Tag Archives: parenting

How My Kids Didn’t Ruin Mass

Posted on January 14, 2013 by | 74 Comments

Confession: my kids are not typically little angels at Mass. ‘Typical” Mass behavior being our 3-year-old banging the kneeler open and closed and then dropping it on his own foot. Commence siren-like wailing. Or the kids tussling over who gets to hold the Baby Jesus finger puppet. And, to no one’s surprise, the preschooler throwing the St. Joseph finger puppet at his baby sister’s head doesn’t solve the dilemma. The newborn is startled out of a deep slumber by the bells heralding the Consecration and starts screaming. The toddler yelling (and I mean yelling) “Jesus! Jesus COME OUT!” as the Consecration approaches and he knows that “Jesus is coming.” And, yes, I said “typical” behavior. Don’t even get me started on the extraordinarily humiliating days.

Have you been there? When you just want to crawl into the floor and die of shame because surely your kids are ruining Mass for everyone? Your cheeks are burning? You consider a cross-country move?

You see, I grew up Protestant in a tradition in which young children do not attend “the service” until they can sit quietly with their families. It’s quiet, it’s composed, and you can actually hear the words of the sermon. I am still getting used to “the hum” that graces the background of every Mass: squirming toddlers, whispering preschoolers, fussing babies. Children are not banished to the nursery. Our Parish doesn’t even have a cry room. You see, children are not just tolerated, they are welcome. And what my parish has shown me, is that my children are wanted.

So that moment when I thought I would surely die because my 3-year-old made a mad dash for the altar when I was about to receive the Blessed Sacrament and I had to make an awkward wrangling motion to grab hold of his Houdini body in between the “Amen” and the moment the Host touched my tongue…well, the priest’s eyes didn’t narrow. He didn’t give me a stern look that said, “I hope the grace of Our Lord helps you recover from being the worst mother ever.” Nope. His eyes sparkled. He smiled. And, dear me, was that a quiet chuckle?

It’s the moments when I think my kids are the ultimate distraction that my parish family shows me that they are gifts of God’s grace. When the baby is fussy and the toddler is grumpy and loud and I think that surely the homily is going to be a desperate plea for our family to high tail it out of the church so everyone else can enjoy Mass in peace, the priest says, “Look around you. Look at all the babies and children in Mass today. As I’ve been hearing the sounds of infants and children this morning, it reminds me of the amazing gift of new life. What a blessing. I am so glad they are all here.” Gift? Blessing? My kids could have passed themselves off as small dragons this morning, and you heard their whispers and shrieks as echoes of God’s grace?

Or when the baby is insistent on nursing, even though I nursed her right before Mass and the only way to avoid a screaming fit is to nurse right there in the pew. I can feel my cheeks get warm and pink. Is my scarf covering us up? Am I flashing anyone? Is this ok? Is everyone looking at us? That lady in the back certainly is. Is she glaring at us? After Mass, there she is again. She’s probably coming to tell me off… But to my surprise she touched my shoulder and said, “I just wanted to tell you what a good job you did nursing that baby. You are such a good mom. It was so special to see a mother nursing in Mass. I remember having small kids in Mass and how hard it is. Your kids are always excellent.” Well…that last part was surely a kind-hearted fib, but could our family have blessed her by being there? By not sending our kids to the nursery? By trying to make it through Mass without causing a fire or anyone needing stitches? By choosing to nurse my baby, did that image of love between a mother and child actually make Mass more meaningful to her?

Because I think that’s part of what it means to be pro-life. To see children always as gifts of grace, not inconveniences. As always welcome as part of God’s family, not as distractions to be avoided. To encourage and love them and show them that they are wanted. That we want them there because Jesus wants them there. 

There’s one sweet couple and their adult daughter who have adopted our family during Mass. They make it a point to always sit near us. The mother is a bonafide baby whisperer and when Lucy gets fussy she will say in my ear, “You pass me that baby!” and she will snuggle a shockingly calm Baby Lucy sometimes for the entirety of Mass. Benjamin adores their daughter and on one occasion, we weren’t sitting close enough to “Miss Kerri” for his satisfaction. So he snuck out of our pew, tip-toed across the aisle, and plopped down right on her lap. As I prepared to stand up, bring him back, and reprimand him for leaving his spot, this dear soul gave me a look that said, “Don’t you dare! He’s FINE.” He sat like an angel with them for the rest of Mass. He even knelt quietly during the whole Consecration (usually our wrestling-match time). And as I knelt and peeked at him out of the corner of my eye, I started to feel tears roll down my cheeks. Because he looked so wanted, beloved, and cherished. Because this family’s love for my children communicates a vital message: Jesus loves them. Jesus wants them. They are not inconveniences and distractions. They are blessed outpourings of God’s grace.

I pray that during Mass, and every day, I can remember to see my children the way Jesus sees them. The way my parish sees them. I am so thankful for the love my children receive, even at their worst. And thankful for the reminder that Jesus wants all of us, even at our worst, to come and love and be loved.
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Getting Kids to Sleep Later

Posted on December 18, 2012 by | 31 Comments

 

So here’s the thing: we did get our kids to sleep later. But I don’t want to mislead you. Our kids still wake up way too early. However, the fact that they no longer wake at 4:30am is a huge success. In fact, they now sleep two hours later and get up at 6:30am. So, in comparison it’s a win but let’s not pretend that 6:30am isn’t obscenely early. So we couldn’t cure our kids of the horrid wee morning hour wake time, but we were able to improve the situation and here’s how.

Put them to bed earlier.

Counterintuitive, I know. You’d think that my putting your kid to bed late at night would help them sleep later in the morning. FALSE! They will wake up at exactly the same time but instead of waking happy and gleeful they will be as pleasant as Voldemort for the next 24 hours. Joy! Make bedtime earlier and wake time might creep a bit later, God willing. Regardless, your kid will have gotten more sleep even if they still wake up at an unholy hour and you will have a little more time in the evening to do luxurious things like shower or change clothes. (I know!)

Go to bed earlier yourself.

OK, so this isn’t a tip that will change your child’s behavior but it sure makes life easier on you. We were determined to get our firstborn to sleep til a reasonable hour like 8am so that we could continue on our college student schedule of going to bed at midnight. What fools we were! 10pm is now an absurdly late bedtime for us. Sometimes we’re asleep before 9. You can mock us but we can get out of bed without crying in the morning, so who’s laughing now?!

Bribe your children.

OK, so maybe “bribing” is a strong word, but rewarding a child for staying in bed until the appropriate time can help. Our preschooler is rewarded by getting to cart all his pillows and blankies down the hall and snuggle in our bed if he doesn’t wake the house at dark thirty.

Try this clock.

Somebody heard about our plight and took pity on us. They told us about an “alarm” clock for kids that changes color when it’s an acceptable time for them to get up (the parents set the time for the “alarm”). I was skeptical. We have the world’s most stubborn eldest child and no fancy schmancy clock in the world could convince him to stay in bed a moment past 5am…or so I thought. But I was wrong! It was like magic. The kid stays in bed until the clock turns green whether he’s awake already or not. Now, I’ll be honest. He sometimes wakes up very early (5:30am) singing at the top of his lungs. So we’re still shaken from our slumber by the Lion King “Circle of Life” intro or an inhumanly loud humming of the Star Wars theme. BUT, we can stay in bed until 6:30 or at least start making coffee before those little feet are running about.

Oh, sleepy parent, I hope you’re not discouraged by our lack of control of our children’s wake time. And if you’ve had success in getting your child to sleep later, I’d love to hear your suggestions! But if you’re one of those lucky parents with the fictional children that have to be woken up at 8am so they can get dressed for school, please let me continue thinking you’re a figment of my imagination and that you live in a magical land where unicorns frolic and no one ever runs out of coffee.
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Should You Limit Your Child’s Reading Choices?

Posted on September 17, 2012 by | 55 Comments

 

I am surprised by the popularity of a post I wrote a few weeks ago: “Why You Can’t Read Twilight: A Letter to My Daughter,” and I’m simply fascinated by some of comments it’s received. Some folks love it, but boy does it rub some people the wrong way!

Many commenters think the idea that I would tell my daughter at say, age 11, that she can’t read Twilight is downright loony and they refer to my daughter’s “right” to read it. Now, I aspire to fight for many rights for my daughter: the right to a loving family, the right to a happy home, the right to a good education, the right to nourishing food, etc. But I guess I just wasn’t familiar with the “right” to read bad novels.

I believe Twilight is a waste of time and poorly written.  And more importantly, it contains unhealthy views of women and relationships that I believe could be detrimental to a young mind’s developing ideas of self, love, and relationships. But I don’t think Twilight is really the issue. The real question is: Is it crazy to not let your child read certain books? Should we, as parents, limit our children’s reading choices?

Many critics of my decision to say “No” to Twilight just hated the idea that I was taking away a choice my daughter might want to make. If only I “trusted” her to make the right decisions, they lament, instead of limiting her choices!  This line of thinking surprised me because limiting choices is simply part of being a parent. Few parents I know would allow their very young children to view R rated movies, for example. As parents, we strive to offer our children good choices that are appropriate for their age and maturity level. We do not offer them choices that we are fully aware are inappropriate or may cause them harm. We might allow our child to make the choice to ride a bike, but we would not allow her to make her own decision about whether or not she wanted to ride on a busy street without a helmet at night. We do not say, “You want to go to the mall instead of school today? Great! I respect your ability to make decisions!” Sorry. As parents, we limit choices. It’s just what we do.

Perhaps a better example is how parents deal with food choices. My 3-year-old son would eat candy for every meal if I recognized his “right” to eat whatever he desired. If I acquiesced to his constant requests for sweets, with the full knowledge that I was causing him physical harm, that he would likely develop diabetes, and that he was missing out on all the nourishing foods his body needs because he was filling up with sugar, I would not be a good mother. And it’s not because I don’t “trust” him. It’s because I know that he is three and that as a young child, the allure of sweets is stronger than his nutritional knowledge and his ability to make great choices regarding food. So, what do I do? When he asks for a treat I offer him good choices: peanut butter and apples, dried fruit, etc. Things that have nutritional value, won’t harm his body, and might partly satiate his desire for a sweet treat. Through offering him these choices rather than junkfood, I am teaching him healthy eating habits he can carry with him through life. So when the day comes when he is making all of those decisions himself, he will have a developed palate for good foods and the knowledge needed to nourish his body well. Does that mean that he won’t ever make bad choices? No. He might eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch for every meal. My concern is doing the task before me well: giving him the right tools he needs to be able to make good decisions about food.

Why isn’t it the same story with books? Do we not really believe that the books we read form us into the people we are? I want to offer beautiful and good literature for my daughter’s developing mind and soul rather than presenting her with the ultimate junkfood of books. In other words, I want to help her develop a taste for good literature. Because I’ve been an 11-year-old girl and—while I’d love to pretend that I had everything figured out as a pre-teen—let’s be honest: I was still forming crucial ideas, particularly about love and relationships. Would I have had the maturity to see through the ridiculousness of Meyer’s series at that age? Doubtful. It’s written to appeal to a fantasy of immature ideas of love. It’s MADE to be enticing to preteens. It’s even enticing to some grown women. Now, does this mean that as a teenager, my daughter won’t be allowed to read it if she really wants to? No. I hope that by that age she would have fallen so in love with good literature that reading Twilight would be an unattractive option to her. But she very well might read it some day. I’m not worried about that. My job is to offer her books that will nourish her developing mind, aren’t a waste of time, and that don’t present her with terrible relationship models during her formative years. If and when she gets her hands on Twilight, she will already be well-versed in truly good literature. And whether she likes Twilight or not, she will at least see its inadequacies.

Some of the other popular arguments for why I should let my children read Twilight are interesting, as well. One argument in their favor claims that the books are entertaining. But, to say that something is entertaining is not to say that it is good or that it is bad. It merely means that it holds your attention. Most parents have some sort of guidelines about what movies their children are allowed to view…and it doesn’t have anything to do with how entertaining the film may or may not be. Others said that reading Twilight is a positive thing because it’s better than just sitting in front of the TV, not reading ever, or reading books like 50 Shades of Grey. So, reading Twilight is better than frying your brain, being illiterate, or reading the most inappropriate book for children that you can think of? Wow! Impressive. Can’t we offer our kids better options than “well, it’s not the worst thing you could do with your time”? Why settle? Another recommendation is that the Twilight series is easy and gets kids reading. Seventeen magazine is easy reading, but nobody’s vouching for it’s literary value or that it spurs young readers on to great heights of literary achievement.

I have been advised by the Twilight fans that my daughter will hate me forever and eternally resent my decision to not let her read Meyer’s literary atrocity as a pre-teen. To be honest…I’m just not really worried about it.

My job as a parent is to do what is best for my children. It would be great if, one day, my daughter were able to fully understand and appreciate every decision I make concerning her. Sure, it would be sad if my daughter resents my decisions. But those decisions are based on well-thought-out reasons and I am not going to change them to satisfy the whims of a child.

Do you think it’s appropriate to limit your child’s reading choices? Join the conversation! 

(This post is linked-up today at The Parent ‘Hood)
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On Not Knowing the Secret to Discipline

Posted on August 20, 2012 by | 26 Comments

(Our three-year-old’s scowl during a time-out)

I really can’t decide what’s more exhausting: the sleep deprivation of the newborn stage or the behavioral challenges of “the terrible threes.” A few weeks ago a lovely reader asked for my thoughts on toddler discipline.  I called my husband over. “Daniel! Check this out! Somebody wants to know our approach to discipline!” We both got a good chuckle out of it. Because we don’t have any idea what our approach is. Do we practice “gentle discipline”? Authoritarian discipline? Are we too strict? Are we too permissive? We are constantly adapting our discipline methods and I’ll be honest: We don’t feel like we know what we’re doing.

But as I pondered our discipline style, I realized that at the very least, we have learned a lot from parenting our wild active and high needs delightful toddler with his willful little soul leadership potential. And you know what, hanging out with him is really awesome. He’s an amazing, generous, loving kid. And he always sits perfectly still and quiet during Mass. Just kidding on that last one.

Here are just a few of the things we’ve learned:

Create an environment in which it’s easy for your child to behave. If there are objects within reach that the child is not allowed to touch, move them. If you have an altercation with your child every day because he’s dangerously climbing all over the rocking chair, just remove it. (I don’t want to confess how long it took us, and how many minor head bumps, to figure that one out.)

Be engaged: In my experience, when I’m unengaged Benjamin will inevitably misbehave. Even if I’m only on the phone for 5 minutes, Benjamin will begin acting out in order to get my attention.

Know what your kid can handle. Don’t take your 3-year-old into a toy store and be surprised when he starts touching everything and wants to take such-and-such home. It is important for kids to learn to enter and leave a store without a meltdown when you don’t purchase anything for them. However, toy stores and gift shops (don’t even get me started on how annoyed I am by all the candy featured at toddler height in museum gift shops) are created to make kids want you to buy stuff for them. When a 3-year-old is swept away by good marketing, can ya blame him? Try to avoid situations that will be too much for your toddler or find creative solutions to help them behave to the best of his/her ability. Until a couple of weeks ago, I always had Benjamin ride in the cart at the grocery store because he wouldn’t be as tempted to touch everything. He is just now ready to walk beside me without grabbing anything that looks like candy. Expecting him to behave well without being in the cart a few months ago would just have led to frustration for both of us.

Offer some rewards for good behavior. When we are in stores I do not buy Benjamin stuff. He is used to this and does not often ask for me to purchase him things. When he does, I say, “No, buddy.” Or “We’ll think about it and come back later,” etc. The one exception is the grocery store. I allow him to pick out some dried fruit from the bulk section as a treat if he is well-behaved. Yes, it’s true, my kids are so deprived that they think dried fruit is a SUPER GREAT TREAT. And yes, I bribe them. I totally bribe them.

Head off the problem before it arises. Don’t take your toddler on a taxing errand when they are tired, hungry, or out of sorts. Just don’t. Inevitable misery will ensue.

Encourage, encourage, encourage. Some days I feel like all I do is criticize what Benjamin does: Stop touching that! Don’t do that! You’re not listening! Come over here! Clean that up! Sit still! These are days when I don’t feel like I’m parenting well. On a good day I try to make sure that I’m encouraging good behavior far more than I’m commenting on bad behavior. “Wow, you’re sitting in your chair with your feet in front! What a big boy! Thank you for sitting so nicely!” to balance out the “Stop climbing all over your chair at the dinner table! You’re acting like a barbarian and you’re totally gonna fall….again.” One of the things Benjamin is really good at is sharing with his baby sister. I try to comment on this all the time. “I saw how Lucy grabbed your toy and I’m so impressed that you cheerfully found another toy for her to play with and helped her start playing with it before getting your toy back. You were so gentle and kind to her! You are so generous! I know it’s hard when she takes your things and you dealt with that just the right way.”

But what about when all that fails? What about when attempts at preventing a whining, screaming tantrum are unsuccessful or you’re faced with a willfully disobedient toddler pushing all your buttons and testing the boundaries just to see what you will do? Honestly, I think a parent’s reaction should differ according to what works with an individual child.

We’ve discovered that Benjamin needs constant reinforcement of the boundaries or else he loses his little three-year-old mind. He’s also not sensitive in the least. Just a strict command in a firm tone doesn’t do anything to turn his behavior around. We have to practice consistent time-outs or else all Hell breaks loose. We used to spank him occasionally, but don’t anymore. And it’s not because it traumatized him or anything of the sort, it just wasn’t effective. He would look into our eyes with his little stubborn face and say, “I want another spanking.” It just ended up making him more defiant. For him, time-out is truly a punishment. He’s very social and loooooves to be with us and talk talk talk. Spending 3 minutes by himself in his room is pretty miserable for him and seems to be an effective discipline. But that’s not the case for every child. For some kids, time alone in their room is a treat and not a punishment. My mom tells me that sending my older brother to his room didn’t phase him at all: “Playing legos by myself in my room? Awesome.”

And we can already tell that Lucy is so very different from her older brother and will need a very gentle approach when it comes to discipline. She is already much more sensitive than Benjamin. She went through a phase of banging her head against the back of her high chair. We figured that can’t be good for her little head so, one day when she was doing it I said in a strong, firm voice, “Lucy: No, ma’am.” I did not yell, I just looked her in the eye and spoke in a “no nonsense” kind of voice. The little gal just burst into tears! Every child is so different.

So, I still don’t know exactly what our philosophy behind discipline is. And I often feel like I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t have all the answers but I’m learning a lot.

What kind of approach do you take to discipline? What have you learned in the process? Any books that you found helpful?

(Please try to be diplomatic in the combox, as you always are, wonderful readers. Parenting styles can be a very touchy subject so, please be respectful of the choices of other families with the understanding that wanting to do what is right for our children is the desire of every parent’s heart.)
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Why You Can’t Read Twilight: A Letter to My Daughter

Posted on June 20, 2012 by | 124 Comments

Today my baby girl cut her first tooth. I want to believe that by the time she and her little friends are old enough to read Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series, everyone will have forgotten about that embarrassing literary atrocity. But, I’m afraid that might be wishful thinking. I want to have an answer prepared when my daughter says, “My friend Susie gets to read the Twilight books and why can’t I?!” Here it is:

Darling Girl,

I know that Susie and some of your other friends are devouring the Twilight series. They’re telling you how epic and romantic they are. My dearest, they are wrong. I have read the books in question (Ok, fine, I couldn’t make myself finish the last one with the half-vampire baby with that ridiculous name. I just couldn’t do it.). And they are nothing of the sort. If you want epic, read Lord of the Rings or Kristin Lavransdatter. If you want romance, read Miss Austen’s novels.

What’s that, my heart? You want specific reasons? Very well.

They will waste your time. In short, they’re simply mindless books. There are other books to read, my dear. Books that you will carry with you in your heart and soul till the day you die. I think far too much of you. I think far too much of your mind to let you waste it on something like Twilight.

And no, it’s not because there’s a little bit of violence, or because they’re fantasy books. There’s nothing better to help you learn what’s true than to read fantastical fairy stories. Your Daddy and I hope you read all sorts of good fantasy. We agree with Mr. Gilbert Keith Chesterton when he says:

“Fairy tales, then, are not responsible for producing in children fear…The baby has known the dragon intimately ever since he had an imagination. What the fairy tale provides for him is a St. George to kill the dragon. Exactly what the fairy tale does is this: it accustoms him for a series of clear pictures to the idea that these limitless terrors had a limit, that these shapeless enemies have enemies in the knights of God, that there is something in the universe more mystical than darkness, and stronger than strong fear.”

My dear, it’s not that I don’t want you to read about evil things like vampires. I can’t wait till you’re old enough to read George MacDonald’s Lilith. It’s my favorite vampire book. I just want you to read really splendid books about vampires, not lame ones. I want you to read writers who are master wordsmiths and who tell stories full of truth, beauty, and goodness. Needless to say, Miss Meyer is not one of them. If you don’t believe me, read this discussion that points out some of the stylistic gems she pens like this one: “I quickly rubbed my hand across my cheek, and sure enough, traitor tears were there, betraying me.” Wow. How does that even happen?

Dear girl, these books are just bad literature. You are too clever to waste your time on them. Now, we’re not expecting you to always read Dostoevsky and Dante and never read easy page-turners. Just because something is easy to read doesn’t make it bad. There are plenty of easy, fun reads that have meaningful things to say and are well-written.

The Twilight books are not in that category and Miss Meyer’s terrible writing is not the only major problem with them. The female protagonist is just about the worst role model I can imagine for you. You can read about what I think of that and what female literary characters I want you to get to know instead some other time. What I want to tell you today has to do with love. I don’t know anything about Miss Meyer’s personal life. But from what I read in Twilight, I can’t imagine that she really understands love.

You see, there’s something titled “love” in these books that isn’t anything like love at all. The boring protagonist Bella and her boyfriend who, I must add, is shockingly dull for being a 100-year-old sparkly vampire, have a relationship that is presented as an epic romance. Instead, it is a weird infatuation. Boring-gal and Old-Man-Vampire are madly attracted to each other from the moment they see each other (or in Old-Man-Vamp’s case, smell each other). He even compares the strength of his attraction to her scent to that of a pretty serious drug addiction. My dear, that’s not love. That’s hormones. Also, it’s creepy. Let’s just come right out with it: giving up your soul and abandoning your family because of your infatuation for an elderly stalker that might accidentally drink your blood is never a good choice.

Next, enduring love must have a basis of friendship. The only thing you have in common with your beloved cannot be your relationship. “We both like the other person a whole dang lot” isn’t grounds for an epic love, it’s the grounds for a bad high school break up. All Boring-Gal and Old-Man-Vamp talk about is their relationship. Yadda yadda yadda. Boring boring boring.

True love is exciting and dangerous and epic, but not because your man might accidentally kill you because he wants to drink your blood. True love is exciting and dangerous and epic because when you commit to loving someone forever, like Daddy and I have, you promise something so difficult and consuming that it is only possible by the grace of Our Lord. True love isn’t about sacrificing your humanity so that you can live with your weirdo vampire forever. True love is about filling each ordinary day with small sacrifices for your beloved. It’s about making the mundane events of life something beautiful and heroic. True love isn’t about gazing passionately into your beloved’s eyes (this may happen and that’s fine). True love is when your husband takes the toddler on a run in the jogging stroller at 6am so that you can sleep an extra 30 minutes next to your baby who nursed all night. It might sound unromantic to you now. But it won’t someday if you experience the unfathomable depth of true love. True love is so much more demanding than Miss Meyer thinks. And it is so much richer than her pathetic, weak rendering. You may not understand now, but someday, I hope you do.

That’s why you can’t read Twilight. You may envy Susie for having parents who let her read it. You may even be angry with Daddy and I. That’s ok. Our job isn’t to make you like us. Our job is to guide you to what’s true and beautiful and good. But do know, that every decision we make is because our love for you is beyond measure…and because bad literature makes us want to die. Also that.

Love,

Mama

Disclaimer: We’re not the sort of people that will be banning books from our household right and left. Rather than forbidding our kids from reading certain books, we plan to read the books our kids want to read with them so we can discuss the ideas presented and help our kids process them. By simply forbidding them to ever read certain books, we would only be making those books more enticing and we would risk our kids not truly understanding why we disagreed with the ideas presented as well as remove an opportunity for them to learn to discern good literature from bad and beautiful ideas from ugly ones. Once our kids reach an appropriate age choices about what they read will be entirely up to them. Hopefully, by that point they’ll have developed enough taste that they won’t want to read Twilight. Making decisions about when kids are ready for certain books is something only their parents can do. We won’t be allowing our kids to read Twilight when they’re preteens because so many ideas about relationships and identity are being formed at that age and we think the negative portrayals of women and twisted relationships aren’t something we want our kids to be presented with until they are older.

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