Last week a friend confided to me that she wasn’t comfortable telling her young child that Santa was bringing presents on Christmas Eve. She recalled the confusion, outrage, and betrayal she felt as a child when she overheard the truth about Santa. Not wanting to repeat that experience for her child, she explained to friends and family that they would be skipping Santa. Her concerns were dismissed and she was accused of taking the magic out of childhood.
I think parents on both sides of the issue often feel attacked. If you don’t do Santa, you’re stealing precious memories from your child. If you do Santa, you’re lying to your kids. Either way someone is criticizing you. I’m not interested in criticizing anybody’s family traditions. But for those parents who don’t want to do the Santa thing, I hear you. And this is why I think your concerns are reasonable.
The other night I was desperately trying to understand why my son was so upset. It began as a pleasant bedtime conversation, but had turned into an attempt to console my sobbing five-year-old. I had been telling him a story about my grandfather and suddenly he had burst into tears.
“What’s the matter, buddy?”
“It’s not fair!” he managed to say through his sobs.
“What’s not fair?”
“That you got to meet your grandfather and I didn’t! It’s not fair that he died before I was born.”
“Well, sweetie, death is not the end. You know that. There is life in Heaven with Jesus.”
But he wasn’t comforted. In fact, he seemed more upset.
“Buddy….what is it?”
“I—I—I just don’t know if it’s true.”
“Heaven?”
“Yeah. I just–it’s so hard to believe that…I don’t think I can. I think–I think after we die–that’s just it. That’s just the end. There’s nothing after that.” It was clearly difficult for him to voice his fears out loud, but I could tell it made him feel better to confide what had been weighing on his little heart for who knows how long.
“And that makes you feel scared?”
He nodded his head and held on tight to me.
“Sweetie, we can know that Heaven is real because Jesus told us about it. He told us that he is there, preparing a place for us in Heaven. That He wants us to join him there. Forever.”
“But….what if it’s all a trick?”
“What if what’s all a trick?”
“The whole thing–Jesus–God–Heaven. All of it.”
I set him in my lap with my arms around him and Daniel and I talked about why we believe the Scriptures. How Jesus was a historical figure, not just a story. And we told him we were so glad that he asks questions. That he can ask us ANYTHING. To ask questions and think and even doubt…this is a good thing. We must question in order to know why we believe what we believe.
He started to breathe easier.
“You can always ask us questions, buddy. I will never tell you something that isn’t true. Mama and Daddy will always tell you the truth.”
He nestled his head in my shoulder and we talked about Heaven. About how it’s better than anything we could imagine. We talked about whether there might be unlimited LEGO sets in Heaven and whether he could have lunch there with his favorite saint Bl. Miguel Pro. That we really can’t even imagine what it will be like, but that we know it’s even better than unlimited LEGO sets. And eventually he fell asleep with a smile on his face.
But I needed a cup of tea. And after all the kids were asleep, Daniel and I talked about how we weren’t quite expecting those sorts of questions from our five-year-old. A ten-year-old, sure. But five?! But then again, this child has been surprising us since the day he was born.
And I thought about what I had said to him, “Mama and Daddy will always tell you the truth.” I meant that. We are always truthful with him. Always. Sometimes we tell him that he’ll need to wait a couple of years before he’s ready for the answers to certain questions. But we give him age appropriate answers about everything from sex to current events. And, controversially, we don’t “do” Santa.
Now there’s many ways to do Santa. Some parents choose the “neither confirm nor deny” approach–allowing their kids to believe what they will and participating to varying degrees. Others go to great lengths to convince their children that Santa visits theirs home every Christmas Eve–even when the child asks point blank about the plausibility of the tale.
We take the St. Nick approach. On December 6th we honor St. Nicholas–the historical Santa Claus. We read books about him, we go to Mass to celebrate his feast day, and our kids wake up to presents under the Christmas Tree followed by a big, special breakfast. They love it and we love telling them about the generous bishop who was so devoted to the truth that he was once kicked out of a Church council because he punched a heretic in the face. (It’s ok–he did apologize for his outburst.)
But although our kids have seen Christmas movies featuring Santa (Elf is a favorite around here) and pictures of him are everywhere in November and December–the modern Santa Claus has never been part of our family culture. St. Nicholas has always seemed like the holiday heavy hitter (pun intended) and we’ve never seen the need of adding another character to the Nativity. But our primary concern is the danger of losing credibility with our children by trying to reinforce as truth a tale they will later learn to be fantasy.
Although Santa was discussed playfully in my husband’s family, he was not a central figure of Christmas. I didn’t grow up with Santa at all, so trying to emphasize Santa in our family traditions feels forced to us.
My own mother had a crisis of faith as a young girl when she discovered the truth about Santa. Were stories about Jesus just as mythical? Could she trust her parents? While this kind of situation is often laughed off by proponents of the Santa myth, I take it seriously after hearing her experience and that of many friends who were devastated when they discovered their belief in Santa was unfounded. And after observing my five-year-old’s recent existential crisis, I think that for certain kids the danger of losing trust is very real.
Kids are different. No child is the same. This really comes to life whenever a second child is born into a family. Same parents–same parenting method, but night and day different. Our second-born Lucy has never been as emotionally intense and analytical as our oldest. I can imagine her enjoying Santa Claus as a little girl and slowly growing out of it gracefully. If you want to do Santa and believe your children will have no problem differentiating when they can believe the veracity of their parents’ words, perhaps your children are more of her temperament. You know them best. I have many friends who do Santa. They are awesome parents and they are intentional and thoughtful about how they handle Santa with their children.
But I know that if I try to convince my analytical, skeptical son that Santa Claus comes to our house once a year in a sleigh pulled by reindeer and that he can trust me when I tell him miraculous and mysterious truths about Christianity–we will have a crisis on our hands when he discovers the man in the red suit is mythical. You see, I need all the credibility I can get to explain that the God that created the universe was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit in the womb of a human girl–a virgin, no less, and born in a stable growing up to perform miracles like turning water into wine and was executed only to be resurrected. And that not only did these amazing things happen in the past, but every time we go to Mass, Jesus comes again to be close to us (us!) in the Blessed Sacrament and that the bread and wine we see is not merely bread and wine it is truly the Body and Blood of Our Savior.
If you think that’s not confusing for your child, I believe you. I defer to you as their parent because you know your child best. But please don’t tell me that it will not be confusing for MY child, because I know my child best.
Will my children who love to hear stories about goblins and hobbits and magical beasts even though they know they don’t technically exist in our world, have the magic of childhood stolen from them if they don’t believe that Santa brings presents? Knowing that balrogs don’t exist outside of Middle Earth doesn’t stop my five-year-old from drawing pictures of them all day long and researching all the details of their whips of fire in his Tolkien bestiaries. Telling him the truth about Santa has not dulled his sweet excitement and love of Christmas.
Teaching kids to believe in Santa will probably have no negative consequences whatsoever. They may look back on it with fond memories, not confusion, and lovingly pass the tradition on to their own children. It’s certainly that way for many families and having seen it go well for others, it’s a choice I respect. But Santa isn’t something every family has to do. It’s not what we chose for our family and as the big questions come up and my child’s trust means everything–I’m very, very glad.
Anne-Marie says
I’m notoriously terrible at keeping secrets, and neither my husband nor I have special memories of believing in Santa. I do remember asking my mom what Santa’s budget was: knowing what to expect was pretty important to me, I guess. I’ve always loved The Miracle on 34th St, but I won’t be waiting in line at Macy’s hoping to meet The Real Santa. You’re exactly right: it’s not about what other families do. It’s about what I’m comfortable doing and not doing. I love Christmas, and don’t want to feel awkward, so I’ve asked that no one tell my son that Santa is real, while anyone is welcome to talk about this bishop who was a pretty cool guy, by modern accounts. I just didn’t want to sit awkwardly to one side trying to nod about Santa’s visit, knowing that I ate the cookies…
Haley says
Love Miracle on 34th St, too! I think we might watch it with the kids this year. I told Benjamin the premise and it cracked him up.
Amber Johnson says
Thanks for sharing. What do you tell your kids to say when other kids talk about Santa? I’m afraid my 5 year old will exclaim, “He’s not real!” To anther child who believes…
Haley says
I have just explained (many times!) to them that other families have different traditions and some like to pretend in Santa Claus and that it can be really sad for those families to have that tradition spoiled and if another child asks them about Santa they should just say to ask their parents. They haven’t ruined Santa for anyone!
Elizabeth Joy says
Well written and well said.
Haley says
Thanks, EJ!
Kristina says
Yes. Just Yes.
I don’t think we articulated it as well as you did, but we treated Santa as fiction and St. Nicholas as the Saint who intercedes for us and we celebrate his devotion and his witness every December 6. It is nice to find a kindred spirit here. Advent Blessings to you and yours!
Annie says
This is very similar to our reasons for not doing santa either. I felt horribly betrayed by my parents, who instilled honesty about all else as a child once I discovered santa wasn’t real. Then, as I was older I had serious doubts about faith for several years post college. I don’t want my son to ever doubt we are telling him the truth.
Sarah says
Thanks for voicing the thoughts I had been having about this. I have read post by a few bloggers that I love and respect that defend their Santa traditions but I still have nagging doubts. I had a friend in college who had a similar crisis of faith because of Santa. When I met him he had returned to the faith but only after wandering through a period of deviance and drug use. He had a personality very similar to your Benjamin. It made me really question whether or not it was something I would do with my kids. My husband has a very analytical, skeptical personality as well, so I think when (Lord-willing) we have kids, we are going to err on the side of caution with Santa.
Molly says
I can completely appreciate this Haley. We “do” Santa – I did as a kid and had no issues without the grand reveal (I discovered the presents I got from Santa in my mom’s closet and was sad for a few days until I realized I was getting the presents anyways 😉 priorities right here) so it feels natural to us to continue it. To us it’s just a game of make believe us and our son isn’t so serious at such a young age so it works. (I feel like I should also add that I expect my kids to be like my husband and I have it figured out by around kindergarten/1st grade – age of reason time, so maybe only 3 Christmas worth of real Santa belief to begin with).
We’ve added St. Nicholas Day to our mix so that the transition might point back to God a bit easier and added in some “Santa” traditions that point back to Jesus – like emphasizing that Santa brings gifts to celebrate baby Jesus; he even sets up our Nativity scene by the stockings. But that all works for our kid, at this exact moment and we all have to do what works for our families.
You guys are doing a great job with Benjamin – those are some heavy questions for a five year old to handle.
Emily says
I have a similar perspective to yours, Molly. I learned the truth about Santa when I was 8 or 9, and although I was a bit sad that it just was a story, I was never angry at my parents for “lying” to me and never became confused about whether Christianity was true or not. I don’t know why it worked that way for me and was so much more traumatic for other kids. But based on my childhood experiences (and my husband’s), we are “doing” Santa while emphasizing the historical St. Nicholas and the real reason for Christmas. (We’re taking basically the same approach Kendra Tierney recently posted about.)
Erin says
I remember being about five and not getting to see my grandma in time to give her her present, so I put it out with the milk and cookies with a note asking Santa to deliver it. I called her first thing in the morning and was thrilled to learn that she had “received” it. Now, I was a very serious child, but even at the time I remember having a sense of, we’re all playing along but isn’t this fun? I don’t think I ever really, truly believed in Santa, and no one tried to make me, but maybe I was just going through a skeptical stage, because I also tried some Gideonesque testing God around the same age, and my parents definitely set me straight on “that’s not how God works.”
Molly says
Yep, I was definitely on the completely different end of the spectrum and have only learned in recent years that the Santa-reveal was so life changing for some people. Up until then I had heard of a few tears being shed, or maybe an angry pout…. but never knew that it had the possibility to affect people deeper. But maybe I was like you Erin and never really gave it my all to begin with?
Haley says
Thanks, Molly! And thanks for your feedback on the draft. Unbelievably helpful.
Steph says
Wow, Benjamin is so articulate and perceptive for his age. Sounds like he is going to grow into an amazing, passionate young man.
Thanks for this wonderful post! I love how you explain your approach without criticizing anyone else’s. One of the reasons I love reading you. 🙂
Haley says
It’s hard to get anything past him, that’s for sure! 😉 Thanks, Steph!
Amelia @ One Catholic Mama says
I totally agree with everything you wrote. And, I actually just blogged about this very same topic, TODAY., although I have a slightly different emphasis., I completely agree with you.
Also, when I was a kid and found out Santa wasn’t real, it didn’t make me doubt my faith or anything, But, I did struggle against the Santa Claus Theology of God (that God gives you what you pray for) when I have had prayers go unanswered (or at least not answered in the way I would like.
Amelia @ One Catholic Mama says
Here’s the link of my blog post on this topic. http://onecatholicmama.blogspot.com/2014/12/santa-claus-traditions-and-st-nick.html 🙂
Alethea says
Thank you so much for stating this so succinctly and fairly and honestly. I’ve been trying to formulate my reasons why I don’t want to do santa and why, while we’ll focus strongly on St. Nick through advent and christmas and especially on the 6th, I’m not just going to replace santa with him and claim st. Nicholas comes in the middle of the night to bring presents.
My sister, who is younger than me and without children lamented ” why can’t your children be normal?!” and I think it comes from a place where she has always been very touched by the magic and specialness of Christmas. So your coments on how your kids feel that all anyway as well as the point you made about the excitement over myth and fantasy are really helpful to me as I think of ways to process this and explain it to friends and family.
Thank you. So many of your posts do a great service like this.
And have a blessed and expectant advent
Haley says
It’s beautiful how children put magic into everything. Just TRY forgetting to light the Advent candles and sing our Advent song before dinner. They are so sweet.
Heather says
Thank you for putting into words exactly why we don’t emphasize Santa. We celebrate on Christmas with presents but don’t lie about who really brings presents. I don’t really know anyone else who does this in real life. Going this route was my husband’s doing but I am coming around but still have some guilt about not giving this”magical” part of childhood but love not having to lie to them. My husband remembered being devastated to find out Santa was made up. He immediately questioned, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, and Jesus. His parents lost credibility for him at that very moment and we don’t want to lose our credibility in the same way for our children . This is just part of how we do Christmas now but it was highlighted Just yesterday. I was working the breakfast with Santa event at our parish as a part of my obligatory serice for all school parents there and overheard some Santa talk among some of my 1st grade daugter’s classmates. They were debating the legitimacy of the Santa there. I can imagine if my daughter was there she would have proudly announced that Santa is actually based on st. Nick and that Santa didnt bring presents but rather Mommy and Daddy. I do worry about some trouble my outspoken 1st grader will or has caused when this comes up or if she will feel alienated from the other Santa believers and Elf in the shelf lovers (don’t get me started on E.O.T.S.). Anyway loved this post and somehow I only just recently found your blog and I am totally digging it. My pocket account is now packed with your stuff when I find time .
Haley says
Thanks, Heather! So far, Benjamin hasn’t ruined Santa for any other kids so….so far so good, haha.
Mary says
I love the conversation you had with your son. We have had many of the same over the years. I thinks it’s wonderful that you would honor your child in such a manner, respecting where he is in his faith journey. I think every family should do the same.
Well written piece my friend. Happy Advent!!
Haley says
Thank you, Mary, I really appreciate that!
Sara says
I grew up with Santa, but when I realized he wasn’t real, it was WAY more difficult for my Mom and sister to handle. I was the youngest, so once I believed, I guess the magic was gone!
I met my first “no-Santa” family when I was in junior high. At first I was incredulous, but after that I thought, “Well, who needs this Santa myth anyways?”. My husband on the other hand likes the Santa thing. We don’t have kids yet, but I think we will do what you and Daniel do… it is a nice compromise. Plus, viewing the commercial Santa (not St. Nick), as a fun but fictional character is still enchanting without being heartbreaking later on.
Haley says
Agreed! And I think kids can still really enjoy movies and songs about Santa without having to believe he’s the one that puts the presents under the tree. It IS a fun character to enjoy.
Carolyn says
word! *fistbump!* a lovely explanation, Haley. <3
Haley says
<3
Jen says
Very well said Haley! As a family we love Rudolph and Santa movies. We read Christmas books that oftentimes talk about him. We even meet Santa if we happen upon him at an old plantation down the street (you know the one). But we always make sure to tell our son that Santa isn’t really real. We are simply using our imaginations and pretending just like we do with pirates on the high seas and dinosaurs in our front yard jungle. It’s all an imaginary game. We do this for the very same reasons you were writing about. I think telling your children the truth is vitally important for oh so many reasons including having credibility when talking about the miraculous birth of Christ and the unbelievable (but wonderfully true) gift He has given us. I’m with you! Thanks for being bold and honest about such a touchy subject!
Haley says
Thanks, Jen! P.S. Lincoln was adorbs caroling the other night!
Erin says
Our oldest is 21 and when she was a baby we decided to not do Santa either for the same reason. My then 9yr old brother found out about Santa and said, “If mum and Dad lied about Santa, did they lie about God too?” Santa never left the ground after that. never regretted it. when our daughter was 11 we introduced St Nick, low key, happy event.
Abby says
We didn’t “do” Santa growing up. We knew our parents brought our presents, and while we knew of the existence of the character Santa in popular culture, we never believed he was real (or at least no more real than any other fictional character that still somehow “lives” for us). We’ve followed a similar pattern with our daughter; she knows that Mom and Dad provide the presents under the tree, though we do read books like The Night Before Christmas to her. This year we decided to celebrate St. Nicholas’s day, and put out shoes the night before. My daughter started asking questions about whether St. Nicholas was real or not, which led to a lovely conversation about Santa being a fun story, but St. Nicholas being a real person who lives in heaven and can intercede for us with Jesus. My daughter is the sensitive type, like your son, who analyzes and questions everything. As an aside, I can remember being greatly bothered from a young age, probably from at least 5 if not before, with the idea of death (and to this day, it still bothers me). It doesn’t surprise me that your son would have those fears – and he may well have deeper ones than he is even able to verbalize.
Haley says
Yes. I am glad he felt like he could share his fears and I pray he continues to do so.
Anna says
It was great to read your thoughts Haley. I love Saint Nick’s day. In college I used to put a basket of gifts out for my roommates in the morning. Of course they knew it wasn’t really from Saint Nicholas, but they didn’t know who it was from either. So that was fun.
I guess we’re kind of in the neither confirm nor deny camp. Last year my 4 year old asked my husband how St. Nick was going to get in. He told her that actually mom fills the shoes, but its fun to pretend its Saint Nick right? She paused for awhile, then said, Nooo, you’re being silly. Husband, “you think it’s really St. Nick?” Daughter, “yes.” Husband, “okay.” My 6 year old was in the room too and they both still insist that he comes on Dec 6. So I’m pretty confident that they want to believe it. But it seems reading Benjamin’s thoughts that you are making the right call for him.
Haley says
I like that, Anna. A friend of mine described it as “flitting between fantasy and reality” and how that’s a really special and enjoyable thing for lots of kids. So I totally get that it’s certainly not a negative things for the vast majority of kids. As you said, more an issue of knowing the specific child’s needs.
Jen @ Into Your Will says
So well written! We’ve been criticized for our choice of not doing Santa, and I wish I was as good as you as explaining reasons why we chose that for our family. But at least now I can share this blog post 😉
I also have to say how much I appreciate that you never sound condescending or judging or anything negative! Yours is easily one of my favorite blogs!
Haley says
Thanks, Jen! I really appreciate that!
Steph says
Such a well written post. The comments are all civil and raising excellent points of view too! A triumph for all:-)
Haley says
That is why I LOVE my readers so much. They can talk to each other! Disagree! And still be charitable. So much love in my heart for the Carrots combox 😉
Ashley says
We have St.Nicholas and Santa but my chickadees have never thought of him bringing the gifts or anything overall serious since we have so many other feasts going on during Advent. They stay pretty focused on the jesse tree (I swear we pull every ornament off every night to reposition) and our book basket which is mainly Saint/Jesus oriented.
I find it interesting that Santa has this cult folllowing. I never grew up with Santa as anything but a story. My mother loves magic and tales and would often tell us children vivid tales to help us cope with our situation. We were very poor and as Romani never really had a stable home so maybe my life experiences kept me from being devestated about something like Santa. It seems that perspective needs to be given to children. There’s Christmas “magic” whether gifts are there or not, whether santa is or not, whether or not you have a food.
Ashley says
I will say that my chickadees do love the concept of Santa and tell little fairy stories about him like Bella has this love of St. Nick taking her letters to infant Jesus on flying horses. But if you told her that horses don’t fly it would more upsetting than telling her Santa stays in heaven.
We also may just love telling stories which helps keep the emotional investment to a minimum….
Haley says
That is precious, Ashley!
Lisa Suit says
Oh Haley thank you for this, it was absolutely perfect! You said everything I feel but in a much more eloquent way! I didn’t grow up with Santa, and we’re not “doing” him with our children, either, for the same reason as y’all don’t! We get a lot of criticism about it; I think I will just start directing people to this post!
Lisa Suit says
After reading some other comments let me say-we do “pretend” Santa, like we watch the Santa Clause movies and cartoons with Santa and we have a few books, too. But our four year old knows it’s all for fun (our two and one year old’s are too little to care) and she knows that Saint Nicholas is a real person in Heaven with Jesus.
Rachel Rendall says
Haley, your kind spirit always impresses me. As we navigate how to approach the Santa/St Nick dilemma, I’m glad to have such a succinct point of view to reflect on
Tacy says
I loved this post from last year on this topic : Why I’m going to keep letting Santa and the Tooth Fairy ruin my life by Jennifer Fulfiller at ConversionDiary.com. I love your sentiments and I think it’s awesome that you’re family does it that way. I enjoyed the insight about your Mom’s crisis of faith. I think that’s really important for kids not to be “tricked” but I get into the spirit of the holiday season in our country similar to this post’s philosophy: http://www.conversiondiary.com/2013/12/why-im-going-to-keep-letting-santa-and-the-tooth-fairy-ruin-my-life.html
Haley says
I think that’s pretty key, Tacy. Will a particular child perceive it as “being tricked”? If so, then I think it’s important to tread carefully BUT not every child will feel that way. I remember reading Jen’s post last year and liking it 🙂
Pat says
Thank you for this lovely post! As always, you are thoughtful and diplomatic, without being wishy-washy! 🙂
We had a Santa tradition when my kids were small but, being pretty sharp, it didn’t take them long to discern we were playing make-believe–and they simply let me know privately that they were ‘in’ on it now and insisted on helping play Santa for the younger one(s)–and then, for other families that we’d “Secret Santa”! We carried on that tradition until everyone left home (sometimes we STILL do it, if they remember to bring their ‘beard hats’ when they visit–LOL!). For us, “Santa” was always a fun, wintry swirl of anonymous love & generosity, more so than a person.
I loved hearing about your family’s traditions, too. And, as you so eloquently expressed, each parent knows their own littles best, and each of us is responsible for the nurture and training of our own precious brood. I so appreciate your open and accepting attitude, as well as the firmness of your faith!
Christmas Blessings!
Pat
megan embry says
With you here. And, childhood IS magic. Adults don’t have to generate the magic for their kids. I’m sure the inside of Benjamin’s head is totally enchanted, Santa or no Santa.
Haley says
I’m pretty sure you’re right, Meg 😉
Marta Pisco says
Dear Haley,
I have the same questions happening here at home too… We live in Holland and last weekend we celebrated Sinterklaas (Saint Nicholas) big time. (Still recuperating from it…! ) I had a similar discussion about Sinterklaas last week, where I confused my 6 year old boy with “yes, he was a bishop, when he was alive” “is he NOT alive?”, “ah, of course he is alive, I meant, hum…” to what my son concluded “ah, I know, he is a zombie!”
So there you go. What I get from lying! Now Sinterklaas is a zombie…! Afterwards I explained that when people become saints they live forever, but I am not sure I was on time…!
Sinterklaas is indeed a much nicer tradition than Santa, I learned about it when I came to live in Amsterdam. But I grew up with Santa in Portugal, my parents were not into Catholicism – and someone had to bring the presents… My parents did great things, like turning out the lights, and ringing bells, and leaving the presents on the balcony (we lived on the 8th floor, no way presents would be coming down a chimney…) I remember disappointment when I found out that he was a lie. But my mother told me what it also meant to find it out: I could now play Santa, and keep the fantasy for my siblings, and actually help my parents. I felt proud, and I played along still for a few years.
I also find it weird that baby Jesus brings the presents. Many people in Cristian homes do it that way. But at least it’s less confusing, less characters in the same story… You know what’s the best? The way they do it in Spain: kids get presents when Jesus got his, on the 6th of January, the day of the Three Kings.
Thank you for this post. I am not raising my children in any religion, just teaching them about Christian traditions. The issue of truth is indeed important, I will definitely think about it better.
Have a great time, enjoy this beautiful season, and speak to you soon!
Marta
Haley says
I like the Epiphany idea and now I’m not going to be able to think of St. Nicholas without remembering the St. Nick zombie, haha
Mary says
Thank you so much for posting this, Haley! My husband and I have had a lot of discussions lately about Christmas traditions (I’m 33 weeks pregnant with our first :o) ) and decided that we just don’t feel right about doing Santa with our kiddos. It was so reassuring to read your post when our culture makes me feel like a crazy person for not wanting to do Santa, haha.
Kate says
This was such a thoughtful post! I appreciated hearing the “other” perspective, since I grew up in a Santa family. I just wonder, though, how kids who grow up without Santa will handle it when they talk with other kids who grow up believing in Santa. I remember in second or third grade (at a Catholic school), our whole class got in a HUGE fight about whether Santa was real, and it was really hurtful for those of us who did still believe in Santa to hear that we were stupid for believing in someone who was not real. I’m definitely not saying that all kids who grow up without Santa would be mean about it, but I just don’t want the magic stricken from someone else’s life unnecessarily, you know?
Haley says
We’ve just told Benjamin to not discuss Santa around other kids and that if he’s asked point blank, he should just tell them that’s something their parents can answer. So far it hasn’t been a problem, but his cousin doesn’t do Santa and neither do most of our close friends, so it hasn’t come up much!
Elizabeth says
I explained to my children that Santa is a game that some families like to play, and that they should definitely not spoil it for their friends and their friends’ parents. I’m sorry that you were hurt by children whose parents didn’t think to impart that bit of wisdom in time. Children have such a black-and-white perspective of the world, it takes a while to learn (and some never do) that not every perceived error must be immediately and loudly corrected. I’m working on this with my (super literal and analytical) ten-year-old right now.
Anne says
I hope I don’t sound like a humbug here, by why do so many people feel there has to be “magic” at Christmas? It’s a religious feast day, like Easter, and amazing in its own right (the God of the universe coming to Earth as a helpless baby??). There isn’t any magic, there are miracles. It just annoys me, I guess, when people lament that when you take Santa out of Christmas, some of the “magic” is gone for children.
Don’t get me wrong. Magical stories are wonderful, like the LOTR series you mentioned, Haley. But at Christmas? Since when did IT need to be magical?
Elizabeth says
I’ve actually never thought of this. But now that you’ve pointed it out, that does seem a bit odd. And I have to agree with you. There are so many other ways to enjoy magic and fantasy (children do all the time), that it’s odd it has come to be so tied to Christmas, specifically, when it’s really not related at all. Hmmm… interesting.
Molly says
I think sometimes we get too puritanical about using the word magic.
To be super technical, when I say the “magic of the season” I’m not talking about the first couple definitions of the word that has to do with spells or illusions, but rather one of the later definitions “any extraordinary or mystical influence, charm, power, etc.:”; mystical means something spiritually symbolic so in my mind saying the “magic of the season” is saying the “Extraordinary, spiritually symbolic influence, power, etc. of the season”.
When I was a young child I did not grasp the true significance of the holiday, but the little things that made up the “magic” of the season helped to convey that extraordinary, spiritually symbolic power in a way I could understand – songs, Christmas trees, special traditions, etc. helped to convey that significance in a way I could grasp until I was older and could understand what exactly the importance of that baby in manger was.
Molly says
p.s. I will agree that it’s not just Christmas or Easter that should be “magical” (by my definition of spiritual significant) – just going to Mass should be “magical”, praying should be “magical”, charity should be “magical”. Perhaps it’s not so much that Christmas and Easter shouldn’t be seen that way, but that we should be putting that emphasis on more aspects of the way we celebrate and act out our faith.
Elizabeth says
I respect both decisions, and I would certainly not try to change a family’s tradition. You know your family best, and you know what is best for them. I am a little concerned over the heavy emphasis on needing credibility, not just in this blog, but in most anti-Santa justifications. I am all about credibility with your kids so, hopefully, only being halfway through my cup of coffee, I will make sense.
It is true that our children’s faith hinges very much on our word, as parents, at certain stages. But in the Santa debate, I fear we take ourselves, as parents, too seriously, not just in Santa, but in life in general. I don’t want to minimize parenting — We are the primary educators of our children, and stable, faithful, honest parents have eternal consequences undoubtedly. But so many of us fool ourselves into thinking our children’s faith hinges on our credibility. We think we have to be so strong, so researched, so error-proof, and so full of answers. If your child is a deep thinker, he will discover himself that you are not “credible” (Santa or not), and he will have his “dark night of the soul”. Because you are human, and it is healthy and good at some point for him to realize that you can be in error, you can be tricked, and you don’t have all the answers.
Let me explain a little — I have very intelligent parents. My dad’s intellect was the primary force behind bringing me to the faith. I love the intellectual side of Catholicism, and I trusted my dad’s intellect and the great minds of the Church SO much that this sustained me through my 20’s. But I did recently have a bit of a dark night…a sudden questioning of the entire existence of God. I realized that…despite the rock of my mother and father, they were so very fragile and human. They had been deceived in their lives on many things. They sometimes trust too much. They sometimes don’t have the answers. They sometimes are flat-out wrong — And THAT threw me into crisis. I had TOO much of a crutch on my highly intellectual and credible parents. If THESE people — my own parents — could be wrong and deceived and mistaken about things in life (not the Church, but other things), if they could justify things in their brains that weren’t justifiable….then maybe they hadn’t fully thought through the faith either. And, most importantly, maybe the faith requires a little….faith, hence the mysteries.
I am still Catholic. I still believe in the existence of God, but I had to search and pray and cry over it. I’ve gotten to the point where I realize this is my journey alone. My parents are wonderful supporters, but my faith cannot rely on their credibility, as credible as they are. Haley, your blog…It just hits a whisper of a nerve for me when I read you hanging onto your credibility so tightly. When I see you trying to “convince” your son of Christianity. At his age, you are doing a great job. You know what he needs. But, as he grows, do not take your role as seriously. He will see your anxiety, and that alone can cause trouble. And he will discover that his faith must be explored for himself and be his alone at some point…that you, in all your faithfulness and credibility, could be wrong anyway.
This may sound contradictory here, but I honestly think the Santa from my childhood helped me grow in faith as an adult. Whenever I think of Heaven, I remember that it is better than the anticipation of Santa as a child. Christ has replaced Santa, but Santa made the room ready for him….It’s an irreplaceable part of my faith, after all the intellect and research and apologetics have faded away for the evening. Credibility, intellect, history, apologetics — They must be anchored by beauty, wonder, imagination, sheer joy….gifts God gave us — for us to even begin to glimpse or understand eternity. The big questions hinge on these alongside reason.
I don’t write all this to suggest that Santa alone is the key or that you should throw out all effort with your kids :). On the contrary. But moms and dads…don’t take on the heavy burden of always trying to be credible and right in an effort to carry your child’s faith. Remember that there are many components to faith, and your child will eventually see you for the flawed and limited human being that you are. And that’s okay. Your child is smart enough to get the nuances, and they will love you all the more.
Haley says
Hi Elizabeth! It’s a long comment so I’ll just hit some high points here.
“But so many of us fool ourselves into thinking our children’s faith hinges on our credibility. We think we have to be so strong, so researched, so error-proof, and so full of answers. If your child is a deep thinker, he will discover himself that you are not “credible” (Santa or not), and he will have his “dark night of the soul”. Because you are human, and it is healthy and good at some point for him to realize that you can be in error, you can be tricked, and you don’t have all the answers.”
Regarding the above, I totally agree. Our children have to know that we are flawed (and this is revealed every time I get corrected about important Star Wars trivia…mom doesn’t have all the answers.) But especially with young children, I think it’s vital to be a trustworthy authority–not that we will always be right, but that we will always tell our children what we believe to be true. If we have a child that would perceive Santa–what would be an imaginative delight for many kids–as a betrayal or breach of trust, then I take that seriously. My kids shouldn’t think I am never wrong–but it’s very important to me that they don’t think I would intentionally mislead them (again, many kids wouldn’t feel that way about Santa, but I’ll have to ask you to trust me on knowing how my eldest child would react.)
And I have to say I take issue with what you said about “trying to convince my child” of the truths of Christianity. If you read over the post, you will see that we allowed him to ask some questions. That we answered those questions. And that we explained why we believe what we believe–because for an analytical child, knowing the WHY is so important to him. He was deeply distressed. We were able to relieve his fears by helping him understand our faith. I’m sorry, but I really don’t see anything wrong with that. In fact, I look back on that evening as one of the times we really did things right. (Certainly not how I feel about every interaction with my kids, but I am confident about that one.)
“Credibility, intellect, history, apologetics — They must be anchored by beauty, wonder, imagination, sheer joy….gifts God gave us — for us to even begin to glimpse or understand eternity. The big questions hinge on these alongside reason.”
Absolutely. But I really don’t see how not participating in modern Santa takes any of those gifts away. My kids squeal with glee to celebrate St. Nicholas Day. They jump up and down to go to Christmas Mass. Since Santa was not an important part of my childhood or my husbands, attempting to fabricate that family tradition in our home just doesn’t feel right. As I explained, I have no problem with other folks doing Santa. But I believe that what we’re doing is what is right for our family which is what this post was about. And I don’t think that being intentional in our parents means that we’re taking ourselves too seriously.
Elizabeth says
I apologize again for the long comment — I said I think you are doing a great job and that you know what is best for your son. So no need to convince me there :). We SHOULD answer their questions. We should be there for them. And I think what you did was very age appropriate. I am more looking at things down the line and how our focus can play out. I guess this line below disturbed me in the sense that it is so very serious and hinges the entire faith on your credibility with your child.
“You see, I need all the credibility I can get to explain that the God that created the universe was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit in the womb of a human girl–a virgin, no less, and born in a stable growing up to perform miracles like turning water into wine and was executed only to be resurrected…”
At age 5, I think that’s fine. But down the line, your child will realize your human frailty, and the focus must shift away from your credibility, even if it is admirable. This is actually where childhood fantasy and wonder can actually help, even if that seems contradictory.
Anyway, I’m not trying to do a Santa debate. I don’t think families must do Santa, and I think you are doing a great job. I just see parents hanging on too tightly a lot…worrying too much…being too scientific (and this comes from a woman with a geology degree married to a geologist and lawyer)….playing into our current cultural worship of science, realism, hard truths, and explanations. This “scientific” mentality can be as cultural as Santa and even more deceptive, but I don’t want to make my comment even longer :). Again, I am all about conveying Truth, but that conveyance can be done in many ways and can be even stronger in the end than a parent’s credibility when that ultimately must give way as a child matures! But like I said, you know YOUR son, and I respect your approach with him. Not trying to change it!
Elizabeth says
In reading all the Santa debates, I see a focus on parental credibility portrayed as an enduring thing and childhood wonder and fantasy portrayed as a fleeting, fading thing, and thus credibility is given the weight of importance. I actually perceive reality to be quite the opposite — Our human frailty limits credibility ultimately and must actually be cast aside a bit when growing into faith, while childhood wonder can actually endure and bolster our faith as adults. Okay, I am writing far too much in your combox — just trying to explain myself and let you know that I do not mean to offend!
Erin says
I really loved some of Haley’s points, and I feel for her because I have a son who is also in the analytical and rather serious realm of personalities. It is tough when your kids ask you questions like the ones you mentioned and you just have to do your best at the time. I think you sound like you’re doing a great job with a pretty precocious five year old Haley! I also think Elizabeth has a good point, which is that we are NOT always credible to our kids. It is an impossibility. And while I completely agree with Haley’s decision to forgo Santa for her family, I think not forgoing Santa would be fine too. Eventually, all of our children are going to have to choose their faith for themselves. I hope I’m not supposing too much, but perhaps because Haley is a convert and the first in line to pass down her specific faith she feels this more acutely? I come from a long line of Catholics and the bottom line is that some are Catholic and some are not and we choose this. Parents can do a wonderfully awesome job at everything faith related and children can still reject the faith, that’s just how it works. We just have to the best we can.
Mary @ Better Than Eden says
We do exactly the same thing and I’m so glad we’ve chosen to do it this way. I appreciate you taking the time to reason it out here. For us, we don’t feel the need to add any more “magic” to Christmas than the fact that the infinite God became a helpless newborn baby born to a Virgin in the most unsuspecting way possible 🙂 That’s “magic” enough, I think. We do plenty of special things and have wonderful traditions that are so important to us but the risk (and distraction) I see from the Santa thing for us is just not worth it. We did it as children and there were no crises of faith at the moment of learning the truth of Santa BUT I think it did help to foster an element of suspicion for all things supernatural in both of us.
I’m curious how you would relate your reasoning for this family decision to the whole Harry Potter debate (not that we need to double up on the controversial topics at the moment, ha!). I know you are big into HP but for us some of that “Is that (albeit possibly small) risk worth it for the possible (and I think easily replaceable) benefit?” For us, it’s a no. Not something I’m asking you to discuss here but one of those things I’d love to chat over coffee about!
Elizabeth says
And I guess part of my point is this also — When a child, grown or little, can see that their parents are not anxious and can enjoy the lighter parts of their faith and this world, that often acts as another anchor in the faith. It seems contradictory, but if you can do things like Santa (but not necessarily Santa), a child often understands this as a sign of confidence in your faith, in reason, joy and lightheartedness that do not threaten truth, but can add to it when done well. If you seem anxious or feel threatened by any of this, that can contribute some to a child’s doubt; for if their parent is anxious over such small things, then is our faith so fragile?
Sorry for the long musings…I see your son is a questioner, analyzer, and intellectual type…Be prepared for this stuff :). He will, at some point, need to see that you don’t take yourself too seriously.
Kristy says
I’m glad that God granted you the wisdom to know what your family needed!
I have always been very careful not to say anything about Santa. When my oldest asked if he was real, I took her out for hot chocolate and we had a little talk. I asked her about St. Nicholas, She knew he was a real person, so we talked about how he couldn’t really be giving those gifts now. When she asked why I had lied to her, I had her think back. I’d never been the one to talk about him. We did the same with our second daughter, and will with the next two as well. It felt like a good compromise, since my husband’s family still gives him presents marked from ‘S. Claus’ and made up a birthday squirrel to bring him his presents at his birthday.
Jenny says
I was hesitating when I clicked (but I should have known better because it’s YOU) just because we’re so pro Santa…but you did a beautiful job explaining your family’s tradition.
Isn’t it such a relief that all the million and one small parenting decisions we have to make each day are left, in God’s wisdom, up to the parents as the primary educators of their particular children. You did a GREAT job with this piece Haley.
(And this is a fantastic example of why not every.single.parenting option has spiritual/moral/religious significance. I mean, outside the obvious that everything we do affects the whole person. But you know what I mean. You can be a good Christian-Catholic parent even when you don’t ____ with/at/to your kids.)
Adrie | A Little Wife's Happy Life says
We don’t have children yet (pray for me! =) ), but I’m really not sure what we’ll do about the whole Santa thing. Both of our families- mine and my husband’s- grew up with the Santa tradition- mine more than his… but I feel myself leaning away from it.
The issue, I think, would be that our extended families “do Santa,” so there would be lots of “Going to meet Santa” and “What do you want Santa to bring?” conversations… anybody dealing with that? How do you do it?
Kaitlin @ More Like Mary says
Boo! Hiss!!! 😉
I have two thoughts. 1) Knowing Benjamin and what kind of kid he is, I have to say that it is a WONDERFUL idea for you not pretend that Santa is real. He would never buy it and it would just lead you down endless rabbit holes of making up answers to questions. He would have been skeptically quizzing you about not having a chimney at age two!
2) Even if all your kids has Lucy’s personality, I doubt you guys would “do” Santa. Having not grown up with it, it just wouldn’t come very naturally to you. And I think a huge part of parenting is sticking with what comes naturally. It’s the times I try to go against my gut and do something I’m “supposed” to do that I get into trouble. When I trust my mama instincts, everyone is the better for it.
Wonderful post. Charitable as always. So proud to call you friend.
Jeni says
I think maybe the trick is to never stop believing in Santa. Or fairies. Or magic. I still believe. Honest to God if all is required to move mountains is the faith the size of a mustard seed, and knowing that the faith of children is all so strong and precious, I do believe in Santa. Physically. How could he not exist? He doesn’t pay for the gifts under the tree but his mystical presence perpetuates the love and glory of the season. And no I don’t believe it trumps Jesus. I think of course it can. And the spending can. But in homes like mine, he’ll live on as long as there is childlike faith.
Courtney says
As an adult who also still believes in “Santa Claus” as a symbol if not a real person, my favorite…(.essay I guess you could call it?) Is the “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus” editors response from The Sun. It basically sums up (for me, anyways) how Santa can not be a person but still very much be real.
KSuddeth says
YES! YES! YES!
I think I may just print this out and hand it to all of my relatives. While my own Benjamin is just 3 months old now, the Santa debate has already started. I was raised in a Santa household, but at the time my parents were not practicing Christians. I did not become a Christian until well after the Santa years were over. Like you, I don’t think Santa is evil or bad, but I do think that had I been raised believing in Christ that I would have had a crisis of faith because I am far too analytical and logical (after every episode of Lassie I would tell my mother the great moral lesson of the episode…. I was that kid).
This quote resonated with me the most, ” “You can always ask us questions, buddy. I will never tell you something that isn’t true. Mama and Daddy will always tell you the truth.”” I may not have all the answers, and at times I may actually be wrong. But I will correct myself when needed.
But my question is how do I tell my family that I don’t want to raise my son (and hopefully future children) believing in Santa? That for me, I feel like I would be lying to them. That I don’t think they were/are bad parents because they did Santa. That it is just not for us.
Bailey says
Thanks for this! Sometimes I feel bad because I’ve never been particularly interested in going out of my way to do Santa for my kids. There are so many holes in my story it’s surprising they haven’t called my bluff yet.
I feel like we’ve ended up “doing” Santa more than I’d particularly like because my in-laws are pretty dedicated to keeping it alive as a family tradition. They have a neighbor dressed as Santa bring presents to the kids every year. Between my kids and my sis-in-law’s kids there are eight of them ranging in age from 10-1. I feel like since it’s so important to them, if I slack on keeping the secret with my own kids it will spoil their fun.
If I just had my own kids to consider, I definitely think we would downplay Santa much more than we do.
I really wanted to celebrate St. Nicholas day this year but I wasn’t sure how to do it in a way that wouldn’t completely confuse my kids since we’ve been emphasizing Santa for so long.
Alice Aguilar says
Check out the post at Catholic All Year. It is a great way to combine both modern secular Santa and St. Nicholas.
Jamie says
Wish I would have read this a few yes ago when I felt pressured to do Santa by society in general despite the same reservations due to my oldest with similar personality. We downplay it, don’t answer directly, leave that Elf on a Shelf crap behind and focus on St Nicholas and Jesus and generosity.
Shirley says
Whatever you tell your children is your choice. But being a 2nd grade teacher you also need to teach your child not to ruin it for other children. I totally respect your decision but in turn you need to let other parents decide what or what not to tell their little ones. Last year I had a student whose parents told them Santa was not real and I had many tears and angry parents. I love the St. Nick ( showing the true meaning of Christmas) and it also kinda goes with the Santa idea.
susan says
Catholic all year had an interesting perspective as well.
Luke says
Wonderful article! Very much along our lines and reasons for not celebrating a visit from Santa. Our son Sebastian is now two and we did a very small St. Nicholas celebration that will grow in time. I support your courage in doing what is best for your children. God Bless!
Nicki says
When I first saw this post over the weekend, I read it as a beautifully written essay about one family’s choice re: Santa. The timing was perfect, as my husband and I had a date night on Saturday specifically to discuss our Santa/St Nick/gift giving plan for our young family. I initially wanted to comment to ask you, Haley, about your thoughts on the “The Other Stocking” since you are such a Chesterton fan (and I’ve seen many Catholic moms use this essay as an argument for Santa). But as I reread your post and spent some more time thinking about it (and the wonderful conversation in the comments), I realize that this post isn’t really about Santa. It is actually about the importance of knowing your own children and about honoring your own family’s traditions. Someone included a link to Jen F’s essay about why she does Santa (because her family did), and it really rang true for me. (Just as yours did, Haley, but for different reasons). I grew up celebrating Christmas in a big, but almost exclusively secular, way. Now that I have a stronger faith and an impressionable family of my own, I try to be mindful about emphasizing the “real reason for the season.” But sometimes I feel exhausted with all of the “shoulds” and am tired of having to reinvent everything. I loved my childhood, especially Christmas time. And so rejecting Santa for my own children feels almost like a rejection of my family and my childhood. Unlike Haley, celebrating Santa would not be inorganic for us. It would come quite naturally. We’ve already changed so much about the way we celebrate the time leading up to Christmas (holding off on decorations, music, cookies, movies, etc until Dec 24 to honor the season of Advent). But, Santa? I’m still just not sure I’m ready to give up on that entirely. That’s why we’re planning to “do” Santa, but as St Nick. It feels like a good way to honor both our family’s traditions as well as the church’s. And, because I know my own children, I believe they will enjoy this family tradition as much as I did.
Kaitlin @ More Like Mary says
What a thoughtful comment! I think you are spot on,
Melissa says
Interesting perspective! I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I am a cradle Catholic who has always “done” Santa. 😉 I think it’s fun, though we only get a few gifts per kid at Christmas. I only recently realized that some Christians skip the whole Santa thing (and it’s mostly my friends that seem “holier” than me… :)) because we’re a big Catholic family and we’ve all “done” Santa.
Quick question: I have a friend who’s children hang out with ours a lot and I know they don’t do Santa. Is there a tasteful way to ask her children to not bring up Santa in front of ours? Has anyone had experience with this? Thanks!!
Christie says
ANGRY INTERNET POST!
Just kidding. I really enjoyed reading this, it’s given me something to think about. Right now, my almost-four-year-old isn’t too invested in Saint Nick or Santa, but I’m going to keep my internal thermometer ready to gage whether the tradition would be more harmful than helpful.
sarah says
Yay! I love this post. My family is not religious but we are also not doing Santa. I remember feeling so betrayed and sad when I found out Santa wasn’t real– I don’t want to do that to my own kids. I love the idea of celebrating St. Nick! I think our family celebrations may center around the Winter Solstice instead, but I love the idea of celebrating the *real* magic in life, rather than a fake (and, honestly, somewhat scary!) jolly fat man. I want my kids to know they can trust me to tell them the truth. What a great post!
Angela says
Such a beautiful post! I struggle with this at points every year because I feel no one really “gets” our families decision. We have actually been told we are taking the magic out of Christmas for our kids. it’s refreshing to read we are not alone! Thank you and many blessings on your family!
Andi at Bringing the Sunshine says
I’ve been debating this issue in my mind for some time. My daughter will be twelve in a couple of weeks, and we always did the Santa thing with her, though we never made a big deal of it. Santa brought gifts, we had our picture taken, and that was pretty much it. No elves or Santa movies or any of that “stuff” – partly, I’ll admit, because neither Mr. Andi nor I are into those aspects of Christmas. When she finally asked us about it a few years ago, we told her it was a fun tradition based on St. Nicholas, revisited his story, and that was that. She’s a very logical and not very emotional child, so easy-peasy. No drama.
Her brother, however, is a different story… he’s four so still young enough to believe. The wrench in the plan, however, is that he has Down syndrome. He’s quite clever, but also prefers routine. Whenever Mr. Andi or I go somewhere in the evening and aren’t there when he goes to bed, he invariably wakes up in the middle of the night and appears in our room – he doesn’t like his apple cart upset. I can’t help but feel that we don’t need to “go there” with him. Losing Santa might be a major lasting drama.
This year, we haven’t mentioned Santa at all. We haven’t taken him to the see Santa. We haven’t asked him what he wants from Santa. We don’t have any Santa-themed decorations in our house (we have Santa ornaments, but our tree won’t go up until Christmas Eve). Our approach, I believe, is going to be to neither confirm nor deny and to keep things on the down-low as much as possible. And next year…we’ll celebrate St. Nicholas’ feast day!
Michael Foust says
Hi, Haley,
My wife and I agree 100 percent! We’re Protestant, but decided to no “do” Santa for many of the same reasons you did. And the funniest part: My oldest son, when he was 2, thought a a statue of Santa was Noah! 🙂 I wrote a similar blog if any readers care to read it: 4 countercultural reasons my family doesn’t celebrate Santa (and why my kids think he’s Noah) http://michaelfoust.com/2014/12/10/4-countercultural-reasons-my-family-doesnt-celebrate-santa-and-why-my-kids-think-hes-noah/
It’s not as good as yours, but gives another perspective to back your post up.
Haley says
Thanks for sharing the link, Michael! 🙂
Libby Jane says
So, I read all the comments some days ago, so I might have missed something, but did you see the post Leila had on LikeMotherLikeDaughter? She linked to this discussion of Santa Claus:
http://www.touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=18-10-011-v
What think you?
My family growing up did Santa, but it was always with a wink, instead of the reverence surrounding the rest of Christmas.
E. Nesbit has the children in one of her books (The Phoenix and the Carpet, maybe?) get all excited when they meet other kids who know how to play right–they don’t explain and say, “let’s pretend that I’m X and you’re Y and we go to A…” But just jump in and BE the play. I try to preserve some of this magic in pretend play.
I probably overexplain. I generally tell them too much when they ask about important things.
Our family never tried to get the kids to buy in very much–really pretending and insisting they’d seen Santa, that kind of thing. But doing stockings or shoe on the 24th or the 6th, and for sure reading about St. Nicholas and Santa traditions around the world has been really rich.
I have also found that I didn’t want to cut off one of the few parts of church history and traditions that our culture has embraced. I don’t want the nice lady at the checkout counter to feel judged when she asks the kids about Santa–I don’t want the kids to be snotty or weirdly sober, but for all of us to be able to use those places of overlap with the culture, however slight or twisted up with worldliness, to be an opening we use to share our joy and conviviality in our sweet Lord.
I totally think it’s possible to do this whether we celebrate Santa or Saint Nicholas or neither, if we do it with kindness and joy.
I love your blog, the the thoughtful way you have approached this and other topics, and the sincerity and thoughtfulness of your readers!
Thanks.
Elizabeth says
Libby Jane, this is a fantastic article. He says it so much better than my ramblings :). And I love your comments on pretend play. Even beings that aren’t real are often more real than they are fake — like the balrog example. I want my children to focus on the real parts of a balrog (or other imaginary beings) in pretend play during childhood and discern the more symbolic parts with age. Blurring the imagination with reality is an important part of childhood that allows us greater insight and wisdom as we age. Sure, if they ask me questions point blank, I may help them along, but I try not interject too much. Your link articulated ways that Santa has helped my faith greatly as an adult. Thank you for this!
Jessica says
Our oldest is just 2.5, but this is the approach we want to take with her. At Mass during the Consecration we point out “look! The bells mean Jesus is coming!” How could I expect her to believe that if I also said “Santa is coming?”
She pretends to be a dog or a bird. She has conversations with imaginary characters. I plan on leting Santa be just another cherished pretend friend.
Sarah says
I greatly respect your right to raise your children as you see best. However, please consider there is a very real GOOD in believing in Santa:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/christophers/2014/12/why-i-still-believe-in-santa-claus-a-response-to-the-santa-haters/
C. Davis says
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beliefs, and approach on Santa. My husband and I do not yet have children, however we got into a serious discussion this season about this topic. We know we do not want to “do” Santa, as you put it, however we were not sure what or how to approach the subject.
I love your idea to tell the true story about the man, St. Nicholas, on December 6th. That makes it more of a history lesson than creating a central figure of the Christmas season.
I sent this to my husband to read through, so thank you again for sharing….so helpful!
Cindy Coleman says
Such a beautiful post. My only child is 20yo but if I had read this when he was young it surely would have given me pause. Currently I am a catechist of 2nd graders, and I step very, very, VERY carefully around Santa. Honestly, I have given up bringing the story of St Nicolas to them for fear of messing with whatever Santa story is in their family and angry parents. Even explaining to them why we are raising money for our Archdiocese’s Christmas fund for children even takes some roundabout explaining–because if Santa is bringing them an ipad and PS3, why doesn’t he do it for those poor kids too? (As an aside, but please, can we get rid of the Elves at least?–there are 2 of them in the classroom I use to teach catechism at our parochial school. Ugh)
Lis says
Haley,
I love this post for so many reasons. I also had a failure of faith like your mother did and my husband never celebrated Santa, so we don’t “do” santa. It’s just worth it to lose credibility with my kids.
However, (you might find this interesting) my oldest is obsessed with Santa. She knows it’s a great story and still wants to sit on the big guy’s lap at the mall. It’s the same idea as wanting to take pictures with Disney characters though.
I love your St. Nick celebration and I’m definitely going to have to adopt that!
Blessings,
Lis
AK says
This was comforting to read. I was starting to feel like the only family on earth that decided to celebrate without Santa and elves. Before I became a parent I never, ever thought we would go this direction. My siblings and I were quite upset when we found out Santa and the Easter Bunny weren’t ‘real’. We also really only cared about the idea of presents and SANTA. I’ll go as far to say as it somewhat left us disappointed with the holiday in the rest of those younger years. Our child is young and we had to make a committed decision one way or another this year to go with the Santa story or not. We’ve decided not to. We didn’t feel right taking away the focus the real reason for Christmas. I felt like I was lying to our child last year when I attempted to go there about Santa. I’ve found people seem to feel as if you’re robbing your child of a magical experience. I never gave any thought to the idea about how it could affect faith. Very good point. Thank for you for sharing this!
LD says
My parents didn’t do Santa Claus because they didn’t want to lie to us. I was so jealous of all my friends that believed in him. It seemed so magical and wonderful. I wished my parents hadn’t been so analytical and just let us be kids. It makes me sad to this day to remember how special Christmas seemed at their houses and how I wished to be a part of it. Now years later… my kids believe in Santa and i wouldnt have it any other way.
Beth says
Hmm. Haley, I’ve read this post before and never commented. I guess my question is what you mean by “knowing your child.” To me, the time to “introduce” Santa is well before you “know” a child’s temperament and personality. To me, the Santa magic is best at age 18 mos to 2 years. Perhaps you “do” it different at your house. Regardless, I don’t think it matters much and agree parents should be free to choose whether they do the tradition with their kids or not, but that it is mostly based on the parent’s personality and temperament, rather than the child’s. Just another way to think about it.
Christine says
Thanks for sharing!
In my family, we did grow up with Santa, and I’ve heard a similar story about when my sister at age 5 went to my parents distraught when she realized that santa probably wasn’t real. They told her the truth, but explained how Santa can actually help open up our minds to believing the unbelievable starting from a very young age. There’s never any one right way to parent, but for my siblings and I the Santa tradition has not hurt our ability to trust and may have expanded our capacity for trusting the miraculous. The over-emphasis on consumption and excessive gift-giving, on the other hand, seems like a pretty clear cut negative aspect of the tradition as we often practice it today.
🙂
Sarah Chestnut says
I just want to say thank you for this thoughtful articulation. My husband and I decided not to do Santa with our son (who sounds much like yours), and now that our daughter (also sound similar in temperament to yours) is nearly 4 and asking questions, I feel the tension all over…and today in Target she announced, to a small group of kids looking at a Santa display, “Santa’s not real!”…I grimaced…another mom said, “Santa is real!” and I ushered my daughter away from the scene. I was glad to find your post this afternoon…I needed a little encouragement and fortification. Grace to you this Advent. -Sarah
Kacie McP. says
I plan to have my children have Santa, but I love your post and hearing the perspective. I grew up with Santa and remember the story of St. Therese crying as a child when her shoes weren’t filled with candies by St. Nicholas (I believe). Coming out of that belief as a child that Santa didn’t exist was a struggle, but it led to no crisis in faith, especially when reminded I wasn’t the only one who had experienced a similar struggle. Santa isn’t central, but he’ll be there:)). “Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Clause” (movie and story) also cultivated such a lovely belief and reminder of what was important. I think my parents successfully cultivated a belief perhaps into my early teens haha. Thank you! Love the focus on St. Nick!