love reading your posts…thank you again for such an insightful piece!
Love this post so much!! I struggle with body image a ton…I’ve written about it lot. And it’sso true…I think my children are perfect, yet I I’m so hard on myself. I had been doing much better until I read a blog post that unintentially just sent me into a spiral of depression and anxiety about my weight. It’s such a struggle to just accept ourselves the way we are when society tells us that we should ALWAYS be trying to change our appearing….losing weight, dying the gray away, fighting wrinkles and cellulite, it’s such a struggle.
Excellent Post! Good Job!
i just had a baby girl, after two boys, and i am terrified for so many reasons. this about nails it on the head, though: nothing i do as a mother will mean anything *real* to my children if i am not anchored in God’s love for me, me qua me.
YES! I loved every word of this- thank you.
Beautiful! I have a 14 year old ballerina who wears a size 2 & because she has a long torso she has a few medium leotards … It’s so hard to watch her face when a small is too small. And the intense comparison to every other dancer. . .I just pray, thank God for her strong faith & give thanks that we switched to a smaller Christian loving studio. The world is not kind to our girls – or boys but that is a whole other story.
So beautiful.
Love love love this!
So beautiful Haley!
I am a former ballet dancer who had (has?) her share of body image issues. My daughter is in ballet, but it is a constant internal battle over whether I am doing the right thing by encouraging an athletic activity that often comes with such a price.
Thank you for sharing this.
beautiful. inspiring and challenging for me, a mother of two young daughters.
Thanks Haley! I struggle the same way and I love how real and encouraging your post is. I always seem to remember that He loves my soil despite it’s blemishes but my body is another story. I wish they weren’t so separate in my mind and I certainly don’t want my daughters picking up that attitude! Thank you for the lovely post.
I feel like anything I say in response to this will sound trite, but this, my friend, was simply beautiful.
Beautiful post- definitely something I need to keep reminding myself of everyday.
“You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you, so wonderfully you made me; wonderful are your works!” – Psalm 139:13-14
So, so very good. God is really trying to speak to my heart about this. First, with the Dove commercial about the flaws daughters percieve from their mothers, and now this. Ooh it’s such a hard world. But I will fight that perception that we are never enough. My daughter is enough- every second of every day in her perfect Margaret-ness. 🙂
Thank you.
Beautifully written. I really loved your description of how we see our young ones is how God sees us. Not a new concept but one that needs to be thought of everyday. Thank you for this wonderful reminder.
Love this! With three daughters, I do worry about this. Comparison is such an evil trap, I pray they grow up without it.
I love this post. I think it is a reminder we need often!
Wow. This is a beautiful reflection.
It does start really early, doesn’t it? I remember having those exact same thoughts when I was in Kindergarten — over the fact that I needed the largest size shirt on my soccer team. (Because I was 4 inches taller than everyone else.)
Lovely, lovely post. And very needed on this day when I feel a little uncomfortable in my skin.
Thank you.
Thank you. Needed this today.
Haley, this is beautiful!
Well said! I had that same revelation when my daughter was born. I remember looking at her and realizing that she was so different from my son but that they were both perfect in their uniqueness. That’s when I realized that God loves us all the same way even though we are all different. He created us to be the way we are and it must make Him a bit sad to see us picking ourselves apart and hating the things He loves.
This brought tears to my eyes. I always wonder about the reasons for motherhood. Maybe, its not *just* to love others more, but to love ourselves more, as you said, by recognizing that God loves us with even more fervor and “belovedness” (I think I just made up a word 😉 ) than we could imagine to have for our precious little ones. Thank you for writing this– you have been an instrument for God as I think He’s been trying to tell me lately how much He really does love me. 🙂
I’m a brand new mom trying to accept my new body and this was just what I needed to read today. Thank you, Haley!
Thank you so much for this! I am currently pregnant with my first child, a girl. As I gain weight and my body expands it is hard to always look upon the changes as a beautiful thing and a sign of the life within me. I agree that a positive body image for our children starts with cultivating a positive body image for ourselves. I really appreciate this reminder because I don’t want my daughter to think she is anything less than perfect in God’s eyes!
So beautiful Haley!! I was in ballet til about 7 or 8 and I can totally relate to some of those sad things you overheard from students…I can remember hearing it and even feeling that way about myself.
Haley, you truly are an inspiration to women all over the place. I love reading through the comments on your posts to see all of the people you’ve inspired, influenced, and helped through your honesty and the way you try everyday to live for God.
Every time I read a post like this, I stow it away in a part of my heart where my desire to be a loving mother (when I’m given the opportunity one day) is the strongest. I think about it not only in relation to motherhood, but to myself too. To my sisters, my nieces, and even my own mother. You really help me to think and you inspire better living in my home. I’m so thankful to be a part of your readership, and I know God directed me to your blog a month after my conversion to the Catholic faith for all of these reasons. Thank you so much for writing – you have such an honest talent for it!
Oh! This makes me want to sob. So beautiful and true. My daughter is almost 6 and I don’t think she’s encountered any self-conscious issues yet … but I can imagine that it’s coming and that pains me. I’ve struggled with my weight always always, and I don’t want that to be her focus but I want her to be healthy, and, you know. It’s all hard. Thanks for a beautiful post.
Thank you for this post! It was absolutely perfect timing for me to read!
This is beautifully written, Haley. Something for me to ponder as I wait and wonder what my sweet baby will look like. Parenthood is really quite the vocation. Thank you for this post.
It is not just your Heavenly Father that loves all your Haley-ness. I do too.
Very interesting… maybe there’s something in the air around our neighborhood. I have had quite similar thoughts. I just finished a series all about body image. If you have time you should check it out! I’d love to hear your thoughts. And by the way, I was shocked to hear five year old girls are struggling with body image. That is a travesty!
Thank you for writing this, Haley.
There are nog enough descriptive ways go express how much I love this. Bless you; I wish I had your wisdom when I was your age…
Gosh, you are such a stunning writer!! <3 <3 <3
This was so beautiful!! I am so in awe about the things I learn about God by being a parent.
Wow… difficult subject matter. Yes, God sees us as beautiful no matter what! Simply because He made us the way we are. But God’s truth and the world’s truth are two very different things. There are people who, even though the way they were made is healthy, will never be considered beautiful by anyone in this world, in this life. I am one of those. Never have I been told that I was beautiful. I’ve heard the opposite. And when I see my features in my daughters, I cringe, not because I want them to look different for my sake, but because I wish I could save them the pain of what I went through (and what I go through).
But, my wise husband (and in case anyone wonders, no he does not say I’m beautiful… he loves me for other reasons and always has…) prompted me to look around at people who seem to have the ideal beauty or smarts or whatever, and ask myself, are they really happy?? All the time?? And if they are, is it because of fitting the ideal or for some other reason? In the end, we just want to be loved. That is why we want so badly to fit an ideal… we think that will automatically gain us the love of others. And so even though the world’s truth is true in the sense of preferences and cliques and such, it is NOT true when it comes to the heart of the matter. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and God is the only real beholder Who sees us inside and out… and when we love others as He loves us, we are beautiful no matter what we look like in this life. Check out Aunt Beast from “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L’Engle!
What a great post and great reminder! I’m loving the comments too! It is amazing how evil really distorts perspectives. Dancing should illustrate the strength, power, and beauty of the human body and yet so many dancers miss that and instead learn weakness, doubt, and inferiority.
Related, but unrelated, this article popped up in my FB feed right after yours, which I thought was an interesting coincidence. http://www.buzzfeed.com/kristinchirico/what-plus-size-clothes-actually-look-like-on-plus-size-women?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgp#.fg51jL4KxA
Oh my goodness this hits a chord. My second is 2 years old, and is begging me to take “ballerina classes”, and I plan to start her at 3 to the studio I was trained at. I am so excited to see her naturally take to ballet, and hope that she loves it as much as I do/did. But I very much worry about the body-image culture that I struggled with, that we all struggle with. It didn’t help that my mother constantly critiqued my appearance, and my talent (or lack thereof). I understand fully what an impact a mother’s words can have. But I will echo the words you have said to your students and now to your daughter about being perfectly beautiful the way God made them. I will show her that I am thankful for my own body, and everything it has been able to do. Thank you for writing this, and getting me all choked up.