I have a proposal. It’s about bringing NFP out of the shadows and into parish life. Because as young Catholic married folk, we need help.
We love and embrace the teachings of the Church on marriage, fertility, and openness to life. We desire to be faithful to these teachings by choosing not to contracept and acknowledging the truth that sex and babies are designed to go together. And we are grateful for Natural Family Planning to help us space those babies when finances and physical or mental health make spacing necessary.
But here’s the thing: to practice NFP, you have to learn NFP. And there’s plenty of us out there with no resources to do so.
Take my family for example. We converted two years after our marriage and fully embraced what the Church taught us about openness to life. We wanted to learn NFP, but no one local teaches it. We live in a city of close to 400,000 people. We have 4 parishes. So, it’s not a tiny town. And if you go to the diocesan web site, you can find a couple of contacts for NFP, but if you actually call the numbers, you’ll find out they don’t teach anymore because their certification has expired. There are exactly no resources for NFP. Exactly zero instructors.
Marriage, RCIA, baptism, and confirmation are all part of parish life. But NFP? You’re on your own! Here’s a number to call. Oh, they don’t teach NFP anymore? Well…..good luck figuring out those post partum cycles all by your lonesome.
Are we really surprised at how many Catholics end up contracepting?
Surely we can do better than leaving a segment of each parish without the support they need to follow Church teaching, right? Why can’t each diocese or a local lay ministry support at least one person to be trained in a method of NFP? Then that instructor, paid for their time by the diocese or lay organizations, can team up with Pre-Cana and RCIA to provide training for those couples being married or entering the Church as well as any other Catholic couple desiring to learn.
A friend of mine shared with me that the Knights of Columbus supported NFP instructors in her diocese by covering their training costs. Because of this support, there are several certified teachers available at her parish. That is so awesome!
And considering the costs, this kind of support is so necessary. In addition to the huge time commitment, becoming certified to teach NFP takes considerable funds. A friend of mine is facing $8,000 in expenses (training, travel, etc) to become a Creighton instructor. So, no wonder there aren’t certified instructors around every corner. Training for other methods of NFP may be less expensive, but still won’t be free.
And then there’s the expense for couples who want to be trained. With certification being so expensive, instructors need to charge for their time and expertise. While most couples I know are happy to pay for training, sometimes learning a method can be cost-prohibitive for young couples. And indeed, if you’re needing to postpone pregnancy due to financial crisis, it’s very likely you don’t have the money needed to be trained in NFP so that you can postpone pregnancy.
Since there were no instructors nearby, my husband and I learned Marquette method online, but the monitor costs almost $300 and the test sticks cost $50 a box which makes Marquette method out of reach for many couples.
If faithful families who understand and love what the Church teaches about sex and fertility find it difficult to live out those teachings, are we surprised that many couples find no resources available to help them and just opt to contracept instead? Because I’ll be honest. NFP can be difficult. And my heart’s desire is for young couples to be supported in the difficult road they are walking so that they can be faithful.
As it is, we’re putting couples in a very difficult situation when we explain that the only licit way to postpone pregnancy or space children is NFP and then neglect to offer the resources to actually learn NFP.
What if the Church could provide that training to couples who desire to embrace these truly good and beautiful teaches of the Church? What if NFP was brought out of the shadows and into parish life instead of being ignored because it’s difficult? What if we heard encouraging and supportive words from the pulpit about NFP so that we don’t feel like weirdos for following Church teaching? What if it was easy to find information on every diocesan web site and a real person to contact and talk to about learning NFP?
Well, I think it would be pretty awesome.
Wonderful post! I feel the same. When I first heard you cool Catholic ladies were on board with this wacky NFP thing, I started asking around locally as to where I could learn more and had the same experience. It’s very bizarre because in my opinion the philosophy surrounding NFP is capable of dispelling some negative stereotypes about the Church, particularly with regard to women.
Our local Catholic hospital teaches NFP. Have you checked hospitals?
I couldn’t agree more. We have been at the same parish for 17 years and I have never heard a homily about family planning or seen a class or talk about NFP in the bulletin. We had a ten minute presentation during our premarital classes by a couple with nine kids. That is the total sum of it. I love my church and faith but often wish they could be more supportive.
A-men, sista. Our diocese has one, maybe two teaching couples. There are at least 50 parishes in and around our city. I used to volunteer at a pregnancy help center and many women expressed an interest in NFP. I felt really silly having almost nowhere to direct them after I told them the awesome truth about sex, love, and babies, so my husband and I decided to get trained as instructors. We are working with Northwest family services (sympto-thermal method). I am excited to get started with this work when we return from teaching in China.
I am curious if anyone else has seen this phenomenon. There seem to be a few camps in our diocese, from smallest to largest: 1) those who use NFP. 2) those who think NFP should not be taught because it has a “contraceptive mentality.” 3) people who think NFP is a bunch of hokum and say, “I can’t take that kind of risk.”
Obviously, I wholly support camp #1. It just seems strange to me that we are facing opposition from within. How can we spread the good news if we fail to present a united front and don’t even support those who choose to be open to life?
Hope you all are having an amazing trip! Say hi to Kentucky for me 🙂
This is great food for thought. In addition to support for training, parishes need to provide childcare for classes and just generally offer more support for young families striving to be faithful to the Church. I can’t count the things we’ve missed at our parish because we were too strapped to pay a sitter for our young kids and our church didn’t offer anything to help. While we are a Pro-life people, we could do a lot to be pro-family within our communities.
Maybe you could work with the Confirmation teacher to arrange for free childcare at certain events. Our Confirmation students do this often for the service hours they are required to have. Another idea would be to contact a local Newman Center or the high school youth minister and see if there are any students who are willing to volunteer. I’ve also seen that be a successful route.
I completely agree but I want to point out that “there’s no such thing as a free lunch” and I think this issue goes deeper than just dioceses/parishes not wanting to provide NFP services. The money/time needs to come from somewhere and if it’s going to come from the diocese or parish, then we need Catholics to tithe and/or be willing to volunteer to teach NFP. I would propose that dioceses or parishes require NFP instruction to be part of marriage prep. In general, we are willing to spend so much money on elegant wedding receptions. Compared to the average amount spent on a wedding, the cost of learning NFP is a drop in the bucket. Of course there will be exceptions (such as couples that convert after they are married!) and for those the diocese could provide financial assistance as needed, to help them learn NFP. Then it goes back to an issue of the diocese having money… which they won’t have unless Catholics are giving to the Church! Compared to our Protestant brothers and sisters, I think Catholics, in general, are not well formed in the issues of stewardship and tithing. So again, I completely agree with you, but as a former NFP coordinator for a diocese and as a Creighton instructor, I can tell you that I think the issue is a lot deeper than just the diocese not wanting to provide NFP. The money or time has to come from somewhere. That’s my two cents! 🙂
If only we could all learn from each other. I feel like on the flip side, we Protestants are so uninformed about NFP. When I talk about our choice to always be open to life and practicing NFP (which, granted, is not even that often because it’s just not talked about as much in Protestant circles), I get the “you are the craziest person who ever walked” looks. LOL!
I am a certified instructor of our diocesan STM and OM methods. Our Archdiocese NFP office paid for my original training in another diocesan program. I teach as a volunteer, and our Archdiocese charges $75 per couple to take a class, and we can provide scholarships to folks who can’t afford that. Our NFP coordinator retired and the Archdiocese wouldn’t hire a part-time paid replacement, so now we have a volunteer coordinator who cannot provide training or change/update our program because the coordinator is not properly qualified to do so and shows an obvious bias toward one particular method of NFP instead of supporting all methods.
I was just certified in a 3rd method as an instructor and my training was paid for by a generous parish that has their own NFP program going. I volunteer teach for them as well ($75/per couple, with scholarships available). Once I pay back the cost of training I will keep some of the money after paying for class & method materials, my own continuing education training, babysitting for my kids while I teach, and advertising. I could make tens of dollars a year and I teach upwards of 20 couples a year in both group classes and private sessions. That is at least enough to buy our family’s zoo membership for those times when we are TTA and need to go do something to wear us all out so we are too tired to change our minds. 😉
I think that’d be a great idea! I think we need more priests preaching on the Church’s teaching on contraception and NFP. Please check out my latest post getting more priests to preach on this. http://www.catholicwifecatholiclife.com/why-havent-i-heard-this-before-asking-our-priests-to-preach-on-nfp/
Great article! One additional frustration I had is that the different methods basically have no knowledge of each other, so if you try one method and find it is not working for you, then you basically need to learn from scratch when you switch. Also, because of this, there is no one out there who can sit down with you and try to determine which method might work best for you before you jump in and spend several months trying to learn something that turns out not to work for you.
Love this post and mostly totally agree! However I think more of the issue is that the true Catholic teaching on contraception and sexuality needs to be more of a conversation and part of parish life. I agree wholeheartedly that the resources are limited, but more than that there is little support for those interested in or currently using NFP. I think parishes just need to be more vocal about the teaching and maybe have social groups/ support groups for non-contracepting /nfp-using women. These wouldn’t be costly and they could be mentioned during mass, announcements before or after mass, or in the bulletin. Women could get together and form a community to encourage each other and provide resources for learning NFP. Cost for official training can certainly be high but I think us women getting together and being a large presence can make such a difference too!
And while I am definitely in support of NFP, I do think that parishes would need to be careful that they don’t come across sounding like “hey, you can’t use artificial birth control but here’s free training on catholic-approved contraception”. While still better than the alternative, those who don’t truly understand the churches teaching could miss the point.
This is not just important in Catholic parishes! How I wish protestants pulpits had something to say to couples besides ‘get married young so you cut down on sexual temptation ‘…there’s so much more there! And if churches took time to educate, people wouldn’t be turning to the world and drs and the internet to discern what God has for them. They’d have trusted advisors at their church. I think churches have spent so much time becoming ‘culturally relevant’ and are missing what this generation really wants which is empowering and useful knowledge!
I absolutely agree with this. We’ve been unbelievably lucky in having long spaces of lactational amenorrhea (27 and 26 mos with our 2 kids so far in 7 years of marriage). Financial considerations have us using regular nfp for the first time, and while I’m fortunate to have super readable fertility signs, some training would be really helpful. I wanted to add as well that I think the whole presentation of nfp needs to change… I hear it presented at preCana as just this awesome marriage strengthening equivalent option to contracepting, and those sharing about it paint it with very rose colored glasses. I know couples who were utterly turned off from it after being told they wouldn’t need to abstain more than a max of 10 days per month… when they had a surprise conception after a lot more abstinence than they signed on for, that was it for them. No one seems to council couples that it isn’t as effortless as contraception, and that irregular cycles may very well mean a lot if abstinence. Instead, young couples have been somewhat victims of bait and switch advertising! That beino said, I think having a dedicated staff member in every diocese who teaches, can interpret charts, and can give a real picture to every couple (hopefully while even still engaged!) of their fertility picture and a clear road to using nfp would be a big improvement.
I agree but with an exception. Yes, it would be fabulous to have at least one person in each parish who can teach NFP or Marquette and be available for questions and support. However, incorporating it into Pre-Cana may not be the best idea. In theory, it makes sense (why not teach it just in case they need the knowledge later?), but I’ve seen it done in some parishes and here’s what happens. You’ve got two people who are still getting to know each other, bursting with romantic ideals, and (hopefully) just about to start an intimate relationship. You then put them in a room with lots of other couples and start talking about mucus, bodily secretions, temperature-taking and charts and it REALLY puts a damper on the whole “Pre Cana” time in their life. Furthermore, many young and zealous couples who gone through the classes before marriage immediately embark on their “NFP adventure” right from the start, without having seriously and prayerfully discerned if it’s even needed! Besides having a lack of available instructors, one of the most glaring problems at the parish level is lack of proper teaching from the pulpit or in RCIA about contraception itself, and which situations might warrant the use of an abstinence method.
A two-pronged approach would be ideal: solid catechesis first and foremost, and then an instructor available to teach couples one-on-one when a need for NFP arises. This “instructor” can take many different forms. It could be a mom in the parish who has lots of experience with NFP. It can be an actual paid teacher. In our parish, the priest lays the doctrinal foundation during pre-Cana and then provides the couple with support and answers if they decide NFP is needed at some point. If there are any questions he can’t answer, a local referral is given (i.e. a mom or official teaching couple).
Someone else mentioned money. That’s where volunteerism can help. And I’m feeling a little convicted myself right now. I myself would qualify as someone with many years of experience with NFP and Marquette, and could make myself available by phone or in person to couples in my parish who need help. It wouldn’t cost a dime.
Hmm, as someone who went through NFP classes while engaged, and whose parents have taught STM for our diocese for over 20 years, I found absolutely nothing “dampening” about the classes. From what my parents have observed of the now hundreds of couples they’ve taught, you get two basic types:
1) couples who are already committed to the Church’s teachings on sexuality and are very willing to learn, not just in case they should need to avoid OR achieve a pregnancy, but also because this is invaluable health knowledge about the woman and her body. (The “need” for NFP is…always. Not because it means you will be avoiding pregnancy, but because it means you have a solid understanding of your fertility, which you need whether you’re single, engaged, married, etc.)
2) couples who are only going to get their box ticked off, since many parishes here require NFP to get married in their church. They are already living together, already contracepting, and mostly will stay that way. They don’t give a rap, and zone out, so they’re not really “dampened” by it either. My parents have also come across couples who have had a change of heart, something that wouldn’t have happened if the pre-marriage NFP classes weren’t available or required!
So I would say it IS a good thing to have these classes very available before marriage. I cannot even imagine trying to figure out my cycles after marriage, with the added stress of having to abstain while a newlywed. We were both really glad we had the knowledge before our wedding. That knowledge also gave us the opportunity to prayerfully discern if we should or should not go for a honeymoon baby (which we did!), and had we not known I’d be ovulating during our honeymoon, I can only imagine the stress and confusion in our very young marriage.
I agree that solid catechesis is necessary, but a one-on-one approach is not always feasible, particularly when many NFP teachers are total volunteers (like my parents). The couples pay a small sum, but the teachers don’t get any of it. You do have access to one-on-one advice and consultation with your teachers in that model, but it would be really asking a lot of teachers to individually teach every couple who is engaged and wants (needs) to learn NFP. Like you said, having a variety of volunteers would also help, as long as they are actually trained in the method and/or have YEARS of experience.
Many couples join the church after marriage. You are right, trying to transition to NFP after marriage is really really challenging!
Honestly, my husband and I were really uncomfortable in the classes, and they were taught by a wonderful couple and we had a great group (i.e. Catholics who wanted to live their faith). I’ve had friends tell me the same, so I know I’m not alone. NFP teaching involves a lot of very private and “sensitive” information about a woman’s body, and about intimate behaviors between her husband and herself. I understand that many couples don’t have a problem with it, but many do. Discussing intimate sexual details while other husbands and wives are sitting right there in the room was torture for us!
I feel you. As a pretty private person, I also felt uncomfortable in my NFP class! We were fortunate enough to know the instructor, and asked if we could meet one on one, which she was fine with. I know this isn’t even an option for most people, especially when it can be challenging to even find a class, so I’m super grateful, but man, I wish it was an option for others who feel uncomfortable in a group setting.
I totally agree! I live right outside of Washington DC in the dioscese of Arlington, VA. My husband and I went through an extensive pre-cana program with a priest who is a friend of our family and works for the diocese. I let him know my strong feelings on the subject – as a cradle Catholic there is no reason that I should JUST be learning about NFP as a 28 year old engaged woman – we need to teach this to our young women and to make it about the miracle of understanding your body.
Since getting married last September I have felt totally alone in my learning and practice of NFP. None of my female friends in my parish practice – even after pre-cana. I actually found your blog because I was hopeless and hurting and looking for someone who understood what I was going through and trying to learn and manage. (My temperature doesn’t cooperate and I likely don’t ovulate every month so this has made for mostly days where my husband and I can’t be intimate with out the possibility of conception.)
It’s been really lonely above all else and I feel so strongly that the church and our parishes should celebrate NFP rather than shoving it under the rug and making it an isolated, obligatory function.
Maureen, I can really relate to your experience. The STM of NFP is difficult for women who do not fit into the textbook examples and I have felt frustrated trying to use it for several years. My body’s signs would keep my husband and I apart for 35-45 days using the STM. However, after the birth of my last child, I bought the Ovacue Fertility Monitor and it has finally set my mind at ease. Although it is not approved for NFP purposes, it can certainly give you the actual readings of your fertility cycle and will let you know at least 7 days in advance of ovulation or whether or not you’ve ovulated at all. It isn’t cheap ($300); However, I feel it is worth every penny spent. You can check out the website http://www.ovacue.com and wellnessmama.com has a good article about using it for NFP purposes.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!! I live in one of the largest cities in the US, and I don’t know ONE other couple who uses NFP. It was never mentioned in my RCIA class, and it was not a part or even MENTIONED in our marriage prep. We had to go to another church for training (Thank God it was available), totally of our own volition. I wrote about this frustration on my blog several times. YES, YES, YES!! Preach, sister.
This should be sent to parish priests everywhere, and maybe the heads of the NFP groups that train teachers.
So I have a question. Why is there not just a BOOK that has, like, a few of the most reliable NFP methods described step by step,such as Creighton and Billings. Something like “Taking Charge of Your Fertility.” I know, I know, everyone’s different, people’s charts need some interpreting, how do you explain mucus, blah blah. But it just seems SOOOOO easy to write a decent book and at least a good first step for couples. You could even have something like a national troubleshooting hotline or email chat for couples, where you could email in your charts, questions and then people could talk with you about them online?
I’m not Catholic so I have no incentive beyond convenience to use NFP, but I thought it could work for me and my husband given the regularity of my cycles and my difficulties with hormonal contraception. But wading through a bunch of super badly designed websites with 2 little kids was just beyond my mental headspace.
I found the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler really helpful when I got engaged and my husband and I were discussing family planning. It’s been several years since I read any of it or looked through it, and I loaned it out and have no idea where it is now, but that might be something you’d be interested in. (Or any other woman/couple who is overwhelmed by it all.)
Hi Hannah,
yeah I’ve read that one and even used it to make sure I was timing intercourse properly to conceive, but it’s mainly the symptothermal method, which is sort of a pain in the butt when you have kids and chaos reigning in your house, and it doesn’t work for everybody. I’m really hoping someone writes up the marquette method. I’ve tried reading their website numerous times and always get confused.
There is a book or at least there was at one time. When I got married 17 years ago, I self-taught myself with a home study book from the Couple to Couple League. I bet they still have something similar.
I have also thought about this a great deal and these are the reasons, in my opinion, why the teaching of NFP does not have more support; it is a ‘perfect storm’ situation. The Church is in a state of confusion, especially when it comes to marriage. I do not mean the Bride of Christ, but the physical Church as it exists in the world with human leaders who are struggling with their fallen natures in the crazy fallen world. First of all, the Church has always taught that marriage is about two people making a family, that is having children. Not having children that are properly spaced, but having children. The world says that marriage is a contractual agreement between two people who are seeking their own personal happiness and the opt-in position for marriage is no children unless both parties agree to have one, maybe two children. The Church’s position has always been that the Sacrament of Marriage is about two people exchanging the sacrament and cooperating with the graces to save their souls and bring new souls to Christ. The opt-in position is that we are open to children and set aside children when both parties agree there is serious reason at this time, and because of that serious reason at this time, they set aside their marital rights at fertile times. The Church never intended for a couple to live their whole married life using NFP – or the Catholic form of birth control. It was intended as a tool to be used when the situation warranted the need. Secondly, the public voice of most diocese do not teach this clearly. Pastors are not encouraging couples to be generous and have families of more than two children. They are not condemning contraception, or the contraceptive mentality from the pulpit. Their schools are not set up to support large Catholic families, etc. After all, what could be so bad about contraception? (This mentality also has a lot to do with a dirth of priests, but that is a post for another day.) If the chancery office just views NFP as the Catholic form of birth control, it accepts the contraceptive mentality in theory, then they are not highly motivated to make sure that Catholic couples use it. The mentality is what is killing the motivation. Thirdly, the teaching of any form of natural birth regulation is a highly personal discussion and it takes a special person to do it, much less do it in a public fashion. You do not want anyone using it a a forum for stand up comedy about Catholic marriage (I have seen this – gag), nor do you want some young couple who are drooling over how meaningful it makes their marriage with regard to communication (NFP teachers, or any teachers of a marriage class, should be married 25+ years IMHO to give the class depth and meaning), and it should not be taught by someone who is claiming ‘it is so easy’! (Technically speaking, maybe for you. In reality, we are meant to love and be loved, in all ways, and the need to refrain can put great strain on a marriage). So what we are really talking about is a renewal of the teaching about and discussion of the Sacrament of Marriage from the ground up. We need to pray for our bishops and encourage them in the job of passing on the faith in its entirety, with complete trust in the love and mercy of God. We need to pray for marriage and encourage couples to say family prayers, especially the Rosary, and to learn to be loving, thoughful, and kind to each other. We need to trust God in all things, and offer to let Him use us in His solutions.
Great points. Not having support from the very body telling us that NFP is the moral way to go is extremely discouraging. It makes me realize how lucky we are in my diocese: dozens of volunteer teachers (through CCL) and also lots of Creighton trained teachers too.
Absolutely agree!!! Couple to Couple League has recognized this issue and now offer virtual classes for couples. Check them out at ccli.org
Yes, but…
Generally I completely agree with your post – it would be wonderful to have free or low cost access to NFP training through our parishes – especially multiple options, as it is not one size fits all. Our diocese offers NFP classes, but they are still hard to track down – especially because our diocese is so geographically large that it is only practical to participate in local classes.
Here’s the “but”… I am concerned with this quote – “Marriage, RCIA, baptism, and confirmation are all part of parish life. But NFP? You’re on your own!”
As we both know, there is a huge difference between Marriage, RCIA, baptism, and confirmation and NFP. The first 4 are Sacraments (or a rite of preparation for sacraments.) NFP is not a sacrament and is not actually a requirement to be a faithful married Catholic.
While I love all the attention NFP is getting this week, the implication that NFP is a fundamental aspect of Catholic marriage as can be a little misleading. NFP is not “how Catholic couples need to have sex.” You can be a faithful practicing Catholic married couple and never ever use NFP. NFP is an option for couples who want to have some degree of control over their family size and spacing without violating Church teaching on contraception, but is not mandatory. The other, often overlooked, option is to not practice any form of birth control (NFP included).
In our current culture this is really scary for most people (it is for me!), but I think it still needs to be part of the conversation.
I agree that NFP should be part of a parish marriage ministry (if your parish is fortunate enough to have this ministry), but I also think it needs to be considered in context.
In re-reading my comment it seems really preachy. I’m sorry! I’m pretty confident that it was never your intention to compare NFP to the Sacraments, but I also think it is an important distinction that should be noted. Thank you for all your efforts to inform about NFP!
I totally get what you’re saying. I think there definitely IS an assumption that all faithful Catholic couples who want a healthy marriage will use NFP to avoid. I think that there needs to be a clearer message given that says, “Here are the tools. They just give you knowledge about your body and fertility. You DO NOT have to use this information in order to have a holy, happy marriage. You don’t ever need to look at a chart if you don’t want to. There will always be periodic abstinence just as a normal part of married life, but you don’t have to have planned/charted out abstinence in order to have the benefits that brings. And if you DO discern that you need to space or avoid another baby, then this is the moral and healthy way to do so.”
My parents always tell their NFP classes at the end, “I hope you really don’t ever need to use this info!” haha. Talk about not selling their product! 😉 But they really do mean that prolonged abstinence and continual avoidance of pregnancy (unless necessary) just isn’t the ideal and can cause real strain in your marriage. I am so glad I know (now two) methods of NFP, but I’m also SO glad for the times when we just throw out the charts. I used to think we HAD to practice NFP to be a “good” Catholic married couple, before I did more reading and research into the teachings. I think the literature emphasizes the “positive benefits” so heavily in order to encourage couples who are really struggling with it, but there are obviously tons of positive benefits to NOT using it when you don’t need to! 🙂
I think Haley meant that parishes ought to be making NFP much easier to access for couples so that they don’t feel frustrated and tempted to turn to contraception. But you’re right, NFP isn’t synonymous with the gravity of any sacraments or their prep. It’s just that in our current culture where contraception is the assumed norm, we need the alternative to be proclaimed all the louder.
wonder what you guys think of this:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/faithonthecouch/2014/07/there-is-no-such-thing-as-natural-family-planning/
i totally agree with him.
Thank you! Nicole, you summed up what I was trying to say perfectly. 🙂
This is so beautifully stated, Nicole! When my husband and I were engaged, we were blessed to attend a pre-Cana retreat that really did address Catholic teaching on sexuality, including a lot of talk about NFP. It was clear to us that most of the couples there had never heard anything negative about contraception, and I’d bet that a fair number of them were living together and/or contracepting at that point. NFP was enough of a “leap” for them at that point! But a few years into marriage now, I’m sad that there wasn’t anyone talking about what I consider to be the ideal “default” strategy with regards to fertility, which is – just love each other and accept your children as precious gifts! It is so freeing! Of course, I am not down on NFP and I think it is an amazing gift. My husband and I know two methods, which I am grateful for. But let’s not make it sound like this is the only or the best way.
What if NFP was thought of in a more holistic way, as part of every woman’s health education? I myself learned Creighton in college, long before I even met my husband, because my cycles were really crazy and I needed to understand what was going on. I would encourage every young woman to learn to read her body’s signs. (I mean, she doesn’t need a Marquette monitor, but you know.) It is helpful to learn these things prior to marriage, in my opinion.
We also need the bold and joyful witness of families who are open to life (using NFP or not. ) It is perhaps because so few couples really live this teaching that we don’t have more parish support.
I was so happy to read your comments, Nicole and Kelsey. While it is important to reach couples who would otherwise contracept, and teach them about NFP, I find that the benefits of NFP are often over-emphasized , and it is often discussed as if it should be the default in orthodox Catholic marriages. The truth is that NFP is hard, and when used long-term, it can put a strain on couples–even those who are committed to using it, and do not see contraception as an alternative. While we must support those couples who must use NFP because of difficult physical, mental, or financial situations, we should not neglect to spread the good news about the freedom that comes with living without NFP–spontaneously loving each other and welcoming new life as it comes. This is what God intended; NFP is for situations when things aren’t going well.
Like some of the other women in this thread, I was raised in a household that was very pro-NFP, and I was exposed to CCL materials from a very young age. I also had the impression that this was the default in Catholic marriages. It was only once I had children of my own and experienced serious, life-threatening pregnancy complications that I began to feel differently about NFP. As we struggle with NFP and try to discern the extent and nature of my health problems, I have been reflecting on the fact that I was once afraid that I would be burdened with more children than I could handle–and now, at 30, I’m afraid I’ll only have three. (Three children for which I am beyond grateful–I know that many struggle with infertility, which is a terrible cross.) I envy those who have no physical impediments to having more children, and I wish with all my heart that my husband and I could just forget about NFP and welcome children as they come. (Interestingly enough, my parents also wish they had been less reliant on NFP, and the illusion of “control,” and had more children.)
I think these three posts, by Kendra Tierney and Leila Lawler, have some great thoughts on some of the aspects of NFP that aren’t often considered. Though I’m grateful for NFP (given my difficult situation), it’s a delicate balance, and the benefits of NOT using it need to be considered, too.
http://www.catholicallyear.com/2013/05/why-i-dont-do-nfp.html
http://www.catholicallyear.com/2014/07/dear-newlywed-youre-probably-worried.html
http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2014/04/the-third-secret-to-destruction-proofing-your-family/
Right on- per the usual! Not only would this amazing for us Catholic parishioners, but the NFP classes could also be offered to the general public! We used a midwife center for our last birth and there was a huge interest in NFP among the other clients. It would be a great way to show people what the Church REALLY teaches about sex and procreation. It could also be a small revenue source for the parish-you could charge a small fee that could go into a savings account to pay for any further training or re-training for the parish’s NFP instructor.)
Thank you! Thank you for this post. So true. I have had the exact same thoughts for awhile. Both my husband and I are a young Catholic family with four children 3 and under who are trying to practice what the Church teaches and have felt very frustrated at the lack of support especially at the parish level regarding NFP. I have so enjoyed all of your NFP posts and appreciate that you are wiling to discuss this topic openly and honestly. I have felt that there are so many aspects about NFP (and especially the postpartum woman) that is kept secret. Why, I don’t know? NFP is expensive in so many ways. I’m just thinking of some of the related expenses we have spent in recent years….NFP class $170, thermometer $10, Postpartum NFP textbook $30, LH Surge test strips $25, Ovacue Fertility Monitor $300 (worth every penny) and of course children are expensive. I love what Nicole said in her comment “While we are a Pro-life people, we could do a lot to be pro-family within our communities.” More childcare options during church events or ministries helping families and encouraging large families. Maybe something like “moms morning out” where moms take turns watching the children while other moms run to the grocery store. I am a believer that when you are open to children, you are blessed with a way to take care of them and literally after each child, my husband has been blessed with a much higher paying job. We are extremely blessed and thankful for our family but more support from our Catholic “family” during an increasingly secularized and anti-Catholic society would be nice.
While it is true that there needs to be more support for teaching and practicing NFP at the parish level, it’s just another element of ‘family culture’ that would really be easiest if familiarity started in the home. I remember hanging out at the kitchen table as a kid reading CCL magazine while eating breakfast because it was just another normal part of life (and I think because of that, it wasn’t something that seemed ‘gross’ or ‘unnatural’ – or ‘easy!’). While there is a particular kind of support that couples need when/after they are married, parents are still the first educators of their children. Not that teens/younger kids should be introduced to NFP in the same way as engaged/married couples, but when it’s normalized in family culture, it is way less of a shock/learning curve as an adult. I imagine your own kids will benefit from you in this way 🙂 Of course, we need parish resources precisely because people don’t have this family culture, but I think that ultimately should be our goal, with parish programs being secondary.
We are very blessed in my hometown – with a good number of Couple-to-Couple League Teaching Couples and plenty of Creighton Model practitioners. Within the last few years (not positive when – but after we learned during our engagement), the Couple-to-Couple League started offering virtual classes… so options there are in person, virtual, or home study. And once you’ve paid for the class (roughly $150, which includes everything you need), you get membership in CCL, which entitles you to help with your charts – from a Teaching Couple or staff at the main office. (It’s a small annual fee to renew, and you also get a magazine that we always find interesting and helpful.) FYI, they also offer courses in Spanish.
Something else our diocese started doing a couple years ago was to have “NFP Liaisons” at as many parishes as possible. The Family Life Office passes us information to share – a bulletin announcement, something given to our priest, an NFP week poster, etc. Beyond that, we can do what we’d like with it. This year, we teamed with our Pro-Life Chairs and hosted an “NFP Brunch” last weekend after one of the masses. It was pretty easy to plan… and since it was our first one, the parish picked up the $200 tab for food. Any NFP user / supporter / interested party was welcome – we had 18 adults and 22 kids, I think. We ate, and then one family took the kids to play while our pastor talked a bit and then we had conversation starters. It was really nice to hear from other people who use NFP at our parish and talk about how we can be more proactive in sharing the blessing (and challenge, but one that’s worth it) NFP has been. We hope to do it again and build community.
And I’m still sitting here blown away that there was not a single teacher down there when you needed one. Wow. Guess there’s a good prayer intention – for an availability of NFP teachers!
Very true! My husband and I are devout Catholics but we used contraception the first two years of our marriage because we didn’t have the resources to do otherwise. Later, we took a class on the Creighton method and we use it now (though loosely because it is a lot of work). My sister is Catholic and I know she’s on the pill. I’ve tried to encourage her to try NFP or at least not use a chemical birth control (even condoms would be better for her health), but she doesn’t understand the Church’s teaching on it. Better education for all is essential!
Amen, Haley!!!!
Great post! Too many people, especially Catholics, either don’t know about NFP or think it is nonsense. I wish every woman was at least taught NFP, unfortunately it is typically viewed as not an option in the medical world.
See, I learned about Fertility Charting YEARS ago, before I ever learned about the Catholic church and NFP – and all from the website Fertility Friend. Granted, we were trying to conceive at the time, but still, I learned about temping and cervical mucus and opks and all the other ways of learning your cycle. And I did it all for FREE online.
I mean, yeah, Fertility Friend (which I guess technically teaches the Fertility Awareness Method, or FAM, since it’s ok with barrier methods during fertile days when you’re avoiding) is mostly for women trying to conceive, but I still feel like I got a very thorough education from it…and also from the other women on the message boards there.
I know a lot of Catholics say that you really need to have instructor training in church-sanctioned NFP, but I actually feel like it’s something that you can learn on your own. There’s several charting websites out there that will teach you how to chart. They aren’t Catholic, but they can work well with Catholic teaching if you don’t have any other option readily available.
NFP/FAM is actually starting to get a bit of serious notice in the secular world and it’d be kind of nice if Catholics branched out to the online charting websites (like Fertility Friend, and others) and really got to know other women there, especially to advocate the idea of “openness to life” which is of course missing from secular fertility charting methods – but I think that many women in these places would be very open to listening to these ideas.
I am in complete agreement! I am an American, a recent convert to the Church, and live in One-way. Not only are there zero resources here for NFP, but it is also impossible to find pro-life/NFP receptive doctors. (You might have heard about the hubbub that happened here last year when the Christian Democratic party wanted to allow doctors the right to reserve themselves from having to write referrals for women who wanted abortions, something they are currently obligated to do.) My only resource is Taking Charge of Your Fertility, no community, no courses. This is definitely something both the parishes and us members need to work together to build up GLOBALLY!
(And to be humble and patient with those currently using contraception because of lack of NFP resources)
I live in Norway, not one way 🙂
LOL! Thanks for clarifying because for the life of me I could not figure out where “One-way” was!!
I was actually wondering about this as I was walking into Mass this morning — how can we educate our families about NFP and our young women about how their bodies function so that as they mature they will understand the “signs” their bodies are giving them.
I think another point to remember is that NFP isn’t just all about avoiding/spacing pregnancies. As someone already pointed out, it’s an excellent means of understanding a woman’s health and body. By looking at my charts, I knew what was wrong with me before my doctor did. Second, this knowledge is vital for those who have trouble conceiving. When we started seeing an infertility specialist, I had to learn Creighton. We learned STM when we were engaged. The specific differences between the two methods made my head spin a little, but I can’t imagine what it would have been like to learn about NFP for the first time ever during that stressful season of life.
No, NFP is not the most important thing in life. No, we are not required to use it. But would it not be healthy and edifying if we would each do our small part in bringing this practice into the light? We can sit here all day and fuss over the details, but I wonder how many of these obstacles could be removed if each person in a parish simply did what they could to create a more NFP-friendly environment. Perhaps many of these details would work themselves out if we all shared whatever knowledge/support/encouragement, etc. we have.
That’s not to say that it will all suddenly be easy, but (correct me if I am wrong, Haley) I think the point Haley might be trying to make is that we need to foster community within our parishes. This happens to be a widely neglected aspect of parish life for various reasons. Perhaps this is a good time to simply ask ourselves, “How can I share my gifts, knowledge, and resources to create a stronger community?” It may sound simplistic, but maybe we need to start there and handle the details as they come.
This is something really interesting to think about. I live in WV, and our Diocese has made an effort to train couples to teach NFP, but we still only have 3 or 4 couples who do so through the Diocese. They paid for our training and we in turn volunteer our time to teach the classes. Couples who sign up can take the whole 3-class course for only $75 which isn’t an inconsequential amount, but it’s just enough to cover the materials we distribute: textbook, thermometer, charts, additional reading, etc. We really enjoy what we do, but I think the trouble is that the couples who are most likely to be teaching NFP are also the same demographic that are young married couple starting their families. So, it can be very taxing for us. And after the birth of our first son, we took a year off before we starting teaching again.
Another point that I’d like to bring up: availability of NFP teachers to some extent is a bit of a supply-demand issue. I don’t know if the demand for NFP classes is low or if couples do a little internet searching, find nothing, and don’t reach out to their parish or Diocese for more info. BUT, we on average have no more than 3 or 4 couples in our NFP classes. Now, this is WV and the population is smaller than many other places, but we’re the only teaching couple serving two 50,000-person towns and all the little towns in between them, and we struggle to have people sign up for the classes.
I don’t really know what the solution is, but from what we’ve experienced, I can say that teaching NFP has been great for our marriage and we’ve met a lot of wonderful couples. At the same time, I completely understand why each parish or Diocese doesn’t have more people teaching NFP because attendance for these classes isn’t always great. (And, we even have free child care available and allow babies and toddler to attend classes!)
For couples who are frustrated with the lack of classes in your area, I so so so recommend that you contact your parish AND your Diocese office of marriage and family life and let them know!
Our parish has one and it was such a blessing! We first heard about NFP during our Pre Cana retreat and instantly knew that’s what we wanted to go. We went to the training right away and were trained before we even got married this way we had the tools ready to go. It was amazing to have instructors to call anytime we had questions or who would even review our charts for us and be there to guide us. We have now moved from that parish and I’ve been toying with the idea of getting certified so that my husband and I can bring the gift of NFP to our new parish!
I am so glad to hear so many women interested in NFP. Please continue to share openly your acceptance of this way of understanding the meaning and purpose of sexuality. It is swimming upstream in today’s culture. You pose some great suggestions and I hope they can happen. In the meantime, Couple to Couple League has now released self-paced online classes too, and at a lower price, answering many of the obstacles young couples present – no time, no class nearby, too high cost… while still including the witness of a couple who has practiced NFP and some explanation of Theology of the Body. Our kids also grew up hearing about NFP as a normal part of life and were disappointed to find out that it was challenging to find peers who shared their understanding. There is also a meetup group in Cleveland Ohio to help these couples support each other. http://www.meetup.com/NEO-NFP. Start one in your town!
This! The NFP portion of our pre-cana weekend was AWFUL. Like, made me want to take alllll the birth control pills out of spite, awful. (The rest of the weekend was wonderful). And that was the first introduction I had to NFP in 25+ years of being Catholic. Luckily, a girl I’d gone to law school with randomly posted an article about NFP on facebook, and I made a comment on the article, and a nice lady said I could email her about NFP, then I wanted and found an instructor ~45 mins away in another state. Relatively happy with NFP now ~2.5 years after that mess at pre-cana/~2 years after starting to learn NFP. It should not be this way!
I’ve been using NFP for 7 years now, I am not Catholic, but I had a nasty reaction to hormonal birth control and had to find an alternative. It is shocking and saddening to me that there is not more awareness about NFP, both for those who are religious but also because all those hormones have such nasty side effects, more women need to know about this option!
Speaking for Couple to Couple League, while we think it best for most couples to learn NFP in a live onsite class with a local teaching couple, we know that isn’t an option for many people. This is why we began teaching live online several years ago, and then two years ago launched our Self-paced Online Class. These online options eliminate the need for local teachers, so there really is no need for someone to say they don’t have an option to learn. (Plus, we offer financial assistance for those who need it.) Yes, we can connect with couples through our Family Foundations magazine, our Facebook group, other social media, etc., but Haley is right — nothing beats having local support for living out these teachings. We’d love to have couples join us as either teaching couples or promoters! https://ccli.org/do-more/volunteer/
I realize this is an old post but it just came my way.
I am really excited about the possibilities to learn natural family planning. The Couple to Couple League teaches the Symto-thermal method and you can attend live in-person classes or live virtual classes online or self-paced online classes! As long as one can find access to internet or a local teaching couple there is a class for you! Many of the CCL teaching couples will also work with your situation. You can find all of this on ccli.org including searching for classes or teachers. There is a cost to cover materials and running the organization but aid is available for those in need. There is essentially no on going cost unless you decide to maintain membership or continue the subscription to the app.
AND the teachers are all volunteers and their training is given at no cost to them!
Spread the good news, tell your family, your pastors, go to ccli.org and share the blog.