Me and Comments
Confession: I’m terrible at leaving blog comments. I read lots of blogs but rarely do I ever comment even if I adore a post. I use the Feedly app on my phone and it’s miserable to try to leave comments from an iPhone (or at least I think it is.) I’m far more likely to share a post I love on Facebook than leave a comment. And I bet there’s some Carrots readers in the same boat. I want you to know it doesn’t bother me one bit if you’ve never left a comment. I’m just glad you’re here.
You and Comments
As for those of you who are faithful commenters: you are awesome. Why? Because of the tone you give to this space. I am always encouraged, enlightened, and impressed by what you have to share. And on the rare occasion that I get a hostile comment, if you respond to it before I get a chance to reply, I’m always so pleased with the kindness and compassion you display. Usually your tactful and understanding note to the previous commenter gets a reply that is no longer hostile, but is now open to the conversation. Thank you. Sometimes I cover controversial topics like contraception and matters of faith that trigger something in someone who has been hurt. Instead of giving them a sharp reply, you treat them like a person who deserves respect and kindness, not an argument that should be dismissed. I love you for that.
As Carrots continues to grow, I find myself unable to respond to each and every comment (which has been my goal until now.) I just can’t do it, y’all. And that makes me sad, because I wish I had the time to reply to each of you! I remember when I first starting reading Catholic blogs before we converted and it meant so much to have a window into the life of a Catholic family. And when the blogger would respond to my comment, I felt like it meant I was welcome there. But usually when I commented, I wouldn’t get a reply. The blogger responded to other bloggers, but not to me and I felt like I didn’t belong in the club. I didn’t ever want anyone at Carrots to feel that way! But I simply don’t have time to write new posts in my limited time to do bloggy things (3 kids 4 and under over here!) if I keep responding to each comment. Please know that even if I don’t respond to your comment, I read it and treasured it. Sometimes I read them out loud to Daniel because you all are cool and smart and say clever, inspiring things. I’m glad you’re here and I so wish I could reply to each of you. I will still try to respond as much as I can and answer any questions in the comments.
My Fellow Bloggers and Comments
And a note for my fellow bloggers: Stay strong and don’t get discouraged. If you state an opinion about anything, you will receive some downright nasty comments (and often on posts you’re not expecting to trigger them!). I am always braced for a backlash when I write about sensitive issues like birth control, but nothing has received as much name-calling, angry comments as a post I wrote about the problems I see in the Twilight series. It was over a year ago and I’m still getting the angry comments!
I’ve adopted a certain attitude to negative comments that has been helpful to me. If a comment stating disagreement is an attempt to open a conversation, I am all about responding. If it is respectful, logical, and kind-spirited, I consider it carefully and often learn something in the process. For instance, I’ve received some thought-provoking comments on my post about the Christian themes in Harry Potter that bring a different perspective that I want to carefully consider and respond to. However, if it is simply someone venting, calling me names, and being mean without actually addressing any of my claims or arguments, it gets deleted. Ain’t nobody got time for that! My blog is simply not the place for people to work out their issues and any attempt I make to respond it such comments is usually met with more hostility because they don’t actually want a conversation.
I think it was on the Simple Mom podcast that I first heard the idea that a comment says more about the person who wrote it than about your post. So true! When a person is name-calling and venting their anger, it’s because something has triggered that response. They don’t know you, it doesn’t have anything to do with you personally. However, if they are kind and respectful, then they genuinely want to enter into a dialogue about something they disagree with, presenting their claims, offering a differing opinion, and contributing to the conversation. The more reasonable and kind the comment is, the more seriously I take it. When I read a really cruel comment, I realize that the person must have written it because they’ve been hurt or are struggling through pain. I don’t approve the comment and I say a prayer for them and whatever they’re going through. That way I can offer it up and move on. And wouldn’t you know, it’s on those days that I always get an incredibly encouraging email from a reader to more than make up for the negativity!
So bloggers, if you’ve got anything to say, you’re going to get some backlash. Don’t be discouraged. Respond with kindness and openness to respectful disagreement and move on from the downright mean stuff.
I’m interested to hear from readers and other bloggers about comments. Are you a frequent blog commenter? And bloggers, how do you deal with negative comments?
I love your take on comments. I’m horrible about commenting on other blogs, but I’m working on it! I can only imagine some of the negative comments you – you should see some of the ones I get for *gasp* painting over wood! 😉
I love reading your blog and getting a peek into Catholic life. And your kiddos are just too cute! 🙂
Painting over wood! Horrors! Haha. That is too funny that it would elicit such negative comments. Yikes!
And thank you ; )
whoops ! – that should read “negative comments that you get”. 🙂
I’m just now starting out so I haven’t had any negative comments…yet. I do comment on other blogs frequently, mostly because I love getting comments myself and I like to share the love. If I really love a blog post, I leave a comment 🙂 I totally understand where you are coming from though, it does take a lot of time.
I don’t usually comment on blogs because I don’t usually get an answer. I did recently start a little blog (years after quitting my attempt in high school) and a friend from high school found it from a comment I left on her blog and now we comment back and forth. It is really nice and encouraging.
I love reading your opinions, even when they differ from my own. My fiance was raised Catholic and around here anyone that isn’t Catholic doesn’t understand Catholicism. While I won’t be converting, your blog is one tool that has helped me understand and appreciate Catholicism.
Keli, that is super encouraging. Thank you! And that’s kind of how I feel about commenting, too. I’ve made a few blogging friends that I know will respond to me, but on bigger blogs if I don’t get a response, I probably won’t leave another comment there.
I love this! I’m always amazed at the posts that spark the nasty, hateful comments. Nine times out of ten, when I’m expecting backlash, it never comes, but when I don’t expect backlash it comes out in full force. Like you, I delete the ones that don’t add to the conversation and I block the people who are consistently rude and obnoxious. I do my best to say a prayer for them and move on, realizing that their comments are less directed at me than they are at situations in that person’s life.
I don’t think I have ever actually gotten a negative comment. I have a pretty small readership though..although I’ve been blogging for about 8 months fairly consistently. I tend not to blog about really controversial stuff though.
Anyway, I love it when people leave comments. I’m terrible at replying to them, because I’m never sure that the person actually sees my reply, but I do love reading them. And, I love leaving comments, I just find it so encouraging. I try to make a point of visiting everyone who visits me, and I’ve found some great blogs that way!
Like Amanda said above, it’s so funny what things end up being upsetting to people! The stuff I know will be controversial rarely gets a backlash!
You captured so well how I often feel when reading Catholic blogs. I read lots of people talk about the awesome community, but a lot of times I feel like the awkward girl at the party; I guess some of that is inevitable. I try to remember that the blogger may be situation as you and that I also know how hard it is to respond to comments, even when there are only a few.
Anyway, I love your blog. I often feel like you verbalize things I’ve been thinking but better than I ever could. Thanks!
Aw, thanks, Sarah! Do I follow you on Instagram? You look super familiar.
Yeah, I don’t know if it’s because I was reading bloggers that were significantly older and already established close Catholic blogging friends their age? Totally understand that you can’t reply to everyone (figuring that out over here!) but it would have made a huge difference to me if someone said, “hey! glad you’re here!” 🙂
I don’t have an Instagram, but you follow me on Twitter 🙂
Good stuff here.
I use feedly too and the thought of commenting on blogs on my phone is just terrifying. Blogs like yours that have this nice name, email, website field are easy enough but anything that requires a drop down menu or a log in… I just can’t deal from my phone. I’ve been trying to comment more and respond to comments on my own blog better. I really like the fact that blogging is somewhat of a conversation and I want to encourage that. I do like the idea of sharing on facebook more often though – especially when I’m on my phone and don’t want to deal with the hassle of commenting from there!
There are some blogs I just don’t even try to comment on because of the captcha (sp?) thing where you have to prove you’re not a robot? And I do like sharing on FB because it makes such a different to me when people share my posts!
great post. I used to comment all the time. and always positive comments. The only two bloggers who have ever responded to me (and who continue to about 90% of the time) are wellnessmama and mamaandbabylove.
I only have time to keep up with so many blogs a week and I find those are the two blogs I take the time to visit because I feel like I belong. Sometimes MBL will leave a one or two word reply….but it always makes my day and makes me want to come back again. She’s simply even replied “lol” at times to some people…just to acknowledge she read it. I totally get that bloggers don’t have time to answer every question if there are 100’s of comments, but a simple.. thank you for reading ..really goes a long way.
Steph at M+BL is so great about that!
“However, if it is simply someone venting, calling me names, and being mean without actually addressing any of my claims or arguments, it gets deleted.”
Agreed. I love a good debate and especially enjoy it when someone can articulate a point that makes me reconsider what I think. It is, for me, the best mark of friendship to have someone with whom you can always argue with but still feel a strong bond, and I always wanted that on the blogosphere.
However, some people just want to be an ass for the pure pleasure of being an ass. When I started getting anti-semitic remarks on my original blog, I found I had to not only delete comments but proactively tell people to go away. Not fun.
Thanks for your community, and keep it up!
“It is, for me, the best mark of friendship to have someone with whom you can always argue with but still feel a strong bond”
So true!
So. Many. Thoughts. . . . Must condense. Not. My. Blog.
Okay, I do tend to get some negative comments, and I have the same rules you do. No swearing, no name calling, no speculating about what I “really” think or meant. At first I was hesitant to delete anything, since it seemed unfair that I could say whatever I wanted and they couldn’t. But then I realized that I wasn’t being insulting and they were.
As for responding to comments. I hope I haven’t been hurting people’s feelings, but it’s never been my goal to respond to every comment. I guess it’s because before I had my own blog I only followed big-time blogs and never had the expectation that they would necessarily respond to little ol’ me. So now, as a totally not big-time blogger, that’s the expectation I assume.
I always respond if someone asks me a question. But, honestly I never really thought all the “Wow, thanks!” responses from the Blogger in the comments add much to the conversation.
I usually respond in the comments if someone leaves a question in the comments, since with Blogger comments, it seems like the majority of people don’t have their comment name linked to an email address.
I always write back when someone emails me, since I can’t help but remember which bloggers responded and which didn’t when I emailed them for advice when I was just starting out. But often I’ll write a big long response that took me an hour to write and don’t ever hear anything back from them!
Okay, way too long. Stopping now.
Oh yeah, I always answer emails! And in general, most bloggers I’ve emailed in the past have been really great about emailing me back. And maybe I overthink emails (and comments, too) and write more than I actually need to/should.
just checking into say it is good to realize limits, including in one’s blog life; don’t feel bad about not being able to interact with all comments. God bless you and your family! Your blog blesses many!
I’m not so great at commenting either, but my blog is a pretty small potatoes one so I usually respond to all comments (except sometimes the ones that just say, “Great post!” or something to that effect). I’m MUCH more likely to respond to comments if someone actually has their email linked to their profile, because it’s easier to respond via email than in the comment box.
I always try to visit the profiles/blogs of whoever comments on my blog, especially if they’re frequent commenters. There are some bloggers that I follow that follow me back and we don’t really comment on each other’s blogs much and that doesn’t really bother me – I think it’s just a different relationship that you have with different people.
If my blog ever reaches seriously high comment numbers, I’ll probably have to be more discerning in which ones I respond to because it really can be a time suck! And I’ve definitely found myself not posting sometimes because I still haven’t had time to respond to comments!
Anyway, that’s my novel – no need to respond 😉
Yes! I get paralyzed with feeling overwhelmed by all the comments I haven’t responded to and don’t feel like I can post again til it’s done!
Haley, I love you!
I’m the silent faithful reader who would love to be your neighbor… we would get along sooo well, and I knew that from the Twilight thing!! Picture this: If we would be neighbors we could even pray some Rosary together and chase each other chickens! Ahahaha!
File this under: crazy positive comments that don’t need an answer!
Sending my love and prayers to you from Italy! xo
Aww, you’re the best Paola. Love following you on Instagram 🙂
Just wanted to let you know (since the time is right with this post) that I follow you but never comment. Not because I don’t love you (and all my other faves) but probably because I’m hiding in the bathroom reading good stuff on my kindle while the wild Indians whooop! outside the door. Time is short. This may be my one and only comment… but I’m here. 🙂
That’s me! Hiding in the bathroom for a couple sweet moments of blog reading! Haha. I’m glad you commented because now I have your blog in my feedly app! I love following Catholic women who are just a little farther down the road of motherhood and homeschooling so I can glean all your wisdom!
You know what I’m enjoying is seeing all these younger Catholic mommas blogging! I’m not so young any more :)….and I’ve been blogging since 2006, but not really to pick up an audience per se, although I have acquired one. It was more of a journal type venture after the death of my father — a spiritual outlet — my Winnie-the-Pooh “thotful spot” …..
God bless you all on all your musings and interesting, informative inspiring jottings….
Thanks, Denise!
Thank you for this insight. I have often wondered what it is like for you to read all of the comments. It’s nice to know that even though you cannot respond to every single one, you do read EVERY single one. You give me much inspiration to cultivate my blog and watch it grow as your “Carrots” has. Keep it up!
I was never a commenter on blogs until I started my own and realized how much they meant to the person writing. Maybe I’m crazy insecure or something but if I write something, especially if it’s from the heart, and there are few or no comments, I feel like maybe it was terrible and I never should have said it and no one has the the guts to tell me 🙂 Huh. Writing that out it sounds kind of pathetic. Anyway, now I try to comment as often as I can because if no one comments, it kind of takes some of the fun out of blogging. I do like the “like” button on the bottom of my page so that people can easily just acknowledge that they read something I poured out. I’ll be honest and say that I notice when people host linkups but then don’t take the time to comment on the people who have joined in. That’s kinda lame in my opinion. I also find it funny when people link to something you wrote but then don’t comment on the post themselves. I guess I’m super sensitive or something 🙂 On a related note, I think it’s really cool if people get an idea or recipe from you and then they leave a comment telling you. (I am awful on that by the way.) But it only makes sense to me that we should just give a quick thank you to someone if they inspired you with a project or helped you make dinner that night or took the time to give a detailed tutorial on something. I know how much work that is to do and I think the internet as a whole and especially now with Pinterest is really bad about that.
On a tangent, I would love to have accurate stats on just how many people have read an actual post. I’m pretty sure that’s impossible because of feed readers and spammers but it would be really helpful, especially since so many people tell me they read something I wrote but never commented so I have no idea sometimes if people are actually reading or not, you know?
I’ve been trying to be better about responding when appropriate to comments. I think it’s really nice to do but I totally get why bigger bloggers (or those who have just had a baby and have 3 kids under 4) cannot! I’m still pretty scared of broaching controversial topics because I’m not sure I am as gifted as others in presenting my viewpoint without appearing to judge or be condescending to others even when I’m not. I still often write like I’m writing a persuasive essay for school which makes it easy for people to be offended and I’m not sure my skin is thick enough for the resulting comments. I wish it was because there are many topics I’d love to cover but then I think “oh, THAT person will read and I know they’ll be offended.” I also have a hard time because I have family that reads and there are so many things I would like to share and talk about but I feel very restricted by that.
Whew, that was long, sorry! Who knew I felt so strongly about it? 😉
Ah, blog comments. I am always quite curious as to how the “super” bloggers do it. I am a moderate commentator, I’d say. My heart jumps a beat sometimes when I get a follow-up comment, but it’s pretty rare. The more popular the site, the less likely I’ll get a response. It’s understandable though, and it doesn’t hurt my feelings. Especially with the mommy bloggers; there just isn’t enough time in the day to respond! But it is definitely nice to know that someone on the other end is reading your comment, even if it is buried beneath dozens and dozens of other more clever comments : ) I have been writing in my own blog for 5 years, and I don’t get many comments, which is very fine. I rarely ever get negative comments. One time I wrote a post about my support of vaccines, and got a few – but other than that I mostly write about my growing family and my faith so, yeah, not too much controversy there : ) I truly don’t mind. I’ve thought about attempting to “grow” my blog and attract more readership, but I don’t think that’s who I am or where I want to spend my energy. I’m happy if my family is kept up to date and some of my friends who are not religious can see what life is like for a Catholic stay at home mama. I will often get positive comments in person or on facebook about how they enjoy keeping up to date with my family, but that’s as far as it goes. I admire yours and similar bloggers for putting the effort in to grow and network. I think a big part of it IS commenting on other blogs and reaching out (like you have done with your NFP series and such) It is inspiring and you clearly have lots of interesting thoughts to add to the interweb. I enjoy your blog and try to comment when I feel I have a decent thought to add.
Anyway, this is not a coherent comment, but a comment nonetheless : ) Blessings! Xo
Another silent follower here! I’ve only commented on your blog once before and I was so amazed and impressed that you responded to me! I follow a lot of blogs and love the insight into other Catholic families, of course, but it always seems like there’s a distance between the blog author and the reader and you really bridged that gap with me when you took the time to respond to me! It really made me feel like you were a real live person and made me feel like I could relate you even more! That being said, I totally think it makes sense that you need to take a step back as you audience expands and that you simply cannot respond to everyone. I won’t feel insulted!
Ah, Julia, that’s so kind. And that’s just why I want to be able to respond to everybody! Maybe I should make an extra effort to reply to first time commenters so they know that I’m really glad they’re here?
Oh, honey, yes to all of that! And my big moment about negative comments came after I got a racist comment on a post about race. I crowd-sourced it to Twitter and asked everyone, there, “Do I delete this or is there a way to respond without encouraging more anger in my space?” I got so many links to so much great information, so I was able to address the commenter’s points by linking to people who know more and answer the one question I did feel qualified to answer. I pray that it continued the reader’s journey, but I feel grateful that it did not continue the conversation on my blog.
A friend of mine responds to comments or questions that she feels are “judgy” by saying “It’s so interesting that you would say that!” And that’s all. She finds that people don’t know what to say to that, because she hears/acknowledges the criticism and moves on. Nothing to add, nothing to argue about. Only leave an opening to continue the conversation if you actually want to have a conversation. Some people will keep talking/typing even after you say “Please stop,” but that is most definitely not about you!
I hope that helps. Take care of you, Mama.
“It’s so interesting that you would say that!” haha, I love it. What a good way to deal with the situation.
I love your blog, and read it daily, but this is the first time I’ve commented!! I also have 3 children 4 and under (boy, girl, girl, like you), so I don’t have much time to breathe, or comment as much as I’d like to! But my husband hears me read aloud from your blog constantly… We also went to FSU, and currently live in Texas, so you make me homesick(?) for Tallahassee…
Keep up the fantastic work!
Yay Tallahassee! Where in TX? We used to live in Waco.
We live in NW Houston, Cypress. I’m also homeschooling my 4 year old son, using the Little Saints Catholic preschool curriculum, and having way more fun than I thought I would. It makes me do things like playdoh and finger paint that I would otherwise avoid because of the mess! I love the way you beautifully express things I’ve learned through Familia and other marriage and family ministries, and how it looks in real life. The more great examples of couples living a faithful Catholic life, with its struggles, the easier it is because I feel like we’re not alone!
Is Super China Buffet still there? 😉
Super China Buffet….is that on Capitol Circle?
I’m awful at commenting on blogs, for two reasons – A. I’m a horrible, horrible procrastinator. I’ll read something and think “That’s awesome (or insightful or whatever) and then I’ll think “I’ll come back and comment when I have more time!” Ahaha. More time. B. I get tongue-tied pretty easily and I hate just leaving “Awesome post!” comments.
I’m awful at responding to comments as well, though I am working on it. I love when people link their email to the comment. So much easier, and I feel like it really builds the conversation, especially if they email back.
I love getting comments on my blog (they convey the feeling of, “Yay! Someone read my post!!! This is so awesome!”– Google blogger tells me how many page views I get, but that’s not as convincing as a comment), so I try to leave comments for others as well. It helps build community. I have to admit that I’m more likely to keep reading blogs where the author answers my comments (unless I’m commenting on a biggish blog where the author clearly can’t respond to everyone, or the blogger is just so awesome that I can’t stay away).
The awkward thing is that with most blogs, there’s no easy way to SEE responses from the author unless I deliberately check back a few days later. I wish all blogs were set up so that one could get an e-mailed copy of any direct responses to one’s comment (and NOT an e-mail every time anyone else comments!).
I agree! Sometimes I remember to “follow” the comments and they show up in my email or reader but that’s a huge drag. I wish it did it automatically somehow…
Now that I write, I have an even greater appreciation for comments so if something strikes me about a post or I feel I have something to add, I try to say something. It’s like letting your host know you enjoyed the meal she prepared for you!
No need to reply:) I know you’re reading!
Hi Haley,
I’m one of those who reads but never comments, but I’ve been feeling like I wanted to give you a shout out for a long time, and this seemed like a good place to do it. I actually stumbled upon this blog when someone pinned the “10 Books you Must Read to your Daughter” post on pinterest. Since then, I’ve been a regular reader.
I’m not Catholic myself (I was raised Catholic and then bounced around a bit before I converted to Mormonism), but I have so much respect for people of faith everywhere, and a lot of what you write resonates with my little Mormon heart. Especially your series on NFP, which isn’t mandated by my religion but which I’ve been contemplating anyway. So pretty much, I guess I just wanted to say thanks for being you, thanks for writing, and I’ll keep reading!
-Kaitlin
I am horrible at comments. I read so many blogs that I love, but rarely do I state it. Many blogs, encourage, inspire and make me think. While I continue to enjoy the content, it is rare that I actually tell the author about it. I want to do better at it. I have only encountered one comment that I considered harsh and derogatory towards me. I opened up and shared some struggles I was having and was very raw (not something I do on my blog all the time). I got a comment from someone who had “all the answers”, who didn’t hear the heart behind the post and who shared her opinion of my life and what I was doing wrong in a condescending manor. I was hurt. Then I was hurt even more when I discovered that this wasn’t some stranger from the internet who had left this comment, it was a childhood friend who had been in my life since 1st grade. I still am not sure how she found my blog (I don’t hide it, but don’t flaunt it in my personal life). However her comments made me seriously reconsider blogging. Then God reminded me that it was her heart that was convicted by my words, and she was responding from a place of anger. What you said about the comments saying more about that person than you is true. I found that in this situation, and was able to press on. I don’t write a lot about controversial things, so I don’t get very much negative feedback. In this case, I just chose to ignore it. That same friend practically instigated a riot a few weeks later on facebook with another one of her condescending remarks to another friend. It’s not you, it’s them. I have also come to a place where I will not apologize for my faith or beliefs. If I share them harshly or in a way that you did not like, then I may be in the wrong, and will apologize and move on. However, you have the right to share your beliefs just as much as them. Share them respectfully (as you do) and you can always choose to say, “It’s not me, it’s them”.
I came across your blogs and was impressed to see you replying to a majority of comments. I often read blogs, and there are so many bloggers that do not reply when people ask questions. I understand that one may not be able to answer all. But 100 comments and not one reply, I will move on to another blogger. That is not someone whom I want to follow.
So I really wanted to thank you for taking the time, and then I happened across this page. How perfectly it fit. Thank you very much for the effort. I am sure it is one more reason that readers are loyal to you.
Thanks for that encouragement, Michele! I really appreciate it 🙂
So I know I’m late to this conversation (although I see that someone else just commented a couple months ago so that makes me feel better), but I was definitely a silent follower for a long time, only leaving a comment if something really impressed me. Now that I have started blogging, I have tried to be better about commenting on other blogs that I follow simply because I really enjoy getting comments on my own blog…even if they are only from my mom. =) And since I only do get a few comments, I respond to all of them. I really appreciate how you have responded to little comments I have left on your blog here and there.
I SO appreciate getting comments and I know they take my readers time to write, so I want to be able to respond and let them know I’m grateful! Hard to keep up with sometimes, though! 🙂