The other morning, my husband said, “I love you.” Well, actually, I just heard “I love you.” What he actually said was “here’s your coffee,” as he set down my favorite mug on our bedside table. Leaving me to nurse our daughter in the quiet bedroom, he walked out to begin the lively breakfast dance of frying potatoes while our three-year-old and five-year-old scampered around the kitchen–leaving an obstacle course of LEGO creations and Play-doh mines for the cook.
It may seem like a small gesture, but truly folks, handing a cup of coffee to a tired mother is like crafting a ballad of undying devotion.
Coffee, the love story, was woven into my ideas about love long before last week. I’ve been drinking coffee since I was too young to drink it (come to think of it, maybe that’s why I’m so short). It’s a ritual. A mood-lifter. A necessity. A life-long love affair.
When I woke up the morning after my wedding, I heard my groom tiptoe-ing out the door of the hotel room–returning a few minutes later with a cup of coffee for me. He brought a few packets of sugar and some half n’ half. He knew exactly how I drank my coffee–barely discernable through all the sugar and cream (don’t worry, I’ve since grown up and learned to drink it black).
He wasn’t a coffee drinker then, but he wasn’t thinking about himself. He knew that a good day for his new bride started with a cup of coffee.
I remember sitting up in bed on that May morning, trying to wrap my mind around the idea that the handsome guy I could see over the top of my coffee mug was my husband.
“So this is marriage,” I thought to myself. And it was marriage. That tiny act of thoughtfulness was just as much marriage as the joy and laughter of our wedding celebration and our first passionate night together. These little sacrifices for each other that fill our days are highly underrated. It’s not the grand gestures, but the tiny ones that lay the foundation for an epic love story.
We undervalue the daily grind of marriage. We fear the everydayness of it. We seek the passion and romance of love, but worry that it comes hand-in-hand with a rigid monotony as if the idea that facing day-to-day life with one person instead of having the freedom to move from one relationship to the next is a downside. A drudge. A bore. Day after day. Year after year of a mind-numbing rut to be stuck in forever.
Kind of like when I wake up to a new day and dread that monotonous cup of morning coffee. Such a chore to drink it–chained to the same old beverage day after day. Ugh. Coffee. AGAIN. If only I could switch things up with a morning chai latte. A cup of green tea. Some other caffeinated soda? Bring back SURGE, perhaps?
Oh, wait. That’s not what I think at all. And apparently I’m not alone since the majority of Americans are also daily drinkers of the heavenly stuff.
So is that critique of marriage really fair? Do we view other facets of life as oppressive merely because they are woven into each of our days?
I treasure my cup of coffee, not despite the fact that I drink it daily, but also because of it’s everydayness. I delight in the fact that this good thing, this cup of joy, is woven into my days. And I love my marriage for it’s everydayness, too. That this sacramental grace flows through the days and week and years.
This daily grind of marriage isn’t a downside. It’s a quotidian sacred liturgy of life together–and that doesn’t make it lifeless or boring. It’s the tiny, seemingly insignificant moments of grace that build upon each other and knit us together.
Waking up next to Daniel every morning for 3,000 days, eating at least 6,000 meals together, changing a million diapers, losing so many nights of sleep to the care of our three children, wiping down dirty kitchen counters countless times, does that make it any less magical and sacred, any less exciting? No. Doesn’t it become more beautiful over time that we said, ‘yes,’ to living one more day of this adventure together? Like Christmas morning–each year of marriage becomes a little more precious, a little more magical. Not in spite of the time together, but because of it.
Daniel drinks his coffee black. Yup, he didn’t last long avoiding coffee married to me. But then again, we’ve grown more alike over the past eight years. I eat oysters now. He drinks coffee. He makes a valiant effort to sound interested in the minutiae of blogging and I try to understand why running 100 mile ultra marathons is something a human being would want to do. We’ve grown together.
But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Sometimes the cup is bitter. We hurt each other. We fail each other. It stings. But as we remove each others masks, and commit to loving the person we married–flaws and pain and all, the daily graces of marriage build and grow. When I look at my husband over my cup of coffee, I see him differently than I did the morning after our wedding. I know him more deeply. I’m less naive, but more in love. I don’t trust the way a young bride does that he will never let me down. In fact I don’t believe that at all. He will let me down. I have and will let him down. We are human, we are sinful, we will fail each other. But after so many days on this adventure together, I don’t worry anymore about giving up somewhere along the road. Because the good thing about marriage is that it’s full of grace. Grace to cover our sin. Grace to hold us together. Grace to not give up on each other.
And sometimes that grace flows through a simple cup of coffee, given at the right moment, so that it speaks ‘I love you’ with each sip.
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Dear Haley, thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights. I’m always encouraged by the strength, intelligence and goodness in your blog. You and your family are a shining example of how our choices make all the difference in the world. 🙂
Those are such kind words, Pat. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this post! My husband and I have been married for just a month, and I still have plenty to learn about him, but I can tell you that the little things make me fall more and more in love with him every day. We work opposite shifts right now, so he often wakes me up with the smell of breakfast on the stove, and I give him a hot dinner to come home to. This post made me tear up because I can tell how much you and Daniel love each other, and I am so excited to grow in love with my sweetie pie! I also really want to thank you for your reply to an email I sent you a few weeks ago. I haven’t responded yet, but I read and reread it a dozen times and it has really inspired me and helped me pull myself together in what has been a difficult times. Your encouragement and prayers mean a lot! God bless! 🙂
You’re welcome, Corrine! <3
Smiling and teary as I am sitting here drinking a cup of coffee (my husband brewed for me), reading your beautiful blog, and watching my toddler play. Your posts about marriage and motherhood are always SO relatable and even more beautiful! Thank you so much!
I really appreciate that. Thanks, Teri!
Excellent.
Thanks, mom 😉
Beautifully said! My husband makes me tea everymorning too! 🙂
Thanks! <3
Oh, Haley!! This was great! It was such an encouraging read for me 🙂
I’m sharing it all over the internet and I’ll be back to read it again!
Thanks!
Thanks, Theresa!
Cheers to the daily grind. What could be a more perfect analogy than this? You nailed it, friend.
Thank you, Jenny!
Beautiful! This post is full of great reminders. I’m going to save it for my teenagers to read.
Thanks, Beth!
Wow! I just loved this! Our culture tries so hard to convince us that the everyday is boring and tired. So much so that your paragraph about the everyday of marriage being a drudge sounds so common. But, the following paragraph about “ugh, another cup of coffee” really points out how ridiculous that ideology is! This is definitely one of my favorite posts of yours!
<3
oh Haley, this may be the most BEAUTIFUL post about marriage that I’ve ever read. Maybe it’s because I’m a fellow coffee addict 😉 but the analogy you drew is so clear to me. I chuckled a little too, because in our love story, my husband is just catching on/coming to accept fully my love affair with coffee. While he started drinking it also while we were engaged, my particular tastes (only GOOD coffee. no i don’t want a cup from a gas station. plain lattes. no frills) has been a source of growth for both of us. He’ll occasionally bring home a nice hot cup for me if we are out of coffee at home – and it’s one of the sweetest gestures of “i love you” he can give me!
Aw, I love that! And thank you for your sweet words!
Thanks for reminding me how lucky I am to be married to my husband! We need a shot in the arm now and then. I got one last night when I observed my husband brushing his teeth. He stood in his old, familiar way, hand in pocket, and I suddenly realized how fleeting our mortal life together is. I thought, “I’m going to miss this when it’s gone.” A sad thought, but enough to ward off any I’m-so-bored-with-him moments for a while.
I love those little epiphanies of affection 🙂 Thanks for sharing that, Erin.
Probably my favorite of your posts ever! Probably because I too have a love affair with coffee, and my husband is pretty wonderful for making it for me, too 🙂 In fact, I just woke up (1:00 pm) from a long, busy night shift at the hospital due to our neighbors playing video games (or something) way too loud— to discover that it was ok, because my dear husband had just finished brewing me my coffee, as he often does, and it delighted me anew. And then I read this post! Lovely 🙂
Thanks, Kristin! Sounds like you have a thoughtful guy 😉
I have a coffee making, water getting, breakfast making husband as well. It’s pretty great.
<3
Today is mine and my husband’s seventh anniversary and it’s almost like you posted this especially for us! We have a one year old (and over the past year he finished grad school and I started!) and it’s been a long, sweet, tiring, exciting year. We are devoted coffee drinkers and I can’t count how many times he’s fixed my coffee exactly like I like it (and I’m particular, ha) and brought it to me– in bed, to the couch, to work, to-go for class…Whenever things are hard, I hear him grinding coffee with our hand-grinder in the kitchen and I get this “everything is going to be ok feeling.” Thanks Haley and happy anniversary to my buddy:)
Aw, happy anniversary, Shannon!
Annnnnnd sharing this with every newly married/engaged friend of mine ever….
🙂
I love this post so very much! Being a coffee lover and all 🙂 Shared it on FB and wanted to share a quote from G. K. Chesterton that I was reminded of while reading this:
“Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun; and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.”
― G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy
A love that meets us again and again in our monotony! So lovely and all things beautiful! God is good and so is the gift of marriage 🙂
I love that quote! Didn’t even think of it relating to marriage! Thanks for that insight, Amanda.
I totally agree 🙂 Right now the “I love you” is taking the three year old at 5 in the morning so I sleep a little bit more since I was up with the newborn at night.
That is the best! <3
This post made my heart swell with love for my husband. They are the best!
🙂
Your post gives me hope that I can see beyond the daily grind someday when I get married. I’m fearful of that overtaking the gratitude and love I feel now in my relationship. Thanks!
So glad, Jenn 🙂
Beautifully-written post, Haley! I agree so much with this—coffee is a MASSIVE love language in our household, and being the first one to make it for the other is an act of pure love.
Thank you, Tsh! I really appreciate that. I should start saying my love language is coffee, haha.
3 of my favorite things – your blog, black coffee, and my marriage -come together so beautifully in this post. Thank you!
Aw, thanks, Becky! That makes my day 🙂
haley, what a beautiful understanding you have and share. of marriage and of coffee 🙂 thanks for reminding me to have my eyes open to little acts of love. i have featured a teaser to your beautiful post over at inspowoman.com. love to you, sister.
Thanks, Kacey!
This was such a beautiful post about the daily love in marriage!
Thank you, Gina! <3
Ya know, it’s very fitting that your hubby makes the coffee. When my husband & I went to Engaged Encounter the presenters told a similar story to yours. At the end the husband said, “I have to make the coffee. It’s in the Bible.” We all looked around thinking, “Where is that? ” and he quipped, “it says He Brews. Get it? Hebrews?” It was the punniest thing we heard that weekend but it stuck with me. Thanks for the poignant post, Haley!
Haha!
Spot on. This may just be one of my favorite posts. Coffee is a love language! Let us raise our mugs to good and loving husbands everywhere. Cheers!
I think I want a mug that says, “coffee is my love language.” 🙂
My friend, this was just so, so beautiful. I echo with the sentiments you wrote and thank you for using the lens of coffee to see marriage as “a quotidian sacred liturgy of life together.” Yes, yes, yes.
P.S. I’m still holding out that my husband will share a cup with me someday. Daniel’s coffee conversion gives me hope! 😀
Thank you so much, sweet friend! <3
I think it is those very “sacrifices”—the small, mundane, everyday sacrifices that we make like preparing a cup of coffee for the other—that are the most profound moments of sanctifying grace. Because sacrifice becomes a joy, selflessness a delight, and I wonder if those small moments make the greater sacrifices more joyful when they come.
That’s beautiful, Shannon.
Beautiful. I’ve been married 18 years and you nailed. Marriage is all about kindness. Thanks for the reminder.
🙂
I was going to propose what Tsh said- coffee is my love language. When my husband and I were courting, dancing was. Now that we have a 2.5 year old and 2.5 month old, it’s coffee. If you get that mug made, order me one!
You have a very beautiful way of looking at things, Haley. Here’s to many more cups of coffee (or tea, in my case)! 😉
Oh my goodness!! Somehow you managed to connect these two things without making it cheesy or trite. There’s a lot of wisdom here about the monotony of life – how it doesn’t have to be boring, it can be magical, sacrificial, beautiful. Thank you! I love coffee, and my husband and I have been married about 6 weeks. I will definitely be sharing this blog with him. Thanks for writing this.
Wonderful post! Loved this so much 🙂 It really it a small thing…but so, so amazong when your man brings you your favorite beverage – especially when you need it the most. <3
PS – Ditto on SURGE by the way! Good times. LOL Hey, if you ever hit up Atlanta… Go to the World of Coca-Cola. At the end of the museum/factory tour, there is a drink taste-testing extravaganza. They have all the flavors – past and present, wins and fails… And, yes. Surge was there! Oh, it was great. (pictures – http://houseofwoyaks.blogspot.com/2011/07/world-of-coca-cola-picture-show.html )
What a great post! I’ve only been married two months but this speaks to me. I hope for this in my marriage 🙂
You are just too good to be true, Haley. Really. Sometimes I read your posts as this one and think to myself that it can’t be true. I mean, modern western culture has gone too far away from kindness, altruism and faith that you advocate so beautifully that it is hard to believe there is still someone holding on.
Thanks for that.
Haley, I don’t normally comment on blog posts. But this? This is so beautiful. Thank you.
This is the first time I’ve ever been to your blog (courtesy of Tsh) and what a great first post to read 🙂 Last night my husband and I were watching random silly video clips we made while on our honeymoon. We were talking about how more in love we are now and how much we have grown, even in just 5 years. There’s this feeling of safety when you know the other person is stinking around no matter what because you are both committed for life, and experiencing it firsthand (how often he chooses to love me even though I so don’t deserve it). And it’s wonderful to share the everyday stuff together as well as the random chaos 🙂 Thanks for this great reflection!
Wonderful inspiration, Coffee is it’s own love language in our home.
P.S. Surge is back! (kind of)
http://www.coca-colacompany.com/stories/surge-returns-back-by-popular-demand-brand-now-available-exclusively-on-amazoncom
I’m clearly late to the party on reading this post, Haley, but it is so well-written. Thank you for sharing this reflection. It touched my heart tonight and reminded me that the “everydayness” of this sacrament and vocation are pure gift.
Love this post!
I met my husband in 2nd grade, married him at 19, and celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this summer. This past weekend we were out of town, and he told me he loved me by going out of his way to bring me an unasked for (but very much wanted) cup of coffee. You nailed it with this post! This is how I feel too.
Thank you for your words!
What a beautiful analogy of marriage. Thank you for the reminder and for the slightly new perspective when I think about cleaning the kitchen every day 🙂
This is my first time checking out your blog and I loved this post, I’m looking forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful insight.
3 of my favorite things, all in one post: coffee, my husband, & appreciating the little things in everyday life. I love this!
This was an exceptionally lovely piece. I also look forward to my morning coffee every day 🙂
This is a tradition I have carried forward from my grandparents. Every day my grandfather would bring my grandmother her cup of coffee before she got up. Some days they would sit silently and just enjoy each other’s company the sipping and slurping the coffee together being its own reward. Some days the talk would be of news about the children and grandchildren and other days my grandfather would get his honey-do list that for the day. No matter the topics, this shared time was always valuable to them. This tradition was the glue that the one legged man and the blind woman (married at the height of the Depression and told they were doomed to failure because of their handicaps) used to hold together if their union and raise five children. For the decade she lived after my grandfather’s death, whenever I visited, I would always be sure to bring her her cup of coffee in the morning and she would be sure to tell me the story of their 50 years together and our family. Thanks to that, our sharing of the coffee in my own family has held us together for nearly 22 years
Hi, read full posting after it was quoted in the National. Catholic Register, and it is even better in its entirety. I’m in the midst of my extremely Catholic wife divorcing me. I always did enjoy making the coffee and bringing it to her in bed. Your comments on Grace are so important, no question it is the only thing that can keep a marriage together with all its stresses. Divine, supernatural, miraculous Grace.
I’ve just happened across your blog and wanted to say that I especially love this post. The parallel that you’ve drawn between your lifelong love of spouse and your lifelong love of coffee is an ingenious one. How could we ever tire of either? They are both a comforting and needed part of everyday. As I sip my morning coffee tomorrow morning I’ll be thinking of this. Thanks!
I’m clearly a few months late, but this made my day. I’ve been so afraid of getting married because of all the what-ifs in life that are beyond my control. We’re taking the leap because we’re not guaranteed forever in this life, so it’s best when you sit down and enjoy it together for as long as you can. Truly beautiful! In a weird way, it’s what I needed to hear.
Beautiful and personally very timely. Thank you.