I woke up this morning sick as a dog, so I thought I’d share a little something from the archives. Our 16-month-old is just now at the stage that these tips are applicable (she loves looking at pictures of babies in utero and hearing about her baby sister) and if I could add one more thing it would be to get your toddler a baby doll and engage them in lots of imaginative play: changing the baby’s diaper, feeding the baby, putting the baby to sleep, etc. Our toddler Lucy is just loving her baby doll these days and I think it will be a great toy to enjoy and pretend with once Baby Gwen arrives and I’m nursing, etc. -Haley
When we became pregnant with our second child, we were nervous about how our two-year-old son would react to having a new sibling. Our firstborn is a bit of a handful and is very intent on having everyone’s attention at all times. We were worried that having to share our attention with a new baby would cause him to resent his little sister. We were so wrong! He has been a spectacular big brother from day one. He calls her his “little sweetie pie,” delights in making her smile and laugh, and is very concerned when she is upset. He is constantly telling us how much he loves her and has never been anything but kind and gentle with her. Seeing their little friendship grow has truly been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Every child is different and will react differently to the realities of a new baby, but here’s a few things we’ve learned about preparing toddlers for the arrival of a new sibling:
1. Talk it up. Don’t let your toddler be surprised when you waltz home with a new sibling. Start talking about the new baby with your child at least as soon as you tell family and friends about your pregnancy. Your toddler will need several months to process this information about the upcoming changes.
2. Learn together. Read books about pregnancy and newborns and look at pictures of babies in utero to help your toddler visualize and understand what’s happening inside mama’s tummy. One very helpful thing I discovered during my last pregnancy was watching short videos about fetal development with my son using a pregnancy app on my phone. He was fascinated and wanted to see videos showing the development of his baby sister several times a day.
3. Imagine together. Help your toddler start imagining what his/her new sibling will be like and how life will change. Ask, “What color eyes do you think the new baby will have? What color hair? Do you think they’ll have brown eyes like you?”
4. Watch your words. Your toddler is very tuned in to your attitude and conversation about your baby. When you talk about your pregnancy and upcoming birth, be sure to emphasize how exciting, wonderful, and blessed it is to be receiving this gift of new life. If you focus on the inevitable difficulties, inconvenience, and stress of a new baby, your attitude won’t be lost on your toddler.
5. Give your toddler a role. OK, so we can all imagine how much “help” a toddler will be during the early weeks of your new baby’s life. However, it’s crucial to help your child see that rather than getting dethroned as the baby of the family, they are taking on a new, big, and very important role as a older sibling. If your child is dinosaur-obsessed, remind him that the new baby won’t know anything about dinosaurs and will need big brother to teach all he knows. If your child is a burgeoning ballerina, tell her how much fun it will be to teach her steps to the new baby. Explain what sort of things mama and daddy will need help with (fetching toys or diapers for baby), how the toddler will need to look out for the new baby, how special it will be to be a big brother or sister, and how the new baby will want to try to do everything their brother or sister does.
6. Tell them what to expect. Obviously, baby won’t be able to play legos with big brother or sister from day one. But if your toddler is expecting a playmate right off the bat, you’re setting him/her up for disappointment. Be sure to emphasize that when baby is born, “baby won’t know how to talk like you do. They won’t even know how to sit up! They will have to watch you and practice before they can walk and play with you…etc.” And it might be a good idea to mention that sometimes new babies cry, and that big brother or sister will have to be very patient and try to help the baby feel better.
7. Tell stories about your toddler. When you’re explaining about your upcoming birth, be sure to tell your toddler about the night he/she was born. Explain how excited you were to meet your baby. How precious and beautiful he/she looked at the first moment you held your new baby. My son loved hearing about how he didn’t like his first bath. He would ask me whether his baby sister was going to hate her first bath, too. Most toddlers are entranced by their own birth story. Telling them about their birth will remind them that their story is just as special as the new one unfolding.
8. Give them something to look forward to. We tried to build anticipation for the birth of our new baby by explaining to our toddler how he would get to have a slumber party at grandma’s house and watch a Pixar movie he’d been wanting to see. He was so excited about the prospect of the sleepover and movie watching that he would say to my tummy, “It’s time to come out, Lucy! I want to go to my special trip to Ooma’s house!”
9. Give presents from the new baby. When your toddler arrives on the scene (be it hospital, birth center, etc.), have a gift for him to open “from the baby.” Our newborn “gave” our toddler some toy trucks and a special “big brother” t-shirt. To this day he’ll say, “Lucy gave me this truck! Wasn’t that sweet of her?”
10. Give a little extra love. Be sure to spend a little extra time snuggling and encouraging your toddler. A big change is coming and a little extra love can’t hurt! Remind your child how much they are loved by mama and daddy…and how much the new baby will love them, too!
Did your older children have an easy transition to life with a new baby or a difficult one? What helped ease your child into the big changes of sharing the spotlight with a younger sibling?
My oldest is big on attention too. For a couple of months before her sister was born, I started giving her some time alone in her room, something we’d not done before, but that I anticipated I might need with the new baby. I also became a little slower to answer her requests, so she could learn that she would have to wait more frequently. I think it helped with those transitions that were sure to occur with a nursing baby. She adored her baby sister, at least most of the time!
I hope you feel better soon!
Good advice, Kristy!
These are all such good ideas! I laughed when I can to #9 because I remember my parents doing that when my little sister was born. I spent the whole day wondering how she got herself down to the gift shop without getting lost. To this day, she is a marvel.
Haha! Our son asked us, “How did she KNOW I love trucks so much?!”
One thing we did was NEVER say, “Don’t worry, Mommy and Daddy will still love you” or something equally awful. That way those doubts never entered our daughter’s mind. We also talked up how much the new baby (still in utero) loved her big sister. There was already a bond before the birth. The transition was super easy; we used many of your tricks above. 🙂
That’s a good point! No need to plant seeds for things that haven’t even occurred to them! And we talked about that, too. Our four-year-old is especially interested in how our baby in utero can now hear his voice and he loves to talk to her. Our 16 month old is really into patting my belly and saying, “hi, baby!” and kissing my tummy. So cute!
I am days away from having our third – my second will be 27 months when he is born. I feel like David (toddler) has NO IDEA that I am having a baby. It’s bizarre. His sister was the same age when he was born (26 months) and she definitely “got it.” I am baffled at how oblivious David is to my growing belly and our baby talk, even though we talk about the baby all the time! I have NO IDEA how he will react when the baby comes home. He is very verbal and intelligent so this has all been so strange for him.
My son seems to be ignoring it too and not wanting to talk about it at all.. hopefully not a bad sign.
I feel exactly the same way. My son is 26 months now and while he pats my belly and has noticed it is bigger, he also has started pulling up his daddy’s shirt and his nannies and patting their bellies too.
We have “big brother” books and talk about babies when we see them on tv, but I am afraid he has no clue or is ignoring it. He will be 29 months when the baby is born.
We did all of those, even #9! I had the all wrapped up in her diaper bag, and he was so excited to get a present from his baby sister
My son will be just shy of two years when our second baby comes. He just turned 18 months, and isn’t quite talking yet-besides baby chatter to himself. He’s fairly spoiled thanks to being my fiancé’s parents first grandchild, and I’m worried about how hes going to be with the new baby. He’s fairly well behaved at home, however we’ve been told that he tends to pick on the older girls he’s in daycare with (one is a few months older than him, the other is four years old). He’s pretty good with my niece and nephew, but he also doesn’t see them on a regular basis. I keep trying to tell him that he cant rough house with me like hes used to-it usually consists of sitting on my back or belly and jumping up and down- but we don’t treat him any differently otherwise. He really likes watching the development videos with my pregnancy app, but then again he just likes watching whatever I’m watching. If he cant verbalize what hes thinking or feeling, how can I help him understand whats going on, or that the baby cant play with him yet?
Hope some one offers you advice because I’m in a similar boat. My 15 month old is very smart but doesn’t quiet understand at all what’s about to happen in 3 months…I have been teaching her to be gentle with her baby dolls and teddies, basically playing house w her… She’s taken to that very well… Soothes her “babies” and stuff im hoping to transfer that behavior over to her baby sister… And make her a part of the caring for the baby… Other than that I’m clueless. My daughter is everyones world. Including mine… She’s rarely not attached to my hip… I just keep reminding myself how much my 1st slept at first…. I’m hoping that couple months will be enough cushion for me to gently impress on my princess… She’s now a queen. We have a new princess…it’ll click. A new human has arrived.
I feel the same way and my son is already 26 months and will be 29 months when the baby is born. He is just a rough and tumble boy and goes non-stop. I feel like I am going to have to stay on my toes. No laying the baby on a blanket on the floor like I did with my son.